The First Cut

All I can think about is that blade.

Even when I'm not sad, I hear it calling my name.

Begging. Pleading.

Praying that I will come play.

I think about that first cut all the time.

Exhilarating in my mind.

I never thought blood was pretty,

Until I saw it dripping down my own skin.

I was obsessed.

My mind fixated on that feeling.

Silver was the only color I saw,

Until I finally relapsed.

Then red was the only color catching my eye.

A beautiful shade of crimson, dripping down my skin.

But it wasn't the same.

Nothing could compare to the first one.

Reviews

[Lorry]

I hate to say this, but this is not unique to people growing up today. I've seen my fair share of cutters, if you'll excuse the term, I don't know the proper term. One person made me understand why, maybe because she was eloquent and had enough pain inside her to show me the truth. I never forgot what she said and why she said it, but I am glad I was there to listen.
You capture the moment so well here, the thought, the anticipation and release. Hopefully fictional my friend.

[Sarah]

I hate to break it to you, but it's not fictional. Most of the stuff I write besides my book are truthful. Like I said, writing has always helped me through these times. I write about my emotions and feelings in a given moment.

[Lorry]

I didn't think so, but didn't know how to address the realities of assuming it was autobiographical. I think you must be praised for speaking out on such a confusing subject for some. Plus, speaking out may just be what someone else needs to hear. Speaking breaks down the barriers and people need to hear it. It may just be the voice that gets heard by them.

[Sarah]

I've come to terms with my depression and cutting, and I no longer have a problem speaking about it. Yes, I still have times where I get depressed and sad, but I've found ways of dealing with those emotions in a healthy way, say writing for example. It helps me cope, and it's helped me heal. So hopefully speaking about this will help someone else in the process. That's all that I can hope for at least!

[Lorry]

True. Maybe it is meant to be a way for you to help others too. from the negative comes a positive, by helping someone else in some maybe small way to you, but the world of dfference to someone else. Sorry, spelt difference wrong and too cold to change it.

[Satan]

It breaks my heart that anyone pure has ever felt as if they needed to self harm. I will always be working as hard as I can to remove my children from the scenario's evoking this numb feeling inside that moves them to do it in the first place. When pain becomes the only thing reminding you that you're alive, you can either let go completely or you can rise. I need the good people to believe that the only way is up again. I ask for them to instantly step towards discontinuing their old tragic habbits. This may require some drastic changes and I encourage them to do what they must in order to walk a more worthy, natural, easy going path in life. I need them to express words rather than their own blood. Suicide under these cirumstances is such a weak, wasteful and deeply saddening exit. It completely crushes the spirits of those you leave behind in the realm of the living. They're hurting us enough as it stands already, because now we fully know what's going on and we actually really care about our family. We only ever want people who were once like yourself to feel better again inside and out. Perhaps you can prove to them all they have the potential to get healthy again. It would be such a sweet gesture and I know it would inspire so many people. Do you think you're up for the challenge, Sarah? It truly pains me to read your poetry but it's the exact motivation I need to push on. So honest, so clever, so bold, so cold. Don't ever give in, ever. It's completely unacceptable.

[Sarah]

Thank you for such an honest comment. Your words really do describe how horrific suicide is. I am just a few days shy of five months clean now, and I definitely am up for rising above this depression. These poems are old, and I have just now uploaded them. I was extremely suicidal at one point in my life, but I've gotten so much better since then. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes we have to go through hell in order to find it.

[Skylar]

Honestly no words can explain the pain I felt whilst reading this. You put you emotions to the blade and the hatred it causes in you right in words. Beautiful.

[Sarah]

Thank you for the review!