The Silent Visitor

Thriller involving a young mother, her son, and an eerie individual...

   The lights had just gone out.

 

   Suddenly she felt herself overwhelmed by a void envelope of darkness. The white hallway that she had just been walking down disappeared, a hostage of the black blanket. No longer could she see the glistening tiles beneath her feet. No longer did the ornate portraits on the wall smile upon her. It was as if her sight had been temporarily removed.

   Slowly, however, dim shapes began to form in front of her as her eyes began to adjust to the dense dark. A distant city-view window provided her only source of light. Slowly, cautiously, she began to make her way down the hall towards the window, her only beacon. The place was deathly silent and right then she could not help but think Where is everybody?  For, contrary to just moments ago, there had been definite signs of occupancy in each of the rooms she passed as she’d made her way forward.

   “Hello?” she ventured cautiously to the silence around her.

Thud.

   The sound came from behind her, dull but definite. She halted immediately, her body going rigid. But the place was silent again and not another sound was heard for well over the next minute or so. She relaxed and calmly, though a little more briskly, began to move forward again. As she looked ahead, she experienced  a thread of confusion as she perceived that the window now seemed further away than it was just moments ago.  

Thud.

   It was nearer this time. The gasp had barely escaped her lips when the light from the window went out, throwing her straight back into the black darkness.

Thud.

   Even closer now. Another sound accompanied it as well - a slow, scraping sound, as if someone were patiently clawing their way out of a boarded cabinet.

Now utterly terrified, she tried to run from the sound, only to find her feet could not move - it was as if they had been rooted to the very spot in which they stood by a silent, commanding force.

   The sound drew closer and closer, mingled with the frantic patter of her own beating heart. She stood there, paralysed.

Suddenly the sound halted and a few moments of ominously sickening silence followed. She tried to move again and this time found that she had regained control of her feet.

   Had she been imagining things? Slightly mollified by this thought, she stepped forward, right into a par of  pale, thin, icy hands that emerged out of the darkness and clasped her neck in a vice like grip. Her silenced scream pierced her being…

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

   “Mom!” David cried in alarm as he raced into his mother’s bedroom, practically deafened by her terrified screams. Her face bore an expression of utmost horror.

   “Mom!” he repeated as leapt onto the bed and began shaking her. Her screams intensified.

   “Mom!” he cried desperately, redoubling his efforts.

   Suddenly the screams broke off and Chloe’s eyes flew open. Sweat was glistening on her now incredibly pale skin. Her eyes grew less wild and her previously contorted face began to relax and regain their normal features as she realized that she was not in some dark hallway fighting for her life but safe in her own apartment with her six year old son. Concern was etched on his soft features.

   “You had that dream again, didn’t you?” his light brown eyes met hers knowingly.

   “Yes,” she replied without hesitation. It didn’t make sense to deny it. She’d had the dream, or nightmare rather, at least eleven times before. Though David wasn’t privy to the exact details of the dream, he knew enough to know that only this particular one would have his mother so horrified.

    A short, awkward silence ensued. Awkward because by now the dream had recurred enough for both of them to be concerned. Chloe sighed, smiled, and held out her arms for David. He readily climbed into them and looked up at his mother, concern still evident. Right then she looked like an utter mess, with her usually flowing mahogany hair in a tangled frenzy and her eyes unable to mask the lingering effects of the terror she had felt. The curtain of calm she usually put on to ease her son’s concern was gradually becoming more difficult to maintain.

But David knew his mother to be strong. She had always been. Smart, beautiful and incredibly strong-spirited, which was why the effects the dream had on her were rather disturbing. David sighed and laid his head against Chloe’s chest. He listened to the beat of her heart and felt his own until he determined that both were beating in sync.

   “I love you, Davey,” Chloe whispered as he drifted off to sleep.

For her, the sleep would not come so easily. At 3:10 a.m., she still had about two and a half more hours to go before she got up. Though she was tired, she refrained from closing her eyes. She wasn’t quite ready to drift back into the unknown, where anything was possible. She kept awake that hour, listening to the rhythmic breathing of her sleeping child.

 

And when the clock struck 6:00 a.m., she was still awake.

 

Reviews

[reflectingus]

From the first word to the end, the whole piece had this eerie, chilly effect throughout, and I actually gawked and felt my adrenaline level rising! haha, you did such a great job with this, I enjoyed reading this a lot. The story is so detailed, every 'ifs' and 'buts' were answered, and just, beautiful (and creepy, ofcourse). Also, I want to add, the 'thud' part- GENIUS! I just have one minor issue thing- the part where the cold hands clasp her neck, maybe you could've stretched it a little? I mean, I didn't get that sort of expected...jerk, you could say, because you didn't stress much on the emotions and how she felt, like maybe first you can talk about a sudden contact to her skin, she felt goosebumps rising, and then, she slowly turns around and sees a very horrid looking hand (so some more details about the hand would help). Just that, that part felt a little abrupt. However, I'm just suggesting because I loved this write so much, and I wanted that creepy feeling to actually linger longer. Other than that, timing- verbatim. Everything else was just flawless, and I agree with the others, I'd love to see more of this and perhaps a little history and all so I can understand the story as a whole. Keep writing :)

[patricia]

straight into the drama give it a great start.
drop one of the slowly's in the second paragraph (suggestion)
like the way the ...sound paragraph plays with distances.
i will leave it here, just realised have already reviewed this, there i am below.
i tend to be drawn to stories by their titles.
bye for now.

[Wendy Seames Garner]

What a horrible nightmare, poor Chloe, and poor Davey, too. I use to have recurring nightmares as a child, I was terrified of going to sleep. Great chapter, R.G., is this a first chapter or somewhere in the middle? I can't wait to read more.

I found one mistake:
"Slightly mollified by this thought, she stepped forward, right into a par of pale, thin, icy hands that emerged out of the darkness and clasped her neck in a vice like grip." Right into a (pair) of pale,

[Carmen-Rose McGill]

Eerie. I had a chill up my spine the entire time. I definatly want to read more! Good write!

[patricia]

this had me interested all the way through, and right at the end, when she was afraid to go back to sleep, I felt it all...that's the worse thing about a nightmare, the fear of it happening again. This was realy good. Thanks.

[AK]

Very nice piece! I absolutely loved it. Great writing style, awesome story!

[Priya]

This is very good. You should certainly develop it. I don't think I have anything to criticize here. If I had to nitpick, I would say that you made a typo on the word "ominously", and there seems to be an unwarranted quotation mark near the middle of the story.
Other than that, this work is very, very good. The story is intriguing, and leaves me wanting for more.

[E. Ryan Miller]

Definitely creepy. And definitely leaves you wanting to read more. I mean, what in the world is going to happen?