CHAPTER 2 ELDERLY MAN DEATH/FIRST MEETING NIKOLAUS

CHAPTER 2 ELDERLY MAN DEATH/FIRST MEETING NIKOLAUS

An elderly man is lying fragile in front of me. He lay there completely alone , a withered husk of a man that once was and after all this time it still didn't seem fair. I walked to the side of his bed and sat. His breathing was laboured and his eyes were a milky haze. He turned to me and on the brink of death he could see me sitting on his bed. He took a deep breath, "I'm not ready..." He said.

"I know." It was all I could think to say. I could feel that his body was tired and that his soul was unwilling.

"Then why?" He asked of me.

"Because it's your time..." I replied.

This poor man was so dehydrated he could hardly muster a single tear. I looked to the bedside table and see an old picture of a couple on their wedding day. I can only assume the man was he who was before me.

"Where is you wife?" I asked

"Gone." He replied.

"I'm sorry."

"Our daughter will bring her back in the morning to see me..."

'Oh', was all I could muster in reply. I was caught for a moment, embarrassed. Usually in these situations 'gone' means dead.

The man continued "Please, let me say goodbye to them." He reached out to touch me, I stood avoiding his touch and said.

"No, it doesn't work like that."

The man didn't argue this; he seemed oddly accepting of his fate.

"What's on the other side?" He asked.

"I don't know; I've never been. I'm just here to help you get there."

I sat back on the edge of the bed and placed my hand over his. I've always hated this part. It doesn't feel right. I always think about what the person is leaving behind, whether their life mattered. What they would have done different. I listened as the man drew his final breath it was crackly. The machine monitoring his vitals began to bleep and whine. I pulled the man out of his body and pulled him to my side out of the way as a nurse came in quickly followed by a young doctor.

"Am I really dead?" The man asked as he looked down at his old frail body. This man's spirit was young so that was how he looked, young; barely seventeen looking down at his frail elderly body.

"Yes." I replied. The doctor and two nurses swarmed over his body trying to resuscitate him.

"Do you want to see this?" I gestured towards the medical staff trying to resuscitate the elderly man.

"Why would I want to see this?!" The man gaped.

"I don't know. I guess it gives some people closure."

I began to walk out of the room and into the corridor, the man followed closely behind. An orderly pushing a empty wheelchair walked straight through us, shocking the newly dead man as he patted his hands over his body to ensure he was intact.

"What now?" He asked.

"I don't know." I replied in earnest. "Every death is different."

"Michael?" We turned to where the voice came from there stood barefoot a blonde girl in a cream dress.

The girl saw the man's young face and she smile warmly at him. "Michael, let's go." She smiled again at him, then blushed and looked at the floor.

"Mary?" The man said. "Where are we going?" Michael queered.

"Down to the river at the back of my house, silly, we always go after class. Remember?" The girls spirit looked almost confused.

The man brushed back his short blonde hair and walked over to where the barefoot girl stood. I noticed he was now barefoot also wearing faded blue shorts and a white shirt. He didn't look back at me, only forward as he grabbed Mary's hand and they walked into a pool of light together.

"Mary slipped on a mossy rock, she fell unconscious into the water and drown. Dying at the tender age of fifteen isn't life just heartbreakingly cruel sometimes." This statement was followed by a snide chuckle.

"How nice of you to pop in on this tender moment, Nikolaus..." My voice brimming with sarcasm as I say this to the tall, dark haired man standing to my side, I look up at him and his face just looks cold and defensive.

Nikolaus continued, "You never love anyone like your first, some people spend the rest of their life trying to recreate it. Such a shame that only in death that man could acquire it."

"Why are you so cynical? That man, Michael, was happy with his wife they had a family together. He asked me if he could stay just a little longer so he could say goodbye to them..."

Nikolaus raised his hand to cut off my sentence, I stood silent. His face came close to mine and he said "Everybody always asks to stay a little longer, they're few exceptions."

I look back down the corridor where the portal of light once was, it was true what he said. I could feel Nikolaus move behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, I tried not to stiffen. I could hear him breathing he said gently in my ear, "Besides the real question you've got to ask yourself is how happy was Michael with his wife? You saw just as I did, Michael walking off into a beautiful portal of light with another woman."

Nikolaus lifts his hand and pulls my violet hair over my shoulder and brings it up to his face. I can hear him breathing in the scent of my hair and rubbing the strands over his cheek. It's odd how and why he does this I'll let him have his moment, it could be worse, his behaviour around me use to be more presumptuous and shameless.

