Chapter 14

Chapter 14

I sat inside my car in the hospital parking lot for a couple hours. I couldn’t go home because I didn’t want to see my mother. I couldn’t go to my beach because it just reminded me of Noah, and I certainly couldn’t go see Noah. I couldn’t do that to Caleb again. I had already hurt him too many times. Instead, I watched cars come into the hospital, I watched cars leave. All throughout the night.

I reached into my purse and pulled out the cross. The one Caleb had said I could keep the first time I had met him. I held the little thing in my hand and traced along the sides of it. I inhaled slowly, thinking about what I had done, and exhaled. All of the times I had let Caleb down. All of the memories I had shattered. He won’t even be able to think about me without getting choked up. I knew what I needed to do. I knew where I needed to go. I put the key into the ignition, shifted the gear into drive, and drove off into the night.

I pulled up in front of the church, looking up towards the cross mounted on the top of the building. It was the same church my grandmother had taken me to when I was younger, and the same one where I had fallen in love with Caleb. Just looking at the whole place was intimidating as I tried to steady my breathing. In and out, I repeated to myself over and over again.

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine I was still at the hospital with Caleb. Staring into his perfect eyes. Capturing the moment as though it was before all of this madness happened. I could hear the voices of the doctors speaking just outside the room, and the crying of a newborn baby who had just been born. I heard the joyous screams of a man who had been cleared of cancer, and the tragic screams of a mother who had just been told her son hadn’t made it. Whether it was for a good reason or a bad, it was comforting to know that there were people all around. The power of human connection is a wicked thing. My mind cleared quickly and my breathing finally steadied. It was easy to imagine I was at the hospital, even here. That’s the thing that hospitals and churches both have in common. No matter what time, no matter what day. Rain, snow, clouds, sunshine. It didn’t matter. Whether it’s a hundred people frantically trying to save lives, or one praying alone, there’s always someone there.

The doors were heavy, but I managed to open one and slip inside. The lights were dimmed low, but there were candles lit near the alter. I wasn’t sure exactly what to do. It had been forever since I had sat in one of these pews. I sat in the back row like I did when I came to see Caleb. I held the cross in the palm of my hand and formed a fist around it, enclosing it. I stared up towards the front row to where Caleb had sat. In my mind, I could still see him singing the hymns. I could still hear that voice. The one that gained its confidence when surrounded by these four walls. I smiled, thinking about how magical it was watching him that day, but my smile soon faded when I remembered him turning around. I hadn’t realized it then, but he had already known. At that moment in church, he had known that my lips, the ones he used to kiss, had been pressed up against Noah’s, the one who had caused him nothing but trouble.

Thinking about it all now, I couldn’t believe I ever chose Noah over Caleb. Why had I done that? Up until about a week or so ago, Noah had been nothing but a friend, and I was in love with Caleb. But now, everything had changed. I wasn’t sure who I loved anymore. I sat in that pew wondering if it was possible to love two people equally as much.

I shook my head at myself. I had been a fool this past week. I had deceived two different guys who both offered me unconditional love. And what could I offer them both? A heart split down the middle for each of them. It wasn’t fair to either of them, and I knew that. I just didn’t know what to do. I swear to God I loved Caleb. He had made me believe that I was worthy of something more than I was. He had motivated me, he had pushed me out of my comfort zones, and he had challenged me to become a better version of myself. But I swear, I loved Noah too. He had been there since the beginning. Since Alex. He had loved me unconditionally and never pressured me into anything I didn’t want to do. He was patient and sweet with me, and although he made mistakes in the past with Alex, I knew he would never hurt me. I realized there was no way I could choose either of them. I just couldn’t possibly pick one over the other. How could I do that to either of them? This was just so unfair.

I sat alone in the pew watching the flickering of the candles at the front of the alter. The gold tint stretching its body outward. Reaching, and reaching but cannot escape. Trapped in a hurl of fire, wanting so desperately to branch out. To burn everything in its path but cannot. Instead it glimmers in the same two inch radius. That little flicker, that spark, has the power to destroy us all, but as long as it’s contained, it cannot hurt us.

I thought about what would happen if I deliberately set the church on fire. How long it would take for the whole place to burn down. I mean, all of the pews were made of wood, the floor was made of wood, the alter was made of wood. It couldn’t take more than a few minutes for the entire room to be bursting with flames.

I thought about it for a moment and then shook my head. A chuckle escape my lips, and I thought about how ridiculous I was being. But was I? It would certainly be an easy way out. An easy way of permanently avoiding my mother. An easy way of permanently avoiding the confliction set in my heart. But that’s exactly why I couldn’t do it. Suicide was permanent. A permanent resolution to a not so permanent predicament. I breathed in slowly, and exhaled trying to avoid that thought again.

I needed to get out of here. Just like hospitals, I couldn’t stand churches either. Too much false hope portrayed within their walls. Just as I stood up to leave, I noticed the shadow of a figure behind me. Standing near the entrance with his hands together against his stomach.  I wasn’t sure who it was at first, but as he started walking in my direction, I made out his complexion.

