If Bella stayed: A Twilight fanfiction

Every wonder if Bella (In book one) Hadn't run off to the nomadic Vampire James in order to keep him from killing the ones she loved? Read this tuching tale of Love, danger, and action.

I started to go into shock as I hung up the phone, and let it slip from my hand to the floor.

This couldn't be happening. But it was.

I wasn't sure what to do. Would James kill my mother if I went with Edward? What if I took off with Edward, and everyone else took care of him? Would he kill her then, or would he kill someone of my extended family? There was another option. I could go to James like he wants.

I had to do it.

I didn't want to think about it. Every idea I had seemed to end with someone getting hurt. And my best idea included me.

I collapsed on my bed. I tried to fight back the tears, but I failed. Alice ran into my room in warped speed. "What is it?" she asked, amazingly calm.

"Nothing, nothing." I said trying to hide my sobbing. I couldn't tell her. She would never let me go. She looked at me in disbelief. "You are the worst liar I've ever seen, Bella."

"I-I don't w-want to t-tell you." I said while sobbing. She got onto my bed and held me, rubbed my back. "Bella, you can tell me anything. You know that. Please tell me, Bella." I had to. She knew I was lying. Darn it, stupid sonic hearing Vampires.

When I spoke, it all came out fast.

"When I answered the phone, I heard another voice. It was the Tracker! It was James! He-he said he had my mother and that he wanted me to go to my house, and call him. I think he wants me to go to the Ballet Studio. He said I had to come alone. He's going to kill my mother, Alice! He's going to kill her!"

I wrapped my arms around her. I started to cry again.

"Shh, Bella, shh. Everything is going to be alright. We'll figure something out. We will." I felt a calming force come over me, so I looked around the room, searching for Jasper. He was standing by the door. He knew not to interfere with me until the time was right.

We sat there for what seemed like hours. Finally Alice got up.

"Bella, you should go take a shower. Edward's plane is going to land in about three hours. I need to call Carlisle."
She walked out of the room. I pulled my bathroom bag out of my duffel. I took as much time as I could in the shower. The hot water calmed my nerves. I took my time to blow dry my hair, let it fall in waves around my face. I quickly dressed and went into the main room.

"I'm ready. Where is Jasper?"

"He's in the lobby paying the bill and checking us out. I talked to Carlisle. We decided that you, Edward, and Carlisle are going to take you and Emmett, Jasper, and I are going to hunt James." I couldn't believe what she had just said. One of them are going to get hurt, I know they will.

I had to put a stop to this.

" NO, no, no! You can't do this! I won't let you do this.You must be crazy! Your going to be killed!" She looked like she was trying to fight back a laugh. "Honestly Bella, do you really think you can stop us?" She finally let out a little giggle. How she could be laughing now is beyond me. "We are not going to be killed Bella. It'll be three to one. And with Emmett there it doesn't really matter if we are there."
"But, but you can't. Please Alice. Please. This is what he wants. Its a game to him! Just like Edward said. The more harm he causes, to him, the better! Please Alice. I should just go to him like he wants." I started to weaken at the knees so I sat down. Alice joined me and held me again. She looked deep into my eyes, studying me. "Humans are so strange" She thought aloud.

"Bella," She finally said. "We are going to be fine. Do you hear me Bella? Fine. I'm NOT letting you go get your self killed and that's that.

You say that you don't want us to be hurt,  if we were to let you go Edward would kill us. I'm sure of it. I'm not joking. He loves you, Bella.

He can't live without you. You are not going." I knew all was lost.

Just then Jasper entered the room. "We're checked out. We should go." I grabbed my duffel, but Jasper offered to take it and I was to mad to say no. The car ride seemed to take forever. But the wait was longer. I still hadn't ruled out running, but I really didn't think there was anyway I could get away.

Thank god. Only five more minutes until my own personal Heaven. I counted down the minutes on the clock. Just two more minutes. 

I walked over to the door where the passengers were going to come out. I saw the plane pulling into the gate. What was taking so long?

The seconds ticked by like hours.

And then I saw him.

His eyes searched for me. The minute he spotted me he ran (in human speed, of course.) to me. He wrapped his arms around me, supporting most of my weight. His lips touched mine. All was right with the world.

And then, too soon he let go. He put his arm around my waist. I was breathing in his scent. I stopped when I got dizzy.

Carlisle spoke first. "Bella, it's nice to know your safe. Edward has been so worried."

"Yeah, Bella. You haven't been eaten by James. I'd say that's a huge plus." Emmett laughed.

I laughed, too. Everyone joined it.

"Okay, okay. Stop with the wise cracks." Carlisle said. "Bella, Edward, you, and I will be going to Alaska to our Cabin. We lived there for a while a few years ago. Alice, Jasper, and Emmett are going to take a Cab."

"Where?" I asked.

"To your house. They are going to call James there."

