Chapter 13

Chapter 13

My legs trembled the entire drive over there. Noah’s hand rested in its usual place on my inner thigh, but even his gentle touch couldn’t calm my nerves. I was anxious. I’m not even sure why. Noah turned on the radio to one of his favorite stations, but even the music couldn’t distract me from thoughts of my mother.

They had been overflowing my brain for the past hour while I showered at Noah’s house and got dressed in the same clothes I had worn the day before. A maroon tank top and a pair of blue jean shorts. I had sat on the edge of Noah’s bed, waiting for him to get out of the shower while the thoughts whirled around in my head. I physically couldn’t stand that woman, but Noah was right. She had never been given a real chance. She must have cared a little bit about me if she had written to me. If she was willing to drop everything to come and see me. Maybe she had changed.

Noah walked into the room, interrupting my worries. He was wearing only a towel wrapped around his lower body. This had never phased me before. I had seen Noah like this, but it never meant anything. At least not to me. He went over to the mirror and began fixing his hair. I watched him like I had always watched him. Nothing between us. Just friends. I watched him walk over to the dresser and suddenly remove the towel. A reminder that we weren’t friends anymore, but lovers. Something I had seen from the other night, but I wasn’t accustomed to. My cheeks became flushed and I looked away. I knew then that I wouldn’t ever be able to look at him as just a friend again.

Together, we walked to his car, still parked by the beach from the night before. I wondered if he had remembered the whole night, or if it was fuzzy. I wanted to know, but now wasn’t the time to ask. I needed to focus on my mother. She was the one I needed to face at the moment. No one else.

When we finally reached the front of the Kepners’ residence, my hands were sweating and my heartbeat had quickened. I was incredibly nervous. What was I going to say to her when I saw her? What would she say to me? The same questions that had been circling around my brain for the past hour were still popping through my head. I unbuckled my seatbelt, and stared at the house. White siding and trimmed bushes. A bird feeder hanging from the tree and minivan sitting out front. A house that belonged to suburbia on some different street, in a different town, far far away. Noah’s hand released its grip from my thigh, and reached my neck. His fingers glided across my jawbone and tilted my chin away from the window and towards him. He eyes looked worried, but his voice sounded reassuring. “You’re going to be just fine,” he said, kissing my lips softly with his own. Just a gentle motion connecting our bodies for only a moment before separating again. I licked my lips and closed my eyes, trying to focus on my breathing. “Look at me,” he commanded. His voice was rough this time, but certain. I opened my eyes staring into the blue crevices of his own. “I love you,” he said tenderly, brushing the back of his hand against my cheek. His eyes still appeared concerned, but his body was relaxed, which relaxed me.

“I love you too,” I whispered before I had time to think about how I really felt about him. Now was certainly not the time.

“Call me if you need anything,” he said.

“I will,” I responded, shutting the door. I stood there for a moment as Noah drove off. Usually he would watch me to make sure I got inside safely, but he knew I needed to be alone.

I made my way up to the front door and pulled my keys out from inside my purse. I fiddled with them for a moment, trying to stall. I had no idea what I was going to say to my mother when I saw her. I prodded open the door, and walked inside. The house was quiet, and I wasn’t sure anyone was home.

“Hello?”  I shouted, closing the door behind me.

“Charlie?” It was her. I had only heard her speak two words, but I couldn’t forget her voice. Over the past few days I had already replayed those words in my head a thousand times. My baby, my baby. I thought if I heard those words again, I was going to throw up.

“Yeah, I’m in here,” I said. My words came out calmer than I had expected and I figured I my voice would remain steady as long as I didn’t see her face. But that thought was short lived as she appeared at the end of the hallway connecting the door to the kitchen.

“Charlie,” she said again. Seeing her face made me cringe at the sound of my name. I hated hearing her say it. She didn’t deserve to say it. “Come, uh, sit down,” she sputtered. I nodded and walked over to the table. She sat down first, and I sat directly across from her. I needed to keep my space. In case anything happened, I could always run out the door.

We sat there for several minutes without saying a word. Occasionally we’d make eye contact, but I always broke it as soon as it happened. I hated having her eyes on me. Watching me. I glanced at her wrists a few times and still saw the scars. I looked down at my own wrist. Is that how my wrist was going to look in eighteen years? I bit my tongue.

“So, how are you?” she asked finally. Really? She had eighteen years to think of something to say, and that’s the best she could come up with? How was I? I was seeing my mother. Talking to her for the first time in eighteen years. Trying with all of my might not to rip her tiny little blonde curls out of her head.

