Ode To Pain

A friend of mine asked me to post a poem and I was reminded of my ex, so here is a depressing poem about the past. This has too many words to be a song by Taylor Swift.

Further I decend into your loving embrace
To feel no pain, to feel your love
Yet, I come to no avail
Further I decend into the future
With you in my arms
The pain is still evident
When you whisper lies in my ear
A never ending pain is what I feel
Breathless and shaken
My soul is for the taking
While you play me for all my worth
Further I decend into the darkness
Without a whole heart
I barely make a sound
There is no one around
To help me embrace the light
I have yet to win this fight
Further I sink
In my own internal doom
I love you and yet I hate you
For burying me in this despair
That I will never recover
Mi amore

Author's Note

This may have sucked, but go ahead and tell me what you thought about it.

Reviews

[Satis]

So, this poem doesn't suck at all. The emotion you're trying to convey comes across well; I understand the tearing of pain born of loving someone who doesn't respect that love/doesn't reciprocate it. My biggest criticism is that there are moments that feel either repetitive, or unnecessary. My personal opinion in poetry is that every single word needs to be there for its own distinct reason; it's the single malt whiskey of writing, distilled to perfection.

I think that the poem could be split into paragraphs, especially with the refrain, "Further I descend…"; it would help to make sense of where the reader is in the story you're trying to tell. Despite the title of the poem, the word "pain" comes up a little too often; perhaps a substitute here or there - "agony", "torture", "ache", etc. - could be used. There is also a point where there is suddenly an odd rhyme scheme: "sound/around" and "light/fight"; the rest of the poem doesn't fit with this.

These are minor points; the poem as a unit is solid, fluent and colorful (dark colors though they may be). It's painted with abstract pastels, which fits its style. I appreciate you inviting me to review it; it was a pleasure to read, and I'll be looking forward to more from you!

[Lena M. P.]

Poetry is writing from the soul. It is an outlet for who we are and how we feel. Personally, I don't find myself writing what I think people want to read. Instead I write for the everyday things that excite, amuse, hurt, or speak to me. It is my outlet. You poem is good. It speaks from the heart and your feelings are deep and evident.

[passionberry]

I think this is a great poem never doubt your own writing I feel the same at times but one told me that everyone isn't going to approve its not what they think its what you think and feel. Be passionate when its something you care for that will make the pen in your hand create feelings onto paper. Your paper is just paper until u put ur masterpiece of life on to it.😊 Keep writing.

[Savannah2456]

Thanks everyone for your reviews. Athereal, thank you for the poem, and I fully intend on keeping it. I'm not really depressed anymore about my ex, but I am merely frustrated. I don't let that get me down anymore. Theseare just some feelings I felt in the past. Y'all have an amazing vocabulary, so keep talking. I enjoy the formality of English from time to time.

[h d e rushin]

first of all, a poem, any poem is part of a greater continuum, part of a coherent whole as a collection
of values and varying elements, good and bad. Nothing in that collection ever sucks. The affection of
it is never it's prejudice towards it.

This is a love poem, and if so, you are in the right place. Some of the finest writers of love poems
on this planet come to write here. This is lovely and personal. My suggestion is that you not only
tell us of your torment or the despair of it, but also the affiance, the solemn promise of your
recovery...The fact that you can overcome heartbreak gives the love poem symmetrical balance.

You're good Savannah2456. But don't stop here. You have far too much more to say.

dana

[Cody Williams]

A great poem Savannah! It absolutely doesn't suck! Thanks for sending me the read request!

-CW

[Fernando Dardón]

what!?? this poems does not sucks!! Actually i'ts great!!! I love the melodic way you wrote each verse. I can notice the "hopeless hope" to feel a true love. I can notice the fighting between a surrended
I loved this part:

"There is no one around
To help me embrace the light
I have yet to win this fight "

I feel the struggle of a surrendered heart, that hopes somehow find the light

[Aethereal]

This poem expresses what all too many of us get caught up in through our naivety. Here’s a tiny gift poem for you to keep as your own:

Sinking

Quicksand of honey:
Sinking in despair.
Isn’t it funny
what love makes us bear?

[Erench]

A lot of people can relate to this. You expressed your feelings very well my friend. Hope things get better for ya.

[Child of God]

this is very well done, I think everyone can relate to this and your words tell more than one story great job kido