august 18, 2009

August 18, 2009

In order for you to understand my present, I feel that you need to know exactly how I operated in the past. So I found one of my journals from 10^th grade and decided to post a few entries in here.

 

• January 4, 2008. Oh I remember something. I am perpetually alone. And I can’t walk all over the place and pretend to do things at break or whatever. But I feel like absolutely nobody even wants to know me. Ah, it really sucks. But it’s not fair, why do they get so admired and wanted? I don’t really know. Maybe, maybe all they have is each other.
• January 15, 2009. Oh my, I am going to die. I hate being this hungry. What is up with my eyes? I feel like how I felt that time I drank vault in health, that one time..And Coach Shelby was all like, are you ok? Well, no, Coach Shelby, I’m not ok.
• January 21, 2008. So today, I woke up, and there was no way I could fall back asleep, so I started just…thinking. And then I got worried about friends so I switched to schoolwork, then tennis, and I realized something HORRIBLE: I was Cycling, I’m turning into Craig Gilner. So then, I worried about that for a while, and I realized that all I ever do is worry. And then I feel HORRIBLE, and nobody believes me. I kinda woke up into a nightmare. You know what’s funny? I fear fear, I fear worrying, I fear sadness, I only fear feelings, not just the outcomes. I fear not making the team and feeling horribly, but I also fear making the team and playing horribly. I have become such a mess.
• April 21, 2008. I think I’m done with you, and I feel very f*****g REJECTED, LIKE, YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN GET LIKE 624,395 DIFFERENT COMBINATIONS OF ICE CREAM AND TOPPINGS AT MARBLE SLAB? That’s the amount of rejection combinations there are for me.
• May 5, 2008:  So I’m glad that I’ve never let people in, because they all turn out to be asses. The human race has to be God’s biggest regret, I’m absolutely sure. I hate people more and more and more and more every single pathetic day I have to walk on this corrupted earth.