Heartache and Pain ..

At first I woke up with a weird feeling ..

Put on a pair of jeans and a jacket and left the house ..

If I stayed one more second I think I should have fell down and cried my heart out ..

I left .. drove my car .. turned on the radio ..

And without even noticing my tears rushed down my face ..

And I started crying with that painful breathe that you take while you cry ..

As I was driving to meet a friend I came close to my destination ..

So I started to wipe my tears with my hands ..as if nothing happened ..

We talked , had coffee and I head home ..

She told me to hang on , stay strong and move on ..

Hhhhhh …

Easy said than done..

Everyone says that as if it’s like a chore or a task that we have to do ..

Well, no ! I aint doing it ! I will give myself the time I want to grief and not force my heart to move on unless It is completely ready .. and right now it isn’t ..

Got home .. put my hoodie on .. tucked myself in bed .. wait .. I still have your jumper ..with your smell on it .. oh my gosh .. what will I do ?!!? I have to return it back !! oh no ..

I stay home a bit and realize that I can't stay inside the house for a second cause every time I just sit in my room or enter my house every single memory of you pops up in my head !

I just can't handle this anymore .. I decide to put a pair of shoes on and leave the house ..

I get the car keys and leave the house ..

I turn my car on , radio on .. and without noticing again my heart starts screaming !!

And I start crying so loud that my hands are holding on so tight on the steering wheel they want to punch it from anger and pain..

I start driving with tears filling my eyes .. I never cried like this in my life …only when I fell off a swing when I was 10 .. but that was different .. it was less painful ..

This time was the most painful .. actually I've never experienced pain like this in my life ..

Its pain with anger with hurt with loss with so many mixed emotions and feelings that want to explode out of my poor heart ..

I start to drive with tears rushing down my face .. as if every street reminds me of you ..

The clouds in the sky .. the stars at night ..

Everything!! you are everywhere I go ! 

 you're like my ghost haunting me everywhere I go..

I found myself in front one of my good friend's house .. started to wipe away all those tears ..but they were so much I kept wiping them off as hard as I can ..

Went down , looked horrible .. without even any energy to talk or walk .. I just wanted to be around noise , 

around people , not in my house , not in my car , not anywhere alone ..

I sat down with her for a while , left home ..

Watched TV , then went to bed .. couldn't sleep at all ..

Woke up the next day and I felt like my soul was gone ..

I felt like a total different person living inside my body ..

Didn't feel like eating breakfast  or lunch , not even washing my face ..

Just felt like staying in bed and thinking about all the plans we had together .. and everything

Then a thought crossed my mind ..

They say : " If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were. "

You never came back . .. nor called .. or even sent a message ..nothing at all ..

So, you never really loved me ? or cared about me ? so , it was all a waste of time and energy and pain and suffering to my heart .. that’s all it was .!?!?

You're so cold that you don't have an inch of mercy in your heart !!

I was in my room crying on the pillow ..how could you do this to my heart ?! how could you !?

My mom came and dragged me out of bed .. "you can't stay like this" ! she said ..

You need to move on , live your life ! be happy ! you deserve to be happy !

Got dressed , left the house .. and came back  feeling a little better ..

But , sleeping was something my body lacked and hasn't experienced in a while .. I'd stay up all night..Talking back and forth to my heart ..

I feel so exhausted , tired and no longer alive ..

I can't think , talk , walk , or do anything .. I smile but just to try to feel a bit of happiness cause I even forgot how it feels to be happy ..

 

I don't know how or when or what my heart needs to feel better or heal faster ..

But all I can do now is try to fight the pain .. try to survive ..

And try to move on ..

Reviews

[Frieda P]

I like how you juxtaposed your falling off the swing and that physical pain to the pain of falling in love, an emotional turmoil, and talking to your heart resonated within me....yes, we do, all we can do when love is no longer viable...healing is a slow, torturous process through any loss, but we do move on, like it or not....well said Sasha.

[Sasha]

Absolutely Frieda..
Thank you for your comment ! :)

[joshua sky]

Heart-wrenching narrative! It makes me want to track down the b*****d that did that to you, and deal out some pain of my on their person! What's interesting though, is this individual referenced here probably doesn't even realize the pain inflicted. I know this to be true. This is a perfect description of the spiky orb that is love...

[Sasha]

lol Joshua I wish you can track him down ! Thank you hun :)
I appreciate your feedback =D

[one sky]

"If you love someone, set him free. If he comes back, he is yours. If he doesn't he never was." I believe in that. Sometimes it's not yet time. If it's not yet ready for today, maybe tomorrow.
But when it doesn't meant to be, there's no way to get out of pain but to move on. Somehow, He didn't give us what we don't deserve...

Keep going.

[Sasha]

Thank you .. :)
I am trying ..

[Sami Khalil]

Touching to the core...You write splendidly as it is...Bravo...................

[Sasha]

Thank you Sami !

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)...................

[00000000000000000000000..]

Smilessssssssss this was breathless:) I felt a tear of pain and joy:) This is very special and you made it awesome:)

[Sasha]

Thanks ! Glad you liked it !

[0000000000000000000000000000]

I loved it and want to store it but I cant the video hides it from doin:(