“Mr. Kepner?” I asked confused. “What are you doing here?” He looked at me, probably wondering the exact same thing. I knew he was upset with me, but he didn’t show it. As much as he had probably wanted to scream at me, he didn’t. He couldn’t. Not here. Not in the house of God.

He shrugged his shoulders and sighed. “Couldn’t sleep,” he said, approaching the pew I was in. I sat back down and slid over to make room for him, and he sat down slowly. Cautiously, it seemed. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

What was I doing here? I wondered to myself. I flipped the cross back and forth between my hands, shaking my head. “I don’t know,” I responded. I was here because of Caleb, but I wasn’t sure exactly what I was looking to get out of being here. I guess, I wanted to see if I could experience what he experienced when he came here every Sunday.

“What’s that?” asked Mr. Kepner, referring to the cross in my hand.

“Oh, this?” I said, looking up at him. “Caleb gave it to me a really long time ago.”

“Can I see it?” he asked hopefully. I nodded and handed him the cross. He held it in the palm of his right hand and lifted it towards his face, examining it. He flipped it onto the back and traced the engraving outlined at the bottom. Caleb’s initials. He looked like he had wanted to say something, but he stopped himself. I watched him intently, wondering what he was thinking about.

“I gave this necklace to Caleb,” he started, “on his tenth birthday.” I put my hands together in front of me and stared at my thumbs. The purple nail polish had chipped away to nearly nothing. “It was originally a necklace,” he said, holding the relic between his thumb and his index finger. “He wore it everywhere,” he continued, smiling. His eyes were still on the cross as he traced the outline of the sides like I had liked to do. He sighed, before continuing. “My nephew, Matthew, died a year later,” he said, looking up towards the alter. His eyes were glued to the cross at the front of the church. “Cancer,” he said softly. I watched him. His movement, his eyes. I had never known that. Caleb had never told me about his cousin dying.

“Mr. Kepner,” I started. “I’m so sorry.” He nodded, accepting my dearest condolences but knowing it wouldn’t change a thing. He swallowed hard and looked at me.

“Matthew and Caleb were inseparable,” he said smiling. “They did everything together.”

I looked at him. His eyes beginning to water as he bit his lip. He shut his eyes for a moment, fighting back the tears. “The day Matthew died, Caleb changed,” he said. “He didn’t want to go to church anymore, he didn’t want to play outside anymore. He hardly ate. He hardly slept. His mother and I, we didn’t know what to do.”

My eyes shifted away from his, looking back at the flame at the front of the church. Caleb had never told me about any of this. Mr. Kepner held the cross up, staring at it. “I found the necklace, shattered in his room one day,” he said. “Said he hated God and wanted to die.” His voice shook and a tear fell from his left eye despite trying to hold back the tears. Quickly he wiped his cheek with his sleeve and regained his strength. “His mother and I sent him to counseling.” He smiled again and looked into my eyes. “That seemed to do the trick,” he said. “He was back in church a few weeks later. Started eating again, playing with his friends again.” He paused for a moment before continuing. “He seemed to be much better, but there was still something off.” He sighed a sigh of relief. “Until he met you,” he whispered, almost inaudible. I looked at him, raising my eyebrows. I thought of something to say, but I couldn’t formulate the right words in my head. “I hadn’t even known that he kept this,” he said, twirling the little cross between his fingers. I stared at it, watching him play with the thing.

“Caleb never told me that,” I said, watching him again. He nodded as if he already knew.

“Caleb’s always been a quiet kid,” he said. This time I nodded. That was one of the things I had always liked about Caleb. He didn’t feel the need to always be the one talking like Noah did. He didn’t always need to be the star or the center of attention. He was perfectly content with being himself. Sometimes in a world full of other people, it’s easy to be anyone but yourself. It’s easy to wear a mask and trick everyone else into thinking that you’re something that you’re not. It’s easy to pretend to be someone that everyone else wants to be. One of the hardest things in life is to see past all of your tiny imperfections and flaws and truly be happy with who you are and makes you special. Caleb was always so good at that, and I was jealous. He was never anything but himself, and I truly admired that.

Mr. Kepner reached over and placed the cross back into my hand, but I couldn’t take it. It wouldn’t be right. This was a gift from father to son, and it had no business being in my possession. “Mr. Kepner,” I said, looking up at him. “I can’t take this.”

“He gave it to you, Charlie,” he said. “There must be a reason.” I nodded and accepted the cross in my right hand. I turned it over and traced the initials on the back. Somehow, thoughts of Noah entered my mind. I thought about that first kiss. How his body felt pressed up against mine. How I could still taste the minty gum on my tongue. And all while these thoughts were floating around in my brain, I was sitting here in a church with the father of the boy I had so deeply deceived. It was all so wrong. Noah and I were never meant to be together. Mistake was an understatement. A mistake is forgetting to pick up your clothes at the dry cleaners. This had been intentional. I knew what I was doing. I couldn’t blame it on being drunk this time. I knew this would hurt Caleb. I knew this would risk my chances of ever being with him again. This wasn’t a mistake. It was completely immoral, and I regretted every second of it. Every touch, every word, every kiss that ever grazed my lips. None of it was supposed to happen, yet it did.

