Truth be told, the poem started out wonderfully. Unfortunately, it lost its flow halfway through. You started out with a wonderful way of rhyming, but, for some reason, you started playing around with the writing scheme. I don't mean to be harsh (only helpful), but the skewed rhyming scheme really ruined the poem for me. I think you should revise a few parts, which I will point out.
This didn't make sense.
"Passing a mirror
She's unrecognizable.
She never knew
He was so despicable."
You threw me off from the rhyming scheme here:
"She waits and she waits
For the thing she now hates.
Heart broken for love,
Holding to the place above."
As a side note, I DID finish reading this. I think if you tweaked these two stanzas, you would be set.
parables for an age... true BUT - always a but when its gray in a black and white world... few thngs are as simple as they seem. This one has good thought, valid and understandable...but the rhythm stumbles a little here and there. Poetry is an audible art... and a pace is a good thing.
Truth be told, the poem started out wonderfully. Unfortunately, it lost its flow halfway through. You started out with a wonderful way of rhyming, but, for some reason, you started playing around with the writing scheme. I don't mean to be harsh (only helpful), but the skewed rhyming scheme really ruined the poem for me. I think you should revise a few parts, which I will point out.
This didn't make sense.
"Passing a mirror
She's unrecognizable.
She never knew
He was so despicable."
You threw me off from the rhyming scheme here:
"She waits and she waits
For the thing she now hates.
Heart broken for love,
Holding to the place above."
As a side note, I DID finish reading this. I think if you tweaked these two stanzas, you would be set.
What'd became so wrong. -- It'd flow better if you put 'become' instead of 'became'. Just a suggestion.
What'd she done wrong. -- Would also help the flow if you put 'What she'd done wrong' instead of 'what'd she'. Another suggestion. :P
He was so dispisable -- despisable** ((Even though the word doesn't really exist... The word that it should be is despicable, but I don't think its a big thing to worry about.))
Very thought provoking. I liked this one very much, it was clear and strong. Especially the last part:
The wind is fierce
And the strong is gone.
She fell to the ground
Where it all went wrong
That part was amazing. I liked your use of repetition as well. Used correctly it can be a great instrument in poetry. Just remember that it can also be a double-edged sword, so be careful of how you use it, though you used it well here. Congratulations on a job well done. Knew you could pull it off. :P
Hey. I'm Vannah. I suppose it'd be a bit redundant to say I like reading and writing, but I'll put it on here anyway.
I also like making new friends. (:
I'm fifteen years old, but I've got a lot of.. more..