Coffee Commandments

don't let bitterness in your cup lead to bitterness in life...

Coffee Commandments

In those days, Crema of Arabica looked down upon the people brewing in darkness and he had compassion on them.  "I will go down to them," he said, "and I will bestow upon them these, my Coffee Commandments, that they might experience their blessed brew as it was intended."  And so, as he had said, Crema presented his Coffee Commandments to the people, saying:

I.     Thou shalt have no percolators or other industrial coffee-makers before me.

II.    Thou shalt choose thy beans with care.  Be not tempted by inferior light roasts, for their high acidity is a bringer of sourness that has no place in thy cup.

III.   Thou shalt grind thy beans.  In no other way shalt thou achieve the taste thou strivest for.

IV.   Thou shalt not use too few grounds when making thy coffee, for over-extraction of oils leads to a weak and bitter brew.  Enduring such swill shall suffice as punishment for this offense.  Use no less than three tablespoons for half a pot and no less than six for a full pot.

V.    Thou shalt not use too many grounds when making thy coffee, for under-extraction of oils leads to equally offensive brew.  In addition to the taste, thou shalt also be stricken with overflowing of the filter.  Use no more than six tablespoons for half a pot and no more than eight for a full pot.

VI.   Thou shalt not over-grind thy beans, for this leads to over-extraction of oils and excessive sediment.  A mouthful of foul-tasting sludge shall be thy reward.  Count, thou, no more than two seconds per tablespoon of beans.

VII.  Thou shalt not under-grind thy beans, for this leads to under-extraction of oils.  May thy dissatisfaction know no bounds.  Count, thou, no less than two seconds per tablespoon of beans.

VIII. Thou shalt not re-freeze thy beans, for this causes harmful condensation and destruction of essential oils within the bag. Once opened, thy bag of beans shall never again see the inside of a freezer.  Beans violated in such a manner shall rightfully deny you their proper oils forevermore.

IX.   Thou shalt not make more coffee than thou canst consume within the hour, for age does thy brew no favors.  Woe to you who wouldst partake of such ancient stuff or subject thy peers to its consumption.

X.    Thou shalt drink thy coffee black as the maker intended.  If, in thy weakness, thou must temper thy brew, only natural ingredients shalt thou use.

The people heard Crema's words and pondered them in their hearts before saying, "My, aren't thou a pompus and arrogant b**b to come here with thy patronizing commandments?"  And so the people cast Crema into their most evil coffee-desecrating implement, the Great Percolator, where he was boiled into a brew that all agreed was only slightly more revolting than usual.  Thus, it came to pass that the art of coffee making was lost to the people forever.

Author's Note

I posted this in my company breakroom about 5 years ago in an effort to remedy some of the sins being committed against coffee daily. (I left out mentioning our CEO's practice of microwaving beans to "freshen" them after being repeatedly re-frozen.) To date, it is still dangerous to drink the breakroom coffee. I have been somewhat successful in establishing the concept of measuring instead of dumping beans, but that's the extent of my progress and I bring my own coffee from home every morning. *sigh*

Reviews

[Fonda, Like Jane]

as in all things religious, i commit to subversive sacrilege. sometimes a good cup of diner coffee left on the burner a little too long OR a cup of truck-stop-coffee swill on a long road trip is the liquid translation of the face of God.

aside from that small issue of class :), i am sorry you have been discriminated against for your discrimnating taste. Is there a caveat in the commandements that perhaps allows for fulfilling the spirit of the law rather than the letter?

[Captain Salt]

This is by far the most entertaining writing I have read thus far. I imagine you had some time to consider the construction of it's entirety and I assume it has gone without appreciation as your co-workers are concerned. Though these days, I believe a large majority of people only drink coffee because it's the thing to do, it's hip, and I somehow get the feeling that those people feel more intelligent with a cup in hand. I've always just enjoyed straight up black coffee..... But I am no trend setter. Well written, and well played!

[Mason Vail]

Ah, but you see, Fonda, the whole set of commandments given here already represents enormous compromise and leniency. Note that there are ranges allowed for such critical elements as measuring grounds and that the given ranges fall far short of the amounts any true believer would recognize as proper. Even the fact that the commandments are clearly in the context of standard drip-makers, rather than superior methods such as the sublime French press, indicates enormous compromise. How can you teach a man to fish, you see, when you can't even convince him to take hold of the rod?

;)