Vomit

Partly about love, partly about arguing, and mostly about anxiety.

I wanted your attention �" I just didn’t want to work for it. And why should I have made an effort? You hadn’t made any effort for me.

I realized yet again that you would never put me before them. There would be no occasion that would ever prove otherwise. And it made me jealous. And that’s when my stomach lurched.

I retreated silently. Nobody needed to know that I was about to vomit. But no, you found me with my head over the toilet. And you wanted to talk, but you sounded so forceful, so I was frightened and sat on the wall of the bathtub and cried.

I trudged behind you to the other room so we could get our armistice over with. You sat on a chair, and that offended and terrified me. If we were going to resolve things, then wouldn’t you want to sit with me on the couch? Or were you even interested in resolving things?

You only seemed interested in arguing. Every statement I made became an attack, and I had to raise my voice to defend myself. I feared things were only going to get worse, and then you started mentioning things I didn’t want to hear anything about.

This time, I actually had to vomit.

I rushed away and locked the bathroom door behind me, jerked my head over the toilet, breathing, gagging, and crying. The doorknob turned fruitlessly�" you wanted in, and even though I wanted to be alone, I unlocked the door so we would have one less thing to bicker about.

“You’re really going to throw up, aren’t you?”

“I’m a pro at throwing up,” I stammered, tightening my ponytail. “A few years ago I threw up so much I lost twenty pounds. I don’t need help.”

Fruit Roll-Ups and anxiety and exhaustion came out. I felt your hand on my neck. I felt your hand in my hair. Perhaps pity overshadowed your frustration. Perhaps you realized how much of a mess I was. I hadn’t eaten much that day. I had been stressed for weeks. I was sick. I can’t remember everything I told you. But I do know you felt sorry for me, and that verification of your concern was enough for me.

I wouldn’t have to delete my drafts or erase my memories from my archives. I wouldn’t have to dedicate the next weeks, months, even years, to efforts to remove any positive association with you, and ideally, I wouldn’t have to worry about doing so for a while. You did care about me, and I was too exhausted and tattered to do anything but rest my head on your shoulder as we sat on the porch swing. If we had twenty minutes left to be together, I didn’t want them to be characterized by hostility.

I hated myself for being so submissive, for whimpering on your chest, for allowing myself to fall in love with you yet again when I vowed I would break up with you hours before. I was trapped yet again, and worse than that, I had knowingly set it up and pranced straight into it.

But what could I do? I loved your heartbeat and the crest by your shoulder and the way you smelled. And it would be six weeks until I could know those things again. Six weeks of shuddering, staggered heartbeats. Six weeks of comparing every guy I met to you. Six weeks of associating every object with you �" cigarettes and backpacks, art and chicken.

“You’ve got to relax more.”

“I just can’t ever tell if you like me… and it drives me crazy.” �" I’ll admit that I worry about stupid things.

“I like you.”

I don’t know why I always doubted that you cared about me �" probably because you weren’t affectionate. We sat on opposing ends of the emotional spectrum, really. My entire sanctity depended on emotion, while the only emotion that escaped from you was anger. Rage that made you want to teach somebody a lesson. Rage that made you last against people who grew up differently from you. In all the time we had spent together, I only heard you cry once, back in October. It crunched my heart. You only touched me when we slept, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was simply out of habit. An arm that had become used to cradling after resting over throngs of women �" at least that’s how I saw it. Even when I was most intimate with you, I felt like an archetype.

Or was I? Did I even inspire you, or was I just blank? I was in love with the darkness that threatened my sanity.

But this moment provided some light. My cheek migrated to your chest. More whimpers emerged freely: tears of exhaustion, of gratitude, of the loneliness that was destined to arrive.

“I’m really going to miss you.” I couldn’t hide that truth any longer.

“I’ll miss you too.” I wasn’t expecting that. “It’s only six weeks. Try to have fun and find yourself. Just don’t sleep with any Austrians.” You were jealous. That was cute. It also meant you were nervous. So I wasn’t crazy. What a wonderful thing to know.

An interjection: “I think you leaving will be good for both of you. What is it they say? Being away….”

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” I muttered automatically. I knew that was true. Absence also leaves room for doubt to invade and allows anxiety to infect me.

I thought if I clung to you I could regain my composure. After a straight week of psychological chaos, I needed something positive to take to Europe.

Collin arrived. I stood up.

“Wait a few minutes. I’ll give you my space drawing.”

I followed you inside and watched you finish your drawing. You scribbled in the corner:

SPACE 4 LYFE.

You handed it to me and I received it gingerly. I didn’t want to mess something so precious up.

“Take this too:” your bandanna. I clutched it. I slept with that thing every damn night, too.

You walked me to Collin’s car. The window was rolled down on the passenger side. The two of you exchanged greetings. I started crying again.

Parting tore me up. I flattened myself against you and couldn’t let go. Then you couldn’t, and that made me more upset.

“You’re the one who tastes like you vomited.”

“Yeah,” you said as I sat down. “I don’t want you making yourself throw up.”

I smiled through my tears. 

Reviews

[little_honey]

I really love this piece and feel like I can relate to it a lot, it's very well written - but your man is right, you wouldn't want to sleep with any Austrians - been there, done that, not worth the hassle. Can't wait to read more of you!

[ODMK {Oliver D.M King]]

wow this was such a great read! I loved it, really! I could almost see myself in the room watch this it was written so vividly! Wonderful! I look forward to seeing more of your stuff! kudos