The Beat

A brush with death while dealing with the past.

My sight blurs as the beat begins to slow.
Your wrinkled face betrays your frailties and your fears.
I am filled with a sudden surge of pity - No.
You do not deserve my sentiment.

Years earlier, after her funeral, I cower in the corner.
The familiar stench of liquor and fear pollutes innocent lungs
I wince as a booze-addled shadow looms above me like an immoveable skyscraper
And scream as it begins to beat. Beat. Beat.

Long have I waited, for this day of judgement.
You deserve Lucifer's cruel embrace.
Once my idol, my unconditional love 
Brought me little but bruises and nightmares.

Lying there, powerless, a picture of regret.
I clasp your right hand, catalyst for an innocence full of hurt.
Your eye lids ease shut and your lips curl briefly.
A shrill ring fills the air

and the beat stops.

Author's Note

any and all criticism will be appreciated!

Reviews

[Emma Olsen]

This is good. =) I'm getting the sense this is about an abusive parent or grandparent, in which case I'm hoping it's not from personal experience. If it is, I'm very sorry and I hope that you've been able to heal. I think this is a good moment in time here and it's pretty powerful.
In terms of critiques for improvement, I have a few, but overall this is really polished for me. I think I want a bit more emotional impact from it and some of that may come from exploring the 'you' more as a conflicting figure that the speaker both felt deserved their love and abused it. I think if you do that this will be able to punch people in the gut the way it should, you know? =P
I think you're telling and being a bit too ambiguous in a few places. The most obvious example is with the use of 'regret.' You're not showing me how the 'regret is clear' and I want to see that. Is it a facial expression, something that was said? An action? Or is it something perceived by the speaker that simply isn't there? Oddly enough, this relationship is feeling very general to me - as if the lines have been drawn but the picture still needs to be colored in. What makes this relationship unique besides the power dynamic? I feel the speaker defines his or herself by the abuse, but I have no idea who the 'you' is outside of the hatred of the speaker. At one point this person was an idol - why? Obviously they did bad things, but was there some history of their own? Some reason they used to justify their actions? I'm not sure I even know basic things besides that the individual is now sick and old. What gender are they? I don't think there needs to be a lot added, but maybe just some kind of intrusive memory of the good times versus the bad. This can expand on the idea of pity which is mentioned in the first stanza, especially as this seems to be the moment where the speaker experiences forgiveness.
I think you might also be missing out on a few opportunities to really flesh out some themes you introduce. I think the beat of the machine should be something referenced throughout, especially if you decide to add more and make this longer. I also think you could use this moment to really expand on this idea of who has the power. Clearly the speaker has some, now, but it seems that they are still latched into this need for the recognition from the older individual. Maybe expanding on both of these could be beneficial.
Overall, I do think this is really good as it is right now, but I want to feel the individuals in this situation. I think, when one survives a situation like that, sometimes it's easiest to make the perpetrator this demonic figure when they were usually a person who was hurt in the same way and just made a series of horrible decisions. Of course this in no way excuses those decisions, but I think the easy way to justify it is to call them evil and to not recognize their humanity. This can be dangerous because it makes it easy to forget that we, too, are humans and we, too, can be capable of evil. It is our decisions, not our inner intentions, which truly define us.

On a less philosophical note, the line 'Once my idol, my unconditional love' is tripping me up, I think because love can be both a noun and a verb and I'm not entirely sure how you want it read there (I suspect a verb, but at first I read it as a noun because of 'my idol' before it.) This can probably be fixed with a change in the line break.
I like this. I hope these critiques can help you to improve and I hope that, if this poem is about you, that it and the experience have brought you some catharsis. =)

[Scorpio]

Hi Emma , thank you for reading and for the very detailed feedback! I really appreciate your time and your feedback.
First of all this poem is, thankfully, not based on any sort of personal experience but, rather, it is drawn from various people that I have met in my life.
You've given me much food for thought! This is the first poem I've written and I possibly left it a little too ambiguous. In light of your feedback, I might look at putting together a second, slightly extended version of the poem.
If you wouldn't mind, I might send you a read request of the new version just to hear your opinion.
Thanks again for the feedback, much appreciated! I'll make sure to take a look at some of your work as soon as I get a chance.

[Emma Olsen]

Yeah, of course. =)
Okay, since that's the case, you definitely need to consider both these people carefully. I was abused and usually the relationship with the abuser is not so black and white, but rather a manipulative, confusing one. I think you need a clearer idea of who the abuser is for sure. Though you may be imagining this (or pulling from multiple experiences) it should feel like a specific relationship with a specific person, then it will resonate a lot more. =)
I'd be happy to look at it. I'm interested in seeing what you do with it. And thank you!

[Scorpio]

I'm very sorry to hear that Emma. It's encouraging to see that you are able to discuss the topic so openly.
While my experience is not personal, so I cannot empathise with you. However, my inspiration for this poem came from hearing detailed accounts of other peoples' stories and this story contains elements from a number of different incidents.
Your comments gave me food for thoughts. I've added a new stanza ( stanza 2 ) that I hope addresses some of your critiques. I feel that it makes the poem more complete and slightly less ambiguous.
I am entering the poem, along with some other work of mine, into a writing competition in three weeks time so I am trying to make it as well-rounded as possible by then.
If you wouldn't mind, maybe you could give the poem another read-through - with this adjustment - and let me know what you think about it. Don't refrain from any criticism as it means a lot to me to improve this poem. I feel now that, on the whole, it is fairly polished.
I hope that you enjoy and I look forward to hearing from you again!

[Emma Olsen]

So, I think this revision is definitely an improvement. My big comment is that I was a little thrown by 'her funeral.' I suppose you're referencing a mother, but since you haven't introduced the gender of the assailant yet and change time periods so quickly, I think the pronoun needs to become a title or name or something - or you can have a time period. You try to place it quickly after, but it'd already interrupted my read, you know?
The only other thing is a bit small, more of an aesthetics thing, but the second line, second stanza just looks long in the context of the poem. It's up to you whether to try to break it in another place or not, but I figured I'd just mention it.

This is good and I like your corrections. =) You clarified without losing the eloquence of the previous version and I think the added stanza really helps clarify the story and give it more of an emotional punch. Good job. =)

[Scorpio]

Thanks for the quick feedback, I'll have to think about that as its a difficult one to fix.
Thanks again for the advice though Emma, it's been a great help! I'll keep in touch :)

[Emma Olsen]

I'm sure you'll be able to find a satisfactory way to make it work. =) I'm glad to have helped! Good luck!

[FlamingPhoenix]

This is hideously wickedly incredibly fantastically good! Hideously dark, but so well penned that I LOVE IT!

[Scorpio]

Wow thank you Phoenix! This is the first poem I've written so it means a lot to me to see a comment like that! Thanks for taking the time to read it, I will make sure to give your work a look as soon as I get a chance!

[Coyote Poetry]

A very interesting poem. You left me with questions and wild and crazy vision. Could be a good lead for a story. Add the who, why, when, what and how. You could create a good story. I did like the poem. You gave the reader a taste of places and situation. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Scorpio]

Thanks Coyote, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I tried to leave the poem open to the reader's interpretation so I'd be interested to hear yours. Thanks for reading, I'll make sure to have a look at some of your work when I get a chance!

[Lucia]

I really liked all the descriptions in this poem. It was very powerful and really brought an image into my head. Nice job!

Mind reviewing some of my writing?

[Scorpio]

Hey Lucia, thanks for reading. It's nice to get a little bit of feedback.

With pleasure, I reviewed your story 'Gone'. I will keep an eye on your work!