Infirmary

my worst story yet.

 

 

 

 

Infirmary.

 

Saturday

I might have walked straight into hell last night.

I just had to mention that I wasn’t feeling well. So they brought me here, and the doctor didn’t want to send me home. “We just want to keep you overnight to see how you do,” she told me; “we’ll let you out in the morning, so don’t be worried.” And do you know what happened? The doctor lied to me, that’s what happened. I don’t know when I’m going to be let out of here. They insisted on keeping me from the outside world, so here I sit on this stupid hospital bed with three pens and a book of crossword puzzles. You can tell that I’ve been here, though. The two pale blue chairs in front of me are covered in dirty clothes, used towels, and my other belongings. This stupid hospital table's got my bottle of peach tea (the tea just isn't right here) and the leftovers of the au bon pain food that I bought last night. The macaroni is still in the paper bag, barely touched. There’s a concept map that I drew earlier there, too. It’s much neater than I expected it to be, honestly. I’ve already managed to break the TV so that it only plays static, with no white noise that can sing me to sleep. It was on all night long, watching over me maybe. It’s like a horror movie, that TV. This room makes me uncomfortable. I feel like a baby boy in here- almost everything is light blue. The walls, the chairs, the blankets, almost everything. I suppose it's for keeping the patients calm, but I don't really like it. I hate it, actually. The static from the TV is almost the same color, which is even more discerning. The nurses say I’ve got a nice view up here, but I haven't even looked out the window. I can’t look out the window while I’m trapped in here, and they’re crazy if they think that I’m going to. The outside world is taunting me today, and

I suppose it will tomorrow, too. I looked out the window. It’s a beautiful day, and I see houses and nice brick buildings and people walking down the street. They’re so blessed. They’re all happy and busy out there, celebrating. Happy Fourth of July to you, too. I’m supposed to be out there. I should be celebrating the Fourth of July in Boston, not sitting here in a boring infirmary. I was looking forward to this weekend so much, and I ruined it. I just had to ruin it. Happy Fourth of July? More like sappy Fourth of July. Way to go, Sarra, you ruined your Fourth of July weekend. I am so proud of you. You could have be out there right now, you know, but you had to blow it.

I think I might have to close the shutters now.

 

I caught a glimpse of the fireworks through the window at the end of the hallway. I wish I could have gone to see them. That’s what I should be doing right now. They’re playing them on TV now. It really hurts, sitting here and watching people smiling and living and laughing, especially when I should be one of those people. I should be on that TV screen.
I can't watch this anymore.

 

Sunday

 

I am waking up today with some hope and ambition, and hopefully my lucky streak hasn't timed out yet. Today is monumentally crucial. I’ve got to get out of here as soon as possible, and I need to prove that I’m recovering. Think positively. Be collected. Don’t let anything get to you. I just need to prepare myself.  I’ve got to give this situation everything that I have. Things have to work. They have to. I don’t know what I’ll do if they don’t work out.

 

I met another patient last night. Well, I saw him. He was lying on a stretcher in the hallway when I went to ask the nurse for a peanut butter sandwich. I wonder what happened to him. He looked like he needed to be here. He was in trouble, at least. But if he's still around, then I have a friend, or something like it. I’ve been alone for too long now.

24 hours until I get out of here.

 

Naturally, today has been very boring, and the hours have passed by so slowly. There is absolutely nothing to do here. The computer is too slow to tolerate, there’s nothing on TV, I’ve almost filled up that book of crossword puzzles, and nobody is coming to visit me. Noon might never come tomorrow. I wish that time would go by faster, though, because then I can get out of here. They say that I can go back to class then and everything will be normal again, and I hope that these b******s keep their promise. Right now is very still. The sun is making its way westward, so there isn't much natural light in here. The fluorescent light above my bed is on, though, and it makes the room look pretty photogenic. I wish I had a guest to photograph, or even just a guest. It just gets so goddamn lonely in here. I miss being outside. I’m starting to forget what sunshine feels like. I want to be in the world that I see through the window, the happy, carefree world, complete with sunshine and hot dogs. I just don’t want to be here. I miss the real world. The people here say that there’s nothing wrong with being here. Where I am is normal for so many people here. It isn’t that big of a deal, they say. Everything will be fine once you get out. You’ll be fine, and you’ll never have to come back here again. Bullshit. They’re all against me, they’re all liars. They need to stop being so complacent about this situation. Where I am isn’t life, it’s tyranny. It’s having to obey rules that don’t correctly apply to this situation. And most of all, it’s bullshit.

And let me tell you, I’m sick of bullshit.