august 12th, 2009

Most of my regrets involve trusting others. I regret trusting people with my emotions so casually during my first two weeks at Harvard. I regret trusting the psychiatrists I met at the infirmary. I regret trusting my school counselors.  I regret trusting almost everyone. Trusting people leads to bad things. It led to my stint in the infirmary, it led to emotional deterioration, and it led to the growth of a negative reputation. My trust issues are a repetitive problem because when I’m horribly upset, I get clingy and tell people things, and I do that because I crave sympathy. And although I regret trusting others, I find myself doing it a lot. My thought process is something like, I should trust people because trusting people is a healthy, normal thing. If I trust people, I will be healthy. In some cases, such as venting to friends, trusting is good. However, in cases that I’m more likely to experience, such as trusting adults, I make lots of mistakes. When I trust adults, s**t hits the fan. Adults begin to watch me more carefully, whatever I say gets around quickly, and people are different around me.