“Fine,” I responded through my teeth. My eyes narrowed, and I glared at her.

Silence.  

“Charlie, I am really sorry,” she said apologetically. I shook my head at her. This was long overdue, and those words didn’t mean anything to me anymore. She was sorry? She must not have been too sorry if she abandoned me the way she did. “I was going through a lot at the time,” she continued. “I couldn’t handle the pressure of raising a child. Not by myself.”

By herself? What did she mean by herself? My father was there. He always was. How could she be so selfish? He did nothing but care for her. He worked every goddamn day of his life for her. He always chose her despite what everyone else thought. She was never going to have to do it by herself.

“What are you talking about?” I asked sternly.

“Vinnie was going to leave me,” she convinced. “He was. He really was.”  Her voice sounded frightened. Like she still feared the thought of being alone. I realized then that she hadn’t changed. She never could have. She was still the same selfish person she was eighteen years ago, and the same selfish person she’ll be eighteen years from now. He never would’ve left me. My mother? Yes. But me, he wouldn’t dare.

I whipped the chair back and stood up from the table. “You’re a liar,” I yelled, refusing to break eye contact. My heart was beating through my chest, but I refused to look away. She needed to see my eyes on her as I called her out for what she truly is. “You’re nothing but a pathetic excuse for a mother,” I continued. She bit her lip, trying to refrain from saying something. But I didn’t care what she had to say anymore. I never cared. The only reason I was here was for Noah and that was a mistake. I was enraged. I never should’ve listened to him.

“Charlie, things were complicated,” she said. “Vinnie�"”

“Don’t you say a word about him.”

“Charlie, I�"”

“Listen to me,” I screamed. That shut her up. She sat still across the table staring at me. She shifted in her chair, looking rather uncomfortable. I put my hands to my head and began pacing back and forth trying to gather my thoughts. I had never imagined that this day would take place. I never believed that I would be standing five feet away from my mother. “You ruined my life,” I said calmly. “You left me to die.” Sweat dripped down my forehead but the rest of my body felt cold. She said nothing. Just watched my lips move. I wasn’t sure if she was even listening to the words I was saying. I sighed. “You are the reason my father is dead.” Again, she didn’t say a word, but this time she glanced down. Twiddled her thumbs in her hands. She looked as though she wanted to say something, but she couldn’t get herself to do it. “What?” I nearly screamed.

Her eyes popped up, startled at the tone of my voice. She swallowed hard and scratched at the side of her head. Her lips parted, but then they clasped together again. I laughed, watching her every move. Pathetic, I thought. “Can’t even say a word, can you?” I said mockingly. I let out a little chuckle, and turned, walking towards the door. She had no place in my life, and if she thinks she does, she is a goddamn fool. Nothing but a lying, selfish b***h. She could go to hell for all I cared.

               

                                 …

I drove around for a couple of hours. I didn’t know where to go. I could’ve gone back to the beach, but it would’ve reminded me too much of Noah and I didn’t want to speak with him right now. He was the one that made me talk to my mother. And I know he had good intentions, but it was nothing but a mistake. A tragic mistake.

I drove past all of the familiar landmarks marking my childhood. I drove past the library containing hundreds of books, each with its own unique story. I took reading for granted as a kid. I drove past the community pool watching the flopping bodies splash their way through the water. Parents finally taking one day off from work to spend time with their children, aching for their attention. I remember wanting to go to the pool as a kid, but my grandmother was too old and there was no one else around to take me. By the looks on those kids’ faces, I sure missed out. I drove past the elementary school that stood on the corner of Lark and Madison. Due to the summer months, the lot was vacant. I tried to remember my days there as a child, when life was easy and nothing really mattered.

I drove around into the night, until I was sick of driving. The only place left to go was to the hospital. I needed to go see Caleb.

I had avoided going to see him thus far. I’m not exactly sure why. I was still upset about him nearly killing me, but that wasn’t it. I could live with it if meant knowing he was okay. It was something else. Of course, I was afraid that he would find out that Noah and I had slept together. Maybe his father already told him. But that wasn’t it either. I was mostly afraid of how he’d react to seeing me. Plain old me. The last time we talked, we were fighting. I didn’t want to go down that road again. I didn’t want to fight anymore. Despite all of my fear, I had to see him. I know I’d regret it every single day for the rest of my life if I didn’t go. So, that’s where I went.

I was scared walking back into the hospital because they must’