As a journey aspires ahead I could never say I absolutely know what to feel. I feel as though I know what the feel of “Love” is but in reality is the pain of it , being let down and have the feeling of I’m enough or the feeling of guilt as if I had done something wrong. The guilt is what simply tears a person up inside to have the illusion that you and the person can and could be something real, like the magic seen in the movies. But you have to wake up , take a breath, and see that nothing is ever as it seems to be. Don’t hurt yourself about it, and don’t make lies to yourself in order for you to feel better it’s just not going to work at the end of the day , at night you're going to lay in the bed, covers over your head and cry because you know your wrong , thinking about what you could do to fix something that wasn’t even your fault just for that person to be there and do the same thing over and over again is that was love's supposed to be?
In this state I wouldn't know I thought I did , I wanted to know the feeling. Love is the main thing that you shouldn’t have to think about it should be effortless. But how do you go into love is their a theory, a way, a method? There's not and that’s what’s scary. After these minor years of life I have been under the impression of movies and how they seem to demonstrate love and the affection of loving a person to be the best thing ever, and in that moment of watching you want to change everything about you and your self in order to add up to the female , to have what she has, to feel what she feels ,to see what she see’s. What do you do with the tears that it brings ? How do you coup ? Is crying and having that feeling of remorse wrong ?
I wanted this one person so bad I would’ve done anything and everything for him. That’s horrible right. I don’t understand why I was still their entertaining him , giving him the feeling that I was still going to be their to use me for his temporary contentment of a feeling that wasn’t even real. How many times I cried and wanted to change myself and lose weight in order to make him stay and want me as bad as I wanted him. All for him to stay to be there to change him to be the better version of himself and not the person that doesn’t care and talks to everyone. You can never change a person no matter what ever. They have to want to change themselves in order for their to be something real that real spark of light and love. I did my all honestly, my absolute all but it was hard and humiliating. How is there a promise made and you break it? How is something so magical and addicting one day.
Was it even like that on that one day or was it just to hook me to want to be there to be a addition to your list ? As I went on there was arguments that mentally destroyed me because of his temper and the rumors there were so many in the present and in the past, but I had put it aside and wanted to be under the impression of what he had showed me and let me see the physical and emotional light of him to unravel himself to me as him. I wanted to have something different that only I could see, and know it was real. I tried to put it aside to pick the good things out and use them to have my feels for. I hurt myself in this process knowing that he was talking to other females because I didn’t satisfy him with the sexual ease of what he wanted due to him being used to it.
I didn’t believe in pictures and the pleasure of certain things as he did. It made me feel uncomfortable and it was unnatural almost as if he forced me to but I still didn’t no matter what. As a girl brought up in a family of self respect and self worth. It got him mad and upset and it made me feel as if he didn’t respect me and my wishes as that is a red flag to let myself know leave ,stop, it’s bad, caution it was as if a cliff was in the front of me and I jumped , I had a choice to escape but I didn’t. Having people as close to him telling me things and after trying to get my affection and attention only made me want to be with him more to know that I was loyal, and I wouldn’t feed into it, and hurt him. I guess he beat me to it as he did he never texted me back after my favorite holiday that symbolized the new year a fresh start. It seemed better and more peaceful in my head as I played it out, but it was nothing as I imagined and pictured. He finally realized he was wrong he really did I guess, apologizing as he did and informing me the absolute obvious that I deserve better and I’m one in a million and all the fluff to make it sincere and valid to make me feel better to have closer. I was destroyed and mentally confused and in a daze as though I didn’t understand what had happened because it was over truly done with never to text speak or think about this person ever again because he didn’t want to have that thought of me. He didn’t want to he just didn’t. It just didn't make any type of sense to me how a person in general with a heart and knowing the feeling of pain could say such a thing as if it was so easy as if it was breathing. So simple light and easy effortlessly I tried to make myself feel better as if it was for the best, and it was truly but it just didn’t feel like it. I cried for days and hours almost every moment of my day. But even now I still could never wrap my finger around what it was that had me so hurt, and crying, and interrogating myself.
