august 8th, 2009

August 8^th, 2009

Perhaps this will be on the first page of my book. Perhaps “perhaps” will be the first word that people read. Perhaps I’ll actually keep up with this project, and perhaps this book will actually exist.

 

I’ve been a little off today. I drove to Walgreen’s to buy the notebook that I intend to tape everything in and get my most recent roll of film developed, and I came across the realization that driving still really scares me. I’m in this huge machine that’s so capable of killing people, and I can hardly control myself, let alone the responsibility that comes with driving. I remember that one time that I drove around with Daddy the day after Christmas, and I was in that Kroger parking lot on Zebulon and I just started freaking out and had to let him get behind the wheel. I just froze and couldn’t pick a way to turn, so I swerved to the right like how I wanted to run away on Sophomore orientation day and Daddy started hounding on me for not turning my blinker on, but I couldn’t pay attention because I was too busy shaking on the inside. I’m afraid that something like that will happen while I’m driving alone, in a place where I can’t escape so easily, like a highway or a city I don’t know so well. Thinking about it makes me want to carve a hole into my stomach. My center of gravity. And some people think that Franklin Roosevelt quote, “there is nothing to fear but fear itself” is stupid, but it really isn’t. I fear situations where I am or can be afraid more than anything.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

I have to tell myself that every day.

 

 

***                  ***                  ***

 

1) I feel like somebody thought it would be a f*****g fantastic idea to press the pause button and point it at my life so that I can’t get past this funk.

 

2) I think nothing would make me happier than a life without the monster. I want to see that monster get out of my system, even if she is all in my head.

 

3) Old pictures make me happier than anything in the world at this instant.

 

 

 

 

I lived alone for four weeks. The authority made me live by myself and cast me into a state of oppression. I made a mistake in trusting people with my feelings, and the authority made a mistake in overreacting. She found me on the stairwell crying. It wasn’t that big of a deal, it wasn’t even that bad. All I did was cry, and they locked me up and made everything so awkward. I had only two visitors at the hospital, and they were pretty obligatory visitors. The others lied to me. Everybody lied to me, actually. They said don’t worry, everything will be ok, nothing is wrong and you’ll be fine. We just want to ask you a few questions and then you can go back and have a great 4^th of July. We promise. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine…

 

I had never been so alone in my life, not even in the twisted landscapes I placed myself in two years before that happened. And it was worse this time, because it was real. There was no way to comfort myself because this was not in my head. It felt like Purgatory. Where would I end up? Georgia, which I was stupid enough to consider Hell at the time, or Massachusetts? Was it possible for things to go back to normal? Would everything really go back to normal?

 

…and it was all just a big lie. Nothing was ok anymore, and nothing would be okay for nearly five weeks.

I don’t want to talk about this right now.

 

Reviews

[WayOath]

Wow, I don't know how to analyze this because it is all so random but I do love the beginning where you go off on this parade of "yea that's going to be the first word people read" Ha ha, that was funny. Your writing is amazing. Im gonnna try and find out what this is about...See ya on the next chapter!