The First Cut

All I can think about is that blade.

Even when I'm not sad, I hear it calling my name.

Begging. Pleading.

Praying that I will come play.

I think about that first cut all the time.

Exhilarating in my mind.

I never thought blood was pretty,

Until I saw it dripping down my own skin.

I was obsessed.

My mind fixated on that feeling.

Silver was the only color I saw,

Until I finally relapsed.

Then red was the only color catching my eye.

A beautiful shade of crimson, dripping down my skin.

But it wasn't the same.

Nothing could compare to the first one.

Reviews

[Lorry]

I hate to say this, but this is not unique to people growing up today. I've seen my fair share of cutters, if you'll excuse the term, I don't know the proper term. One person made me understand why, maybe because she was eloquent and had enough pain inside her to show me the truth. I never forgot what she said and why she said it, but I am glad I was there to listen.
You capture the moment so well here, the thought, the anticipation and release. Hopefully fictional my friend.

[Sarah]

I hate to break it to you, but it's not fictional. Most of the stuff I write besides my book are truthful. Like I said, writing has always helped me through these times. I write about my emotions and feelings in a given moment.

[Lorry]

I didn't think so, but didn't know how to address the realities of assuming it was autobiographical. I think you must be praised for speaking out on such a confusing subject for some. Plus, speaking out may just be what someone else needs to hear. Speaking breaks down the barriers and people need to hear it. It may just be the voice that gets heard by them.

[Sarah]

I've come to terms with my depression and cutting, and I no longer have a problem speaking about it. Yes, I still have times where I get depressed and sad, but I've found ways of dealing with those emotions in a healthy way, say writing for example. It helps me cope, and it's helped me heal. So hopefully speaking about this will help someone else in the process. That's all that I can hope for at least!

[Lorry]

True. Maybe it is meant to be a way for you to help others too. from the negative comes a positive, by helping someone else in some maybe small way to you, but the world of dfference to someone else. Sorry, spelt difference wrong and too cold to change it.

[Rebecca]

good poem. you could go into the narrator of the poem's reasons.

[Coyote Poetry]

Amazing use of description and your words create visions of cut and blood.
"Then red was the only color catching my eye.
A beautiful shade of crimson, dripping down my skin."
The last lines are true. First cut is the deepest. Thank you Sarah for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Rusteangi Ruba]

make ours mind to move in a positive way

[barleygirl]

I have never done this, but I've been suicidally depressed half my life, so I understand the feelings behind it very much. I like the way you have written this seemingly without discussing very much how it actually FEELS in a physical sense, but mostly focusing on how it LOOKS (I like the contrast between silver & red . . . your use of color is especially well done). This topic seems to be written about a fair amount on this website . . . but your message is one that I like the most becuz of the way you've simplified it.

[Sarah]

Thank you for the review! Appreciate it!

[Papaya]

Like the first kiss, we never forget how it felt. Eventually the thrill fades.
Dark one, I've never but I know someone...

[Sarah]

Thanks for the review! It really does stay with you forever.

[Mara]

Great piece, i can relate
really like this line ' Even when I'm not sad, I hear it calling my name.'

[Sarah]

Thanks for the review!

[Inject Positivity]

It is sad, but I know how it feels to be there, I have encountered those days with my own life... It may sound wrong to others but being in that situation the blade seems to be the best thing that could relief our pain... You have so powerfully expressed the feeling, the first cut is both the worst and the most relief giving... I felt the emotions of the poet... I hope you'll never have to go through this again...

Sincerely
Dhiman

[Sarah]

Thank you for the review!

[night]

i agree to what you said, it is common but i also agree that this poem is really deep and kinda eye opening to anyone that dont understand the pain that some go threw

[Sarah]

Thanks for the review! I'm glad it's eye-opening. I'm really just trying to share my emotions and maybe help other understand what it felt like. Also, try to get rid of the stigma surrounding cutting.

[night]

i agree there is a stigma around it, and yes with poems like this you may help get rid of it

[Christopher Miller]

It's interesting how comparable to other vices this is, in that the first time leaves such an imprint. Drug users and sex addicts both are often trying to recreate, or recapture those first experiences. And what it comes down to is the sudden chemical change, the endorphins released.
With it being so close, you'd think it would be more widely understood, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I think it's improving, at least.
And as with the other vices, it is not an end but a means. Hopefully, as the addiction becomes more widely understood by those who don't have it, those who do have it will come to understand there are other ways to pursue those ends.

[Sarah]

I definitely agree with you. It took me a while to realize I wasn't ever going to feel what I felt the first time and I was doing nothing but destroying my body. But now, I'm 5 months clean and hopefully never going to go down that road again.

[wordman]

razor blade serenade,never did understand the thrill of cutting your self

[Sarah]

Not many people do understand. I feel as though it requires personal experience to be fully understood. Don't try it at home, though!

[wordman]

lol,i wont..and don`t you either