HANDy Review

Lets face it. Hands are pretty important. We decorate them, make sure they're soft, try not to break them. We wouldn't be able to do anything in this world without our hands.

As an avid reader of reviews, I find myself missing reviews on the human hand that isn't purely a study in its aesthetics and function. “Where is the love for the hand any more?” I ask myself. The internet could not provide me with this answer. So I made it a goal to do a loving and rather introspective review on the appendage that gives us the world. The hand. Perhaps I should add the tag-line: “The hand; lets make it human again.”

As much as I'd like to do a review on hands in general, I find it hard to accomplish. Mostly because no body wants to help. I tell them that I'm willing to pay if they let me study their hand. They ask me to please leave. I tell them that this research is of the greatest importance. They tell me once again to please leave, usually with the tone of their voice rising. So, as any normal person, I put my pants back on, and walk out their front door.

After many hours of searching, and being threatened with calls to the police, I felt that perhaps people weren't ready for such research. I had a great stroke of luck however that particular evening when I was enjoying a rather abstract and potentially great film staring the very enigmatic and talented Sasha Grey. It was then that I realized that the one hand I really needed to show any true gratitude towards.. Was my own. Off the topic, I do wish to finish this film another time, as I would really like to see the conclusion of her open and somewhat dramatic relationship between herself and those 12 men I assume were her lovers given the plot points of the film.

Back to the topic AT HAND (L.O.L.). First I decided to take basic measurements. My right stands at 8.2 inches long from wrist to the top of my middle finger from the inside along the palm. On the same inside, from top of thumb to top of pinky stretches to a length of 8.6 inches. While I do feel that this is a rather average size for a hand, I do find that my palms are larger, if not longer, than the fingers themselves. Some basic observations will tell you that the complexion is just the same as the rest of my body, with a few minor cuts and scrapes along the knuckle areas, which surprisingly, the skin is also thicker there as well. With curving thumbs outward, I couldn't say that my hands are made for fighting bears or lifting bars, but rather, for sewing thread with a needle. Upon this observation, I have decided to quit my day job at the aluminum factory and have sent in my application to Gucci, where I'm certain such talented looking hands can be better appreciated.

As I notice the bone structure under this right hand of mine, I recall the wonderful the times we've had together. Gathering food at the market, grasping bottles of vodka at parties, high-fiving friends at said parties, the film we were watching earlier together with such enthusiasm. Even allowing me to easily write this review for it. It's now that I notice the knuckles on my right hand are much bigger than the knuckles on my left hand. I now recall some of the terrible times we've had together. Like the time I got the fingers on my hand caught in a car door. Or the time I had to have a physical conversation with a rather rude man who would not accept the fact that I had no change for him and even if he did, showing me his filthy child standing next to him would not convince me to give him my change either.

As I use this hand to help me pour myself another glass of cognac, I look at my hand with great plea;hoidsfag

It pains me to conclude that this review will have to go unfinished for a time. I've just returned from the doctor, after the little accident of dropping my glass and then accidentally breaking the glass with my right hand. While it is in the healing process after such unfortunate events, I feel that continuing this review using only my least favorite hand, is not a viable option. My only regret, is that I will have to wait longer to finish the film I was enjoying earlier until a later date.  

Author's Note

Experimenting with reviewing, and felt that something like my right hand was up for the challenge. Please please please note that this is meant to be taken in a light-hearted or drunken manner.