“I love Caleb,” I said looking at him. I could see the fire building in his eyes as he attempted to refrain from showing his emotions. He didn’t believe me, I could tell, but he sat there still, giving me a chance to say what I needed to say. “I knew he was special ever since I first laid eyes on him. Sitting in my chair in detention,” I said remembering. “A copy of�"”

“Catch-22,” he said, finishing my sentence. “It was his favorite book. He brought that thing everywhere.” I nodded.

“I skimmed through it a few times,” I said, “but I never got the chance to read it.”

“You should sometime,” he said. We sat there in silence for a minute or two before Mr. Kepner grabbed the back of the pew in front of him. “I think I’m going to go home, and get some rest. Big day tomorow,” he said.

“What’s tomorrow?” I asked, uncertain.

“Caleb comes home,” he said smiling. And despite the smile, his voice was hoarse and this was the first time I had realized just how tired he must have been. Staying up night after night worrying about his son. His only real reason for living in this cruel, cruel world. This week must have been a living hell for him. He stood up, pausing before he walked out of the pew. “Would you like a ride home?” he asked kindly.

I shook my head. “No thanks,” I said. There was something else I needed to do before I left.

“Don’t be too late,” he replied before turning and walking towards the exit. I heard the door of the church shut and watched the flickering of the candle. So soothing, it could’ve lulled me to sleep. I waited a couple minutes after Mr. Kepner had gone to speak.

“God,” I whispered, bowing my head. My words stumbled out awkwardly, but I knew I needed to do this. I took in a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. “I don’t know if you’re really up there in heaven, or whatever,” I mumbled, “but if you are, please, pretty please, forgive me.” I looked at the ceiling, watching the fan twirl in endless circles. The blades creating an illusion of many more inside my head. “I know I messed up, and I don’t know if what I have done is forgivable, but if there is any grace in your heart, know that I promise to never hurt Caleb like this again.” I swallowed, and waited. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was waiting for. Maybe a sign that He would forgive me. I stared at the flame burning in the front of the church. Maybe a sign not to kill myself tonight. What I have done is hideous. I have hurt someone who would’ve taken a bullet for me. I was pathetic, and Caleb deserved so much better, but if there was a chance he would forgive me for this unimaginable sin, I knew I would do everything in my power to keep him. To earn back his trust, and to never hurt him the way I had again.

And as the clutter of thoughts inside my head roamed around from one side of my brain to the other, the orange tinted flame went out, filling the front of the church with complete darkness. My mind stopped racing for a moment to observe the incident happening before me. The smoke danced from the wick of the candle upwards in a wave of cloudiness. It was a mesmerizing little dance that left nothing but a little orange speck that soon went out. All that remained was the smell of smoke that began to fill the corners of the church. There was my sign, I thought as I stood up and left the church, the door slamming shut behind me.

Reviews

[Christopher Miller]

Finally, the cross is back! I was waiting for it. I enjoyed this much more than the last chapter. It feels like the story's back on track. It seems Caleb is meant to be a more sympathetic character than he appears to me. As I said, I've dealt with too many car accident victims. Perhaps if the accident were caused by distraction, rather than reckless endangerment. Caleb could be looking at Charlie and miss a red light. Or he could be so distracted by an image in his mind it's 'like' he doesn't even see a stop sign Charlie's trying to warn him about. A moment of inattention is a lot more relatable than what still strikes me as a deadly temper tantrum.
My favorite part was when Charlotte mentions wanting to see if she could experience what Caleb experienced as he went to church. I have been exactly there. I've spent a lot of time meditating on it.

[Sarah]

Thank you for the review. I'm still trying to think out the logistics of the crash in my head, but I'm glad you enjoyed the scene with the cross and the church. A memorable one, indeed.

[Rebecca]

very powerful chapter. I loved the church scene and the imagery of the candle - could be more of that. more dialogue with Caleb's father. really good narrative voice. Ideas: you could describe the church more (i.e. maybe stained glass windows, hard brown pews,etc.). best chapter yet so far.

[Lorry]

A chapter of contradictions for Charlotte in this chapter. It begins with sounding pretty selfish, only thinking about her love and how it is affecting her, which we are all guilty of, but ends with the caring side of her, feeling awkward in taking back the necklace from his father and seeing it from the point of view of the other people involved. It felt like two characters, but don't we all when it comes to love :)

[Sarah]

Thank you for the review!

[Mifa]

This chapter should be titled "Inner Monologue". I really enjoyed this chapter. The sense of reflection is captivating in its simplicity. Good one, Sarah.