A Portal To Darkness

This is a mix between true emotions and some made up just to be able to finish the poem.

a portal to darkness a portal i see
a portal to darkness in it i will flee
a portal to darkness out in the open
a portal to darkness it will help I'm hopin

a portal to darkness its up ahead
a portal to darkness cant get much worse I'm practically dead
a portal to darkness i stand at the door
a portal to darkness thinking of the one i adore

if she takes me well then ill be ok
if she doesn't in i will go and stay
she's the only one who can help so don't try
ill be open and frank i cant even lie

my heart has been bruised by a girl from the past
it was a worthless relationship but i wished it to last
she lied and she lied about the feelings she felt
she don't even know the pain that she dealt

Author's Note

i know hopin isnt a word but it rhymes so yeah

Reviews

[José Humilde]

I like the context of your poem. Don't worry about the 'hopin," at least you kept up with your rhyming scheme. I think that you get a sense of the "voice" of the speaker as well. "She don't even know..." The help with this line at the end kind of helps the reader figure that it's a "rural?" voice.

I like a portal to darkness repetition. Sometimes it can get annoying in a poem, but I think you have just enough without getting too crazy.

I think my only suggestion for that is to figure out something to do with your "practically dead" line. It's a bit longer than your other lines. When I see repeating lines like that, my brain says to read faster. (IDK, maybe I'm just nuts) When I got to that line, I had to slow down a bit, and it took me "away" from the poem.

Keep it up! Thanks for sharing.

-JH