I wanted to love this person and he didn't want to love me back, made no obvious effort at that, and I cried and made myself miserable because I wanted him. The pain that I made myself feel and have showed mentally and physically it wasn’t good. I should've just got over it and use the pain to make myself better and know what to look for in a person to so called find this Love. I got myself together as time went by still thought about him but not as much just to think about him to wonder if he did about me. The thought of wondering killed me honestly I wanted know. The mystery is what kept me going. As I then seen him, it was like wind had rammed me and took out every single speck of wind that I had endure out of me and left me shocked and I didn’t know what to do or feel. I simply acted normal not putting myself under the impression to let him know that I had felt a type of way.
Spending hours with him was amusing honestly the feels came back, I restrained them so I wouldn’t let anything happen. Seeing him had the pupils in my eyes dilated, and made my eyes greener, and light up almost as if he had gave me life. I was confused how could you know you hurt someone, and after want to be their friend, and want all of their attention. Literally, all of it to the point that others around wouldn’t get to have a conversation no longer than 2 minutes. Was that a sign for me to know that he stilled like me or was it just a way of him saying I'm sorry or just him being flirtatious. I needed answers but at the same time I didn’t. The way he looked at me, and glanced to see my facial expressions at certain moments was reassuring that there was still little magic their.
As us was a mystery and enhancing, same way I felt when I had left. I showed no remorse or love just one simple look back that was intense. Felt good to have him wanted to think about me and to have him stand there just thinking to wonder,to have memories, to have the feeling. That feeling of being stuck because you don’t know what to do you’re lost like a recurring memory. That was my revenge not to talk bad about him like others or smack him. To have the common sense that he had done something wrong. Just that look was my revenge ,my happiness that was going to soon happen, my love. I felt so empowered at that moment because then he would understand that I would leave and not have a heart for him but I still did and do. There will forever just be that little spark that would always lead me back to him, to think about him, to have love, to have a piece of me that he will always have.
Love isn’t supposed to feel like this but why does it then , was this the wrong love was it the love that everyone feared, and I went through it or was it a sign that we where young and didn’t know what to do. Was it not the right kind of love or feeling that he wanted or was it my imagination fading off to what I wanted and what I wanted to feel because it wasn’t real. I wanted something that didn’t want me why you may ask I have no clue if I did I wouldn’t be here thinking about it and writing about it if I did. Being me I thought I would’ve got what I wanted. The right love and affection that I wanted because everyone would want to be in his place and be with me as they call it. To many people I was a beautiful individual, different stood out like a pearl in the ocean. My features are different from others to the extreme , green eyes that would catch the attention of anyone it see’s it grabs you and gets you lost see’s into your soul, fair skinned with the most velvet sensation, hair light almost goddess like with curls of silk almost as a creation of the gods.
As I prospered the beauty and pleasure the mystery of me physically and mentally drawn people into the feel, the love, and affection to understand me. Beauty is so called pain, so beauty is a curse. To be with an individual makes them stand out, and shine like the sun when entering a room because they have what everyone wants. The power and glam is enriching makes you want the attention for people to knowest, and ask questions, and want to get involved to want the feel that he had. He got the feel of love and feeling, but was it really recognized or was it just the feeling he thought he felt to make himself look good to his friends. I shouldn’t care or even worry at this point because it’s overdone with. But I can’t help but just to wonder that why the pain comes back and haunts me it, will never go away? It’s a curse as I believe almost like the fallen angels that could never find the love of a person. Was that who I was a fallen angel with a sealed of Love , could it ever reach me, find a way to be real. Would I just imagine it and have the hope?
When getting caught up in yourself, in what you want. How do you know what is real? How do you know what to feel? Should their always just be this fear of pain so you hold back. How do you know when you found the right one? What feeling is there ? What sign is shown?
Until it happens , I guess you just know.
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