Desolate Stage Of Grief

It tells of my feelings a year after the loss of my mother at the age of 21.

Today is a day that I should cry for you. I should mourn the passage of time since that day, a year ago when I saw my mother motionless and alone, lifeless… and lacking a soul. I suppose some would say the same of me, soulless perhaps, after reading this. I do however want to clarify the no one on this earth could tell me that I don’t miss you, that I didn’t in some unrecognizable way die much in the same way you did… The only difference is that I am still here, trapped in some hellish scenario where I feel almost nothing, I feel nothing on the one year anniversary of the day you died.

I admit that I cringe at the mention of your name and that I am hesitant to provoke the memories from what feels now like a lifetime ago. Still, on this day, regardless of the countless times your memory has flooded my brain, I feel…. indifferent. I have no intolerable pressure in my chest that steals the breath from my lungs when I see you sitting in your chair smiling. I have no overwhelming wave of emotion when I remember the sparkle of excitement in your eyes when you knew I was accepted into college… I am left with nothing but the knowledge of how much I miss you and the question of why I just can’t seem to “feel” it.

I sit here remembering my mother… someone who was my savior, my heartache, and my hell… someone who was everything to me, and I come to the same realization that I have a thousand times before, I should be devastated, and I was… for a very little while. What I repetitively contemplate every single miserable day is how I simply don’t feel the emotions everyone routinely expects me to feel. Perhaps I am broken in some way, and I suppose the likeliness of that is much more feasible than a young girl feeling nearly nothing a year after her mother passed so unexpectedly… But here I sit in some desolate, uncharted stage of grief that apparently no one has found the need to document. Some, maybe even most, may call me lost. With that said, I can’t and will not argue that I fully disagree with their assumptions, however I am not lost within my grief.

I believe I am lost within my own inferno, one so hot it forces me to doubt my own sanity, my normality, and my ability to deal with such a loss. I do not want to believe in the rightness of my own conclusion and I certainly don’t want to admit that how I am feeling is wrong or dispassionate, but I am willing to declare a certain ambiguity to my state of heart. I want to believe in the diversity of loss. I want to believe in a grief that is uncharacterizeable, a freedom of love and loss without a defined reaction… I want to believe that my grief is okay in all its entirety, regardless how dysfunctional … and that I, among others, are perfectly normal in our own desolate hell.

Reviews

[terry smith]

the stage is called "shock"...stages of grief do not come in the order they say in books...and the symptoms of shock are not always of the same intensity some are numb some are title waves. I hope to read much more of your writing as I have a feeling it will be quite good!!

[Seanalee La Vonne]

Thank you so much for such kind words, id like to think I am a talented writer... I guess we shall see!

[terry smith]

I will read as you write and let you know:) feel free to read me anytime you need a laugh:)

[Seanalee La Vonne]

Done! Goodnight!

[KWP]

I am so sorry for your loss :(

I think you should feel however you wish to feel - but when you do soak it up - and when you soak it up observe your emotions to understand them fully - then when you understand them - accept that they are a part of you - and when you have accepted it - the put it all on a ship - send them all in a package - and watch the pain float away

your mother will always be a part of you - and that will be a most beautiful thing - but now it's your time to shine - having two boys of my own I just know your mother would have not wanted one inch less for you.

Much love to you - sending you the best across the seas XXX

[KWP]

oh and thank you for sharing your beautiful words XX

[Seanalee La Vonne]

Thank you for this

[Robert Parlange]

Everyone grieves in their own way. You shouldn't berate yourself because you don't believe you are acting in the way someone else thinks you should. The fact that you wrote this piece and are thinking about your mother shows you are a caring person.

When my father died I felt no emotions. He suffered from Alzheimer’s for many years and the man I knew as my father didn't exist anymore. Oh, he was there physically, but he was a completely different person. I felt guilty about that for quite some time. But I knew I took care of him the best I could and was there for him when he needed me most.

Hang in there. You are a good writer.

[Seanalee La Vonne]

Its so nice to hear that another person has felt the way that I do now... Its comforting in so many ways! As for a good writer, I truly hope you are correct!! haha

[Seanalee La Vonne]

Please let me know what you're thinking! Thanks!