"okay." I said simply.

"We'll be safe, Bella.Don't you worry any more." Edward said, pulling me into a tighter embrace.

"Do you think I'm the only person I worry about? What about Alice, Emmett, and Jasper?

What about them? Do you think they are going to be safe?" I really did want to know what he thought.

He looked deep into my eyes smiled slightly and said, "I think that, if it was just Emmett there, James wouldn't stand a chance. That's what I think, sweetheart."

I wished he hadn't said that. I wished he had said what they were doing was crazy, and that they shouldn't go. "We really should get going. Emmett, do you want to get  the bags? They are on....." Alice looked at a little piece of paper. "...Carousel five."

"Okay, don't worry Bella, we'll be back at that wretched school before you know it."

I let out a small laugh.

We headed towards the elevator, Edward was still supporting most of my weight.

As we walked I thought about the long days ahead of us.
 

Author's Note

Please tell me what you honestly think! Don't be shy, I won't be mad at anything you say. Well, unless you tell me you want to hunt me down and kill me. But other than that.....

Reviews

[The Lit Wit]

I have a mouthful of comments to say, and none of them are intended to hurt or offend you. I wish for you to consider them as an opportunity to improve or get some idea of what's really bouncing around in people's heads when they read this. Know that I never critique just to tell someone they aren't good because it's a waste of words and breath. No writer is "good" without obsessive practice and learning from mistakes. I know I've made many myself and continue to make them.

I'm saying this because I have some brutally honest comments to make. Keep in mind that I'm not attacking you personally. I'm reviewing your writing style. I try to tell people what they're doing wrong, because you learn from mistakes. Not from something you did right the first time.

Here I go.

First, I think that there's nothing wrong with fanfiction. It can be fun and certainly develops your understanding and interpretation of any literature. As a writer, a broad horizon is a blessing. But I think writing fanfiction is a crutch you should try to get away from if you are really passionate about writing. If you depend on it and try to write your own story from scratch�you'll never get a word down.

You do have a strong potential here, but the overall quality suffered from inexperience mistakes. For example, you used "telling" over "showing" in this sentence: "I started to go into shock as I hung up the phone, and let it slip from my hand to the floor." Maybe say something like: A wave of panic rushed through me. My heart pounded. No, I breathed. No. The phone slipped from my hand and crashed against the floor."

Another typical mistake is vagueness. You don't specify what's going on, which can cause confusion in the reader's mind. "I tried to fight back the tears, but I failed." From this sentence, I get no visual in my mind. Maybe say something like, "Tears stung my eyes. I squeezed my eyelids shut, but thick droplets broke free and ran like rivers down my cheeks."

Lastly, I thought the subtext was poorly developed. You seem to just jump into the story, already assuming that the reader knows and loves Bella. This is a flaw that fanfiction can assume. You need to build up a strong connection between reader and character.
Well, that's it for now. Good job, and Good luck,
Melinda

[Rose of Gondor]

@ Melinda Merlin Atlas ----apparently the author didn't take offense, and I'M not going to, I'm just gonna say one thing: this is why I don't try to publish too much fanfiction on this site. that's what EVERYONE I know says. Fanfiction doesn't kill original fiction. It's just a little something that makes Writer's Block go away. No offense meant to you and I hope, none taken on your part, because that review was constructive and should be voted constructive.

@ the story: Here's my review

Personally, I think this is a good idea. A good twist to the story. But, as Jemma has already stated, Bella won't do something like this. I'm not going to pretend that I know the characters better than anyone, because I don't, but Bella, being Bella, would never do this. You captured Emmet, but Alice is a little out of character, as we call it. I think you gave Bella a brand new personality in this fic, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but when you're writing fanfiction with canon, they're supposed to be in character, right?

Also, try not to well, how should I say this, "rush" it. I know sometimes you have to get somethings done in a chapter, but ellaborate on the details, and if you aren't exactly a descriptive writer, at least try to actually see the story. Know what I mean? Like you're telling this from Bella's POV, so see through Bellas eyes! You're not telling the story to an audience! At least, not intended to be. You see, first person is an advantage. It gives you better.....hmmmm.....mood to the story , but if you don't feel the story, it's not going to work.

All in all, good job, and I'm glad to find a fellow fanfic author here. :)

[Jemma]

Well i don't want to hunt you down and kill you. >.< First off I am a huge fan of twilight. The books especially. And even though Bella would never do something like this. Never leave her mother in the unknown thinking she could get killed, it is a very good read. Bella as the main charter has too much passion and is too stubbon to ever risk her mothers life or anyone else's. But as I said this is a good read even if it doesnt fit in with the personality's of the charters. I will say though other then that you did very well with charters such as Emmett. The little smart remark he makes in the book you have incorparated very well. Congrads on re-making this scene and for doing it so well. Onto the next chapter.