the invisible man

A Poem by Scorpio

The sky drips like a tap left on by a child.
The wind rushes angrily, like a speeding freight train.
On the edge of the stone sidewalk, huddled in a doorway,
Sits the invisible man.

The cold pokes and prods at his shivering body,
Penetrating the thin layers of his clothes.
His teeth clatter noisily, like the incessant drum of a woodpecker,
But still, unmoved, sits the invisible man.

His hand grips tightly to a well-worn coffee cup,
Waiting and waiting and pleading.
‘Help’ he gasps, like a fuel-starved engine,
But still, unaided, sits the invisible man.

Rain drops fall musically to the pavement, playing a mocking melody.
A crowd of umbrellas pass, the colours of the rainbow covering
An audience impatient with the clouds' performance
But still, unacknowledged, sits the invisible man.

Suddenly one of them stops, and turns.
She approaches, kneels, and, with kind eyes, asks ‘Are you alright?’
She is answered by a warm, yellow smile which gently hands her two words.
'Thank you'.

And now, hopeful, sits a man.

© 2014 Scorpio

My Review

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Emma Olsen

Some wording suggestions: "Rain falls in drops like a tap left . . ." I'd change it to "Rain falls in drops as if from a tap . . ." Since you're not comparing the rain to the tap but rather the water dripping from the tap, I think this makes more sense.
I also associate the verb 'gush' with liquid, and so close to rain I'm maintaining that association and it's tripping me up. Do you perhaps mean gust? Since they're so close, I thought I'd ask. Whether you change it is up to you, though, since it's more of a personal thing. =P
"something interesting" Like what? Maybe specify? I'm not sure I'm getting a clear picture of location before this, but it seems to be a busy street, so I think adding in some details will help the reader to visualize and maybe demonstrate the kind of desperation people have to avoid confronting the homeless. For instance, staring at a sign and pretending to read it, even though the homeless man sees them walking past every day (or something.)
"It approaches," maybe specify a gender? 'It' sounds very strange. I'm not sure I need a full description of the person or anything, but 'it' is way too distant.
I also want to say . . . the wording of the chorus is sounding a bit off to me, too, especially when you erase the adjective after "still." Maybe either: But still, ___, the invisible man sits; But the invisible man, ___, still sits. Again, I think this is more a subjective change, but it just sounds odd to me.

So, I really like the subtlety of how the man loses the moniker of 'invisible' by the end and I think you have very elegant wording in here - especially in the first and second stanzas. I think you lose some of the originality of phrasing towards the end, perhaps because it stretches somewhat into a bit of a cliched homeless man for me. I think, since the message of this lies in human interaction, the lack of it should perhaps be introduced earlier, especially as that will build up tension and sympathy for the man. You mention 'unacknowledged' in the second stanza, but since you're not mentioning any people yet, so I'm not tying that descriptor to a large group of people as the fourth stanza suggests I should. Since the cold is interacting with him by 'poking' and 'prodding' him, the unacknowledged seems a bit strange there (even though I like the personification). Perhaps you could contrast the way the elements interact with him and the way the people don't interact with him? Some particular interactions mirroring the way the weather interacts with him might be nice. (Just suggesting things, though. =P) I think the idea of having the weather being so interactive while having the people avoid interaction is an interesting idea and a way you could perhaps breathe some of the life you have in the beginning (through your metaphors and personification) into the next two stanzas.
I'm not sure a full examination of why he's in this circumstance is necessary, but it might be an interesting thing to pursue and try to include some of in this, as well, otherwise he becomes kind of a generic figure for me, which is unfortunate because he literally becomes an invisible man to me. I'd like him to be revealed as a human being, somewhat, to have a moment of true insight into his circumstances; and I think you're missing this opportunity by leaving the question 'Are you alright?' unanswered, as well as leaving it a bit ambiguous as to why he's 'hopeful.' Is it that the person truly helped him? The simple interaction? You're setting the reader up for this reveal moment where we get to see the human under the gruff exterior most homeless people have to put up for survival and I'm feeling a bit let down by not getting the satisfaction of seeing exactly how this moment plays out fully. Being recognized as a human being is very important, but would there be some sense of betrayal if that person just walked away?
I think, from the two poems I've read, that you like for your poems to have stories behind them, but I think you maybe need to approach them somewhat as if you were writing a novel and flesh out the characters a bit more. They've both felt like you're writing a persona poem rather than a poem where the speaker is truly experiencing the situation first-hand. (Granted, this is third person, but you get what I'm saying, right?) Your poems are good and I do feel for the person, but I'm not getting the sense that these people could exist beyond the page, do you understand? There's a strange lack of emotion, at least for me, but this could simply be that the language drops off a bit in the second two (third three? lol) stanzas for me, because I was involved in how the weather was tormenting him.