Once he was so brash that I had to push him off & I slapped him hard across the face then I walked away crying. After that incident he disappeared for many months possibly a year and I was lonely; I hadn't realised that Nikolaus was my only company. I use to try to keep spirits with me after I pulled them from their bodies. I couldn't keep them here with me for long, after they see their afterlife they don't acknowledge me, I guess I cease existing for them. Why would you want to stick around socialising with death when there's a beautiful portal in your reach that holds so much promise for a happy hereafter.

When Nikolaus left me here alone for several months I was following a nurse around and turned a corner, Nikolaus was standing there coyly. Emotion suddenly came over me and I walked straight up to him and hugged him basking in the comfort of not being alone. I still hated him but when you've been surrounded by people but completely alone it's a new kind of torture, I still to this day harbour resentment toward him but I can tolerate his presence and contact though I prefer it to be minimal.

When I hugged him Nikolaus he was a little shocked, but after a beat he put his arms around me and apologised to me. He said that he'd been alone for a long time and he just wanted to be close to someone. I told him that I hate him, but that I needed him to keep me sane. He seemed to accept that and promised he'd keep himself restrained so long as there was common ground between us. We talk and I let him touch my hair, my skin that's exposed in what I'm wearing and he kisses my cheek sometimes when he says goodbye. I don't know where he goes. I assume he has to go and help a spirit from its body, I don't know why he can leave and I can't.

I still have to fend off Nikolaus' advances occasionally, he'll try and push the border of our relationship further, and I know it's not enough for him. But I shrug him off and he stops.

"Happy enough..." I said as I snapped my mind back into the present. "I suppose they were happy enough. You can't assume that Michael and Mary were soul mates, they could have grown out of their infatuation once they were older."

Nikolaus drops my hair and I turn to face him, though my eyes didn't meet his. "Why do you know how Mary died?" I ask.

Nikolaus lifts his hand and tilts my chin so my green eyes meet his dark brown ones. "I just do" he replies. He lifts the other to cup my face in his hands; I allow this gesture but say "Please don't try..."

"I'm not." He whispers abruptly.

I can see in his face that I've offended him, he hasn't tried in ages so I try and let go. I close my eyes and feel his hands on my cheeks; I'm enjoying the contact. One of his hands moves through my dark violet hair, down through the strands when he reaches the end I feel his hand move to my shoulder. I'm struggling against opening my eyes, I want to trust him. I'm certain I sense him close to me. My eyes fling open but I stay still as I feel his lips pressing gently against my cheek, he lingers for a moment then straightens dropping his hands to his side.

"Do you hear it like a voice in your head?" I ask Nikolaus.

"Hear what?" He replies.

"How they die, is it like a voice in your head or do you read it from a book?"

Nikolaus looks past me over my shoulder I turn my head and see he's looking at the clock. "It's dawn, do you want to go up to the roof to watch the sunrise?" Nikolaus asks me.

"You haven't answered my question."

"Come up to the roof." Nikolaus begins to walk a little down the corridor toward the elevator. I call after him,

"If I follow you up to the roof then will you answer my question?"

Nikolaus turns around and smiles, "Maybe."

I have nothing else to do except follow around another nurse, which I can do any time. Plus Nikolaus' visits can be few and far between, I should take advantage of the social interaction while it's available. With a sigh I follow after him, I catch up with him at the elevator he's standing behind a orderly with a cart. The doors open and we follow the orderly in. I can hear the orderly humming a tune then he straightens his back and pulls out a wedge. I smile to myself and restrain a giggle, I look at Nikolaus and he's looking straight ahead not paying attention. The door opens at the second highest level; we'll have to take the stairs the rest of the way. We walk out of the elevator and walk through the closed door for the stairs. The door to the roof is askew with a brick, staff and occasionally patients come up here to have a cigarette.

They're a few empty milk crates brought up from the kitchen by the staff and a small table stolen from a waiting room. A resident in scrubs has his head in his hand and a lit cigarette in the other. The sky is a dark blue, the few clouds glow with a purple haze because the sun hasn't peaked over the horizon yet. I walk over to the edge of the building and lean against the brick. Nikolaus does the same. I'm aware it's cold but I don't feel cold like I use to, I don't need to wear my black coat, but I do. The silence is making me uneasy "Beautiful isn't it?" I say to Nikolaus.

