Chapter one: A New Day

Koji's first shop, getting it from Mr Tomu, his teacher and what has Mr Tomu left for him.

'Time to wake up' a little boy says ''.......'' Koji slowly opens his eyes and sees a little boys face in-front of him and they both smiles at one another ''morning Kiba'' the little boy then says ''Your Grandma told me to wake you up'' Kiba was sitting on the edge of his bed then he asks ''Kiba how’s your mom doing?'' 'Shes fine' the little boy responded before walks out Koji's tent. He finally gets out of bed and started gets some clothes on then suddenly hears some girls giggling outside. He smiles then pops his head out the main tent door, shirt-less showing his six-pack a little ''Hello Eimi and Rushi'' the thin, slightly built, pale skinned girls blush a little and quickly turned around and started walk away, giggling and talking. He goes back in and get a light white T-shirt on than walks out his tent.

 

He walk out seeing more tents like his, with a big fire pit in the middle with smaller ones around it for cooking. The burning sun reflects of his light brown hair, stings his eyes and he says ''Ow'' as he closes his eyes. He than slowly opens his deep blue eyes which sparkle in the sun light. He walks up to one of the small fires and sees Kiba with his grandma ''whats cooking gran???'' 'Steak with some amai leaves' she gives two plates with some steak on each to Kiba ''Here you go Kiba'' 'thank you!' Koji and his Grandma smile as the little boy runs to one of the tents to eat with his mother. Koji and his grandma eat breakfast, then they take the plates and pan into their tent and start to clean their plates, 'so have you found a place yet?' his grandma asks ''Yes Mr Tomu was an alchemist but now he is too old so he is giving it to me with all the stuff in it'' he says in respond 'Good for you Koji' she said as they both smiled at one another. ''I'm thinking of going there today'' he said 'Eimi and Rushi and going to be sad not seeing you work at the farms' the grandma said then he chuckles ''Yep'' then they both laugh for a bit as they finished cleaning the dishes. 

 

After he works for about an hour at the farms then ate some lunch before starting to pack his things into a bag and put it on. the two girls from earlier, walk up to him 'Koji do you have to leave' Eimi says 'Yea please stay' Rushi says after Eimi ''Sorry but a can't stay no matter how much you love me'' he said as the girls blushed ''So yea.....bye'' after saying goodbye to his village and giving his grandma a hug and a kiss before they waves goodbye then he sets off for the town. 

 

He walks through a dense forest along a dirt path, looking around for animals to kill his boredom ''hm...I love the forest'' he says as he says a bridge in the distant. He pouts slightly ''I need to make swift potions at some point, it’s so boring walking to places'' ten minutes later he is almost at the bridge. When he finally gets to the bridge he runs down the bank of the river and sits next to it and sighs of boredom. He starts throwing some stones into the river for a little bit then stands back up and walks up the bank then continues his long walk to the town.

 

The dirt path connected to a mossy cobble road where some merchants with their carts with a large variety of stuff like clothes to potion ingredients were traveling along to get from town to town. Koji smiled at the merchants as he walked on passed them as he was getting closer to the town. About twenty minutes later he finally reached the edge of the noisy town called Melatega. The town was full of human, elfs, dwarfs and other strange and odd creatures as Koji made his way to Mr Tomu's potion shop. After pushing through the crowds he made it to the front door of the shop, pushing it inward and walked in, closing the door behind him with a bell vibrating a soft tone. Mr Tomu, an elf wearing baggy trousers and black polo shirt and sees Koji 'Finally, your here' he walks over to Koji with a key in his hand and smiling 'Here you go, the key to the shop, can g care of it ok' hands Koji the key, a smile shot across Koji's face as he looked at the oddly shaped key on the palm of his hand and he suddenly says as he bows ''Thank you sir! And I will''. Koji stops bowing and they smile at one another before Mr Tomu opened the door and left. Koji smiles and cant contain himself "yes! Finally!, my own potion shop!" he cheers and laughs as he runs about the shop. 

 

After Koji calmed down, he walks through a door with staff only wrote on it. he dashed up the stairs well, throwing his bag to the floor and jumps onto his new bed. Rolls about on the bed for a bit then sits up realizing something ''oh i need to starting brewing''.  Starts to unpack by throwing his pillow and small blanket onto the bed and putting away the few t-shirts, boxers and trousers that he brought into draws then walks out his room. He walked down the stairs to the shop level but there was another set of stairs that goes further down so he continued to walk down. He got to the bottom of the stair well, he walked through a small hallway about a meter long to a door at the end which he took out the key that Mr Tomu gave him and unlocked the door and walked it.

Author's Note

This is my first chapter so please comment any grammar or spelling wrong please

edit: I've edited it a lot and added more detail and more of the story to it

Reviews

[Kato Uchiha]

It's an interesting piece and I admire your imagination, however there is a few things i would change and since you asked i'll help out with grammar and such:

1. You don't really make it very clear as to who is talking and when so go over it and put names after.

2. ''Time to wake up'' -> ''Time to wake up!'' (added exclamation mark.

3. Whenever someone new is talking take a new line, this will help make it clear who is talking.

4. ''Kiba hows your mom doing'' -> ''Kiba hows your mom doing'?' (As it is a question)

5. 'the little boy walks out Koji's bedroom tent door.' -> the little boy walked out Koji's tent... (tent's don't have doors...

6. 'He finally gets up' -> Change it to the character who is getting up and change it to 'got up'

7. 'giggling outside, and'-> giggling outside. He smiled and... -> No comma.

8. ''hello there Eimi and Rushi'' -> ''Hello Eimi and Rushi.'' Capitals are kinda basic!

9. Check ALL your sentences of speech for Capitals and full stops!

10. ONLY ONE QUESTION MARK WILL DO!

11. tent door, shirt-less showing -> tent door. Shirtless and showing... -> New sentence mate!

12. 'the girls blush a little,turn' -> The girls blushed a little then turned... -> Make it a long sentence.

13. He goes back in and get a light blue T-shirt on than walks out his tent. -> He went back in and got a light blue T-shirt on then walked out his tent. -> Watch your wording always review your own writing!

14. 'He walk out' -> Who? -> make it more clear by putting names etc...

15. 'tents like his, and a big fire pit in the middle with smaller one around it for cooking.' -> A bit more detail needs to be entered here. Try giving a better description of the area -> smell, sounds heard etc...

16. 'the sun reflect' -> Capital... also needs a bit more detail afterwards.

17. '''whats cooking gran???'' -> ''What's cooking gran?' -> Punctuation... you need to keep an eye on it pal!

18. ''steak with some amai leaves'' -> you only need one pair of ' " " ' for direct speech also CAPITALS AND FULL STOPS!

19. ''Here you go Kiba'' ''thank you!'' -> Nw line for every new person that talks!

20. After he works a bit at the farms -> Who again... needs more detail and names

21. ''Koji do you have to leave'' -> ''Koji do you have to leave?" It's a question isn't it!

22. a bridge in the distant is he checkpoint. -> I think you's better check this sentence.

23. ''i need to make some swift potions'' -> I is always a capital

24. ten minutes later he is almost there. -> Capital! and also try making sentences a bit longer O.K!

25. He throws some stones into the river then stands up, -> He threw some stones into the river then stood up, - (3rd person)

All in all good imagination but sorry to say horrible grammar... You really need to pay attention to Mrs. Easter and Mrs. Hunter this year mate

- Blare (70/100)