So yeah . . . basically, I love your first two stanzas, though I think they should bring up the issue with people ignoring him sooner, and I think your next two need some work and should emulate the first two more. Good work, though. =) Let me know if you want me to take another look or something. Hopefully this has been helpful!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago

So, I really like the subtlety of how the man loses the moniker of 'invisible' by the end and I think you have very elegant wording in here - especially in the first and second stanzas. I think you lose some of the originality of phrasing towards the end, perhaps because it stretches somewhat into a bit of a cliched homeless man for me. I think, since the message of this lies in human interaction, the lack of it should perhaps be introduced earlier, especially as that will build up tension and sympathy for the man. You mention 'unacknowledged' in the second stanza, but since you're not mentioning any people yet, so I'm not tying that descriptor to a large group of people as the fourth stanza suggests I should. Since the cold is interacting with him by 'poking' and 'prodding' him, the unacknowledged seems a bit strange there (even though I like the personification). Perhaps you could contrast the way the elements interact with him and the way the people don't interact with him? Some particular interactions mirroring the way the weather interacts with him might be nice. (Just suggesting things, though. =P) I think the idea of having the weather being so interactive while having the people avoid interaction is an interesting idea and a way you could perhaps breathe some of the life you have in the beginning (through your metaphors and personification) into the next two stanzas.
I'm not sure a full examination of why he's in this circumstance is necessary, but it might be an interesting thing to pursue and try to include some of in this, as well, otherwise he becomes kind of a generic figure for me, which is unfortunate because he literally becomes an invisible man to me. I'd like him to be revealed as a human being, somewhat, to have a moment of true insight into his circumstances; and I think you're missing this opportunity by leaving the question 'Are you alright?' unanswered, as well as leaving it a bit ambiguous as to why he's 'hopeful.' Is it that the person truly helped him? The simple interaction? You're setting the reader up for this reveal moment where we get to see the human under the gruff exterior most homeless people have to put up for survival and I'm feeling a bit let down by not getting the satisfaction of seeing exactly how this moment plays out fully. Being recognized as a human being is very important, but would there be some sense of betrayal if that person just walked away?
I think, from the two poems I've read, that you like for your poems to have stories behind them, but I think you maybe need to approach them somewhat as if you were writing a novel and flesh out the characters a bit more. They've both felt like you're writing a persona poem rather than a poem where the speaker is truly experiencing the situation first-hand. (Granted, this is third person, but you get what I'm saying, right?) Your poems are good and I do feel for the person, but I'm not getting the sense that these people could exist beyond the page, do you understand? There's a strange lack of emotion, at least for me, but this could simply be that the language drops off a bit in the second two (third three? lol) stanzas for me, because I was involved in how the weather was tormenting him.

So yeah . . . basically, I love your first two stanzas, though I think they should bring up the issue with people ignoring him sooner, and I think your next two need some work and should emulate the first two more. Good work, though. =) Let me know if you want me to take another look or something. Hopefully this has been helpful!

Rating /100

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

10 Years Ago

Hi Emma,

Thanks again for another incredibly generous review, I really appreciate the .. read more

10 Years Ago

Of course. I'm glad I could help. =) I read over it and I think your changes have really improved it.. read more

Reviews

LawrenceRaybon

Absolutely beautiful! I loved the line 'waiting and waiting and pleading' like the pleading is the lesser of the two things he does, almost like he's given up hope. An excellent commentary on how sometimes all it takes is a little kindness to make an extreme difference in a person's world.

I have no constructive criticism to offer so I'll just say, 'Well Done!'

Cheers,
Lawrence
Constructive Critics Group

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

Posted 10 Years Ago

10 Years Ago

Thank you very much Lawrence, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and give a bit of feed.. read more

kublakhan27

An honest and uplifting piece with some really powerful imagery...the rain feels cold and unforgiving in the early going but warmer and almost comforting as it goes on (I happen to like rain haha)...a great story and poem you've penned :)

Posted 10 Years Ago

10 Years Ago

Thanks kublakhan, really appreciate you taking the time to read, I'll make sure to return the favour.. read more

10 Years Ago

You're very welcome, and feel free to drop by anytime...we have our fair share of rain in Canada too.. read more

FlamingPhoenix

A perfect masterpiece that captures the malady we all see everyday and so many of us walk by--caught up in our mundane. This is truly beautiful and heartbreaking! Fabulous work!

Posted 10 Years Ago

10 Years Ago

Thanks again Phoenix, more great praise from you! Always nice to get feedback - especially when it's.. read more

Eric Pudalov

Hey Scorpio! I promised to read this, and here I am!! This one's very good, in fact, and quite touching. I enjoyed the story you told here of "the invisible man." The title reminds me of Ralph Ellison's book "Invisible Man."

Although I like the story and poem overall, there are a few technical critiques I have. I do really like the simile in the first line, "...like a tap left on by a child." However, the "like a speeding freight train," while it makes sense, seems a bit more clichéd.

I would say the same of the simile "like a broken-down record." That analogy is rather overused - perhaps you could use one that doesn't necessarily show that he's repeating himself, but rather that his voice is weak. Like, "...he gasps, like a fuel-starved engine," or "...he gasps, like a strangled breeze." Feel free to use one of those if you want!

This may sound a bit nitpicky, but the one last critique I have is in the fourth verse, where you say, "Heads turned the other direction, watching something interesting." The "watching something interesting" part sounds a bit awkward to me, for some reason. I think it's that those words don't fit the tone of the rest of the poem.

It might be better if you say something like, "Heads turned the other direction, negligent of his existence," or something like that. Really show how people just don't care about him at all. Tone is a tricky thing to learn in poetry; that takes a lot of experience and practice!

Still, in spite of all my critiques, I like the poem as a whole, and I think you've done a great job so far! I also checked out the review below by Emma, and she had suggested something along the lines of expanding the story a little bit. That may help the poem as well, but that's purely up to you.

What do you think of these suggestions? Were any of them helpful? I hope so!