I wonder seeing my quivering heart... it's naughty, it's flippant, but ain't it class apart? I pamper thou with all my love... as u giggle & chuckle & coil deep in my bough I'm your strong rib & will contain you within, caressing your leap delicately as life blossoms therein....
I love the line 'Im your strong rib and will contain you within' Satya. Did you mean to refer to the Christian teachings that woman was born of man when God took out his rib and made woman from it (the reason given why women have one more rib than men). If you did it was genius - if not then you may have been channeling inter-spirituality when you wrote this without knowing it !!
Brilliantly worded and cheekyily playful.
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
WoW!I'm so glad that you shared this interpretation....no,I was not aware of this Christian interpre.. read moreWoW!I'm so glad that you shared this interpretation....no,I was not aware of this Christian interpretation Anto..I meant that a woman is the strong rib who protects the man who is like a leaping heart,playful& throbing... Thanks for the appreciation & this prized visit...looking forward to share more.. :-)
Well, considering we've already chatted, I'm pleasantly relieved to find I really enjoy your work, lol.
OK, first, let me take a moment to say that I'm glad you choose titles with personalities. I scanned through some of your other titles before clicking on this one, and there's not a single one that's without some kind of charm to it. Considering the title is the very first thing a reader sees about your work, it's important to have a good one. So nice job there.
I'm not a huge fan of poetry in general - it's too easy to get wrong and often leaves me feeling nothing. When it's done right, though, it can be amazing. One of my favorite works by any writer ever happens to be a poem: "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes. It tells me a story and leaves me feeling emotional... devastated, but emotional, lol. A poem has to evoke something from me, for me to enjoy it. Which yours does.
I love the playfulness of your words here. It helps make your poem relatable. It also helps to pull your reader in quickly, which you absolutely need to do when you write a short piece like this. I think this is either a skill you have or you don't, and you seem to have it.
Now, as I've already admitted I don't normally read a ton of poetry, take everything I say here with a grain of salt, lol.
The first line, I feel like you either need a pause after "I wonder," or maybe to add "at" after it. "I wonder at seeing my quivering heart..."
"But ain't it class apart?" -- I LOVE this line, especially your use of "ain't" here. It just adds to the playfulness of the piece. My only recommendation would be to add "a" in there. "But ain't it a class apart?"
"I pamper thou with all my love..." I think this is honestly just a personal preference, but "thou" had me pausing. The rest of the poem has such a modern feel to it that "thou" felt out of place to me.
And "caressing your leap delicately," I wasn't sure what you were going for with "leap." This could be on me, though. I fully admit I might be missing something on this one.
But minus a (very) few little things here and there, I truly love this piece. I felt like it was a declaration... but what I loved most about it was that it feels like it's one both to the subject and about the writer. "I wonder seeing my quivering heart...
it's naughty,
it's flippant,
but ain't it class apart?"
It's like saying-- I love myself, and because of that I'm able to pamper you with all my heart.
The message of this piece is perfect, and I couldn't have loved it more.
I think that phrase is really beautiful and explains a really deep sort of connection, more of a universal love. In other words, its not the kind of attraction one would have if they wanted a one night stand. It is the kind of love that makes a person write: "I pamper thou with all my love..." You're filling the space of the heart with a positive attitude, and light. This poem is the development of that affection in motion. I'm glad that I read it.
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
Christian, you can really take a dip into my poems...I love the way you express it & co-relate with .. read moreChristian, you can really take a dip into my poems...I love the way you express it & co-relate with it...it feels awesome to have a friend like you who's so empathetic...Thanks for absorbing it so thoroughly..
I liked your poem , its simple sweet yet very refined ....you have playfully used words in a very nice manner ....the words "caressing" and "naughty" metaphors gives a savory flavor to the poem
Good one Keep it up !
Thanks for share
Love,
Tuvi
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
Thanks a lot Tuvi for this affectionate and comprehensive review !! It cheered me & encouraged me wr.. read moreThanks a lot Tuvi for this affectionate and comprehensive review !! It cheered me & encouraged me write better...
Lots of love,Shweta.
I loved this poem on so many different levels Shweta...
playful and erotic in a carefree, loving way...
the "caressing" innuendoes and "naughty" metaphors gives
this beautiful write new meaning to the adage, big things come in small packages.
Style and form allows it to flow and meander nicely around your point...love IS a many "splendid" thing.
keep up the good work...
allen
btw...loved the picture and the title...
Posted 11 Years Ago
11 Years Ago
Allen,my dear friend & wonderful poet you inspire & encourage me in so many ways!! thank you for bei.. read moreAllen,my dear friend & wonderful poet you inspire & encourage me in so many ways!! thank you for being there...
Daniel you are a loving soul indeed hence you could feel & co-relate with the emotion..Thanks for th.. read moreDaniel you are a loving soul indeed hence you could feel & co-relate with the emotion..Thanks for the appreciation :)