august 23rd, 2009

recovery is a slow process; finding a cure is an even slower one. my mission to escape negativity, the mission that i started two years ago, is, i feel, almost over. there isn't much room to expand into anymore. however, from my mission that has almost come to an end, a new mission, my quest to prevent negativity, has spawned. this mission is going to be much harder, and it is unlikely that i will ever complete it. but that's ok. this mission can be the rest of my life. i know that the jist of this mission isn't possible, but if i can cut out some negativity, i will definitely take that risk. i would give almost anything to live in a world where i felt no interior pain, didn't criticize or doubt myself, and didn't panic. i know that world doesn't exist, but i still strive to find it, or something like it. i just want to be able to walk through a crowd without getting nervous and look in a mirror without finding a fault and not lie in my bed all night and worry. i want to be able to eat when i'm hungry and talk on the phone without stuttering and find some genuine, wonderful people, and i want to do all of these things independent of pills. i want to be able to leave my safety net and survive in the real world. i know it's childish, but i want it. i want security. i want independence. i want peace.

 

cutting out the danger is one of the most liberating things in the world, especially because it brings hope for escape. my best example of this is tennis. recently, especially over the last year, tennis has been a very negative outlet for me. it wasn't even an outlet, because instead of letting things out, i let more bad things come in. the monster would triumph when i played tennis. i had created an equation that determined my degree of failure and abode by it faithfully. so many misses meant that i wasn't progressing. i was digressing, and the monster took full advantage of this. panic, tears, anxiety, things stayed the same. one day it became too much for me, and an epiphanic thought crossed my mind:

"you know, you don't have to do this."

so i quit. this was too weeks ago.
pills are the only other thing that have made me feel so free.