False Emotions Hurt

First draft

He meant nothing to me,
but so much to her
so I force the ducts to expel
a torrent of salt and water
to show her I care,
if not for him
then at least for her.

 

There was no blood there,
but years of togetherness
was all she really knew.

 

He was her grandfather
even if he was only her
grandmother’s husband.

 

My mind is filled with effort
to attempt to continue crying
and not think about time,
or worse: how good she smelled.

 

The eulogy starts
and the words,
I try to let them slip,
but fail and end up
listening and forgetting
everything around me
and thinking about
my grandfather,
my only father,
and the day I would
lose him.

 

The tears become real
and I pass into being lost.

Author's Note

Help me make this better.

Reviews

[Corset]

I will never tell you how you should express yourself, if you are looking for spelling errors or punctuation help there are those who will do that for you. If we all let others tell us how to express our feelings though creative writing then they cease to be our reflection and they become someone elses.

[Lily Mae]

Help you make it better? Can't be done in my opinion it is perfection..x

[Mackenzie Brooke]

I really like it I dont think it needs much editing.

[~LadyWolf~]

I think it is good the way it is :)

[BlackRose]

I like this alot. The ending is great! Draws it all in like impact perfectly. So, I'm saying I wouldn't change a thing.

[That_Girl]

I love how the poem begins with him faking it for the girl but then as he begins to contemplate losing his own family, his emotions take a dramitic turn. I don't think anything really needs to be changed. Very well done.

[w]

Thank you

[Laura Maidah]

YUM. "so I force the ducts to expel
a torrent of salt and water"

"but years of togetherness" YUMM.

"and I pass into being lost." YUM.

everything else was just okay. Just kidding! did i get you or what? I loved it.

[w]

Concrete enough for you? I am not sure about the flow. The last stanza worries me. Comments?

[Laura Maidah]

It is vague, gossamer in tone at the end. Very lucid, because the abstractions are meticulous and wickedly precise. Nice.

[w]

I will leave it as is, unless someone has thoughts on how to make it better and I like them.

[Laura Maidah]

I like as is. Me like.