"I've seen the sun rise and fall a hundred thousand times, yet there is still so much beauty in it." Nikolaus rests his chin on heel of his hand nonchalantly.

I realised he wasn't he wasn't going to answer my question without me asking again.

"I just know." Nikolaus says without my further enquiry "I don't hear voices in my head, I don't read a book. I look at them and I just know. Sometimes I see it." Nikolaus said.

"See it? Like a vision?"

"Sometimes, other times it's like fragments; key moments about the death, little flashes, bits of a scene."

"I don't see them." I said.

"I know." Nikolaus replied.

"Why?" Nikolaus turns his back on the sunrise and leans against the brick.

"Because you don't want to..." he says.

"Sometimes I do, sometimes I'm curious. They're a lot of things I don't know."

"Such as?"

"Such as my name, I don't even know my name or what year it is. I think time moves differently for me, does time move differently for you?"

"You don't know your name?"

"Seriously, out of everything I just said 'thats' what you took away?"

"But it's your name; it isn't something that is easily forgotten. Can you remember anything before you were here?"

"I remember waking here but not much before." Part of me hopes that Nikolaus will give some insight but instead he remains silent, perhaps he doesn't know either so I continue it the hope he will give me some tidbit of information.

"Nikolaus I don't know how long I've been here either, does time move differently for me? I look out the window and it's light out and then I watch the nurses' as they move through the wards and tend to patients, then I find myself looking out the window again and it's pitch black and the nurse is gone within an instant. It's quite a strange occurrence; could have sworn I only look away from the window for a minute or two. I don't like how time slips away from me like that. Do you have any idea how that feels?"

Nikolaus is looking at the gravel he is either ignoring me or contemplating what I'm saying, I'm not sure which. Nikolaus looks up from the ground at me. This is the most I've ever divulged to him and he looks quizzical.

"I do know how that feels but it would take too long to answer your questions, and I don't have that kind of time? Besides why should I, you seem to be doing fine by yourself and I receive no reward for helping you."

"Yes, but I feel like it's out of my control. It's as if my nature takes over and I can't stop what I'm doing. Isn't helping me better understand reward enough?!"

In the brightening light of the morning sky I see Nikolaus eyebrows arch in thought he moves directly in front of me. "Is this why you reject me?" He says calmly.

I'm in a state of confusion, what does he mean? He continues "You reject me and my affection because your feelings are the only thing you have control over?" He said sternly.

"What?" I was beyond confusion "No, how did you come to that conclusion?! Besides when on earth did this conversation become about you? I rejected you because one of my very first memories of you was waking up in this state with your hand pushing up my dress so your fingers could unhook my stockings!"

I drew a deep breath and was on the brink of tears at this sudden recollection of memory. "The very first moment I met you, I screamed. I woke up on the cold ground with people bustling around me and a strange man trying to undress me and nobody heard me scream... Nobody came to help me when you grabbed my wrists and dragged me down the corridor. I screamed and cried hysterically and people walked on by."

There was complete silence all I heard was a gust of wind. I didn't look at him, I didn't want too. "I tried to explain, I tried to comfort you like I'd seen others do." He whispered.

You tried to kiss me and hold me down! You, the man who was undressing me!"

"I'm sorry that's not what I was trying to do!"

"Then explain it! What possible reason do you have to explain what you did?!"

All of this tension had been built up for what seemed like decades. "It was the way you fell..." He said.

I look up at him, into his eyes. They were sad, remorseful.

"You fell on the ground unconscious and your dress was like that, the top of your stocking and suspender was showing; I was curious. I could see your naked skin, something just came over me I just wanted to know how it felt, your skin against mine, so I unhooked it. Then you woke up and saw me. You just kept screaming so I pulled you away and tried to comfort you. I'm sorry..."

I wasn't ready to forgive him, so I said nothing. I just looked at him; he was still close but not touching me. "You're never going to love me are you?"

"I'm sorry Nikolaus" I couldn't look him in the eyes when I said it. Even after his admission of his perspective I still felt resentful but I had a newfound sympathy.

"Don't do that!" Nikolaus took a step back. "Don't pity me!"

"I'm not, I just... I just... I'm confused" I look up at where Nikolaus stood, except he wasn't there. I walked across the rooftop

"Nikolaus!" I said, there was no answer just an eerie silence "Nikolaus, get back here!" I yelled into the wind. "We're not done yet!" I spun in a circle looking for him expecting him to reappear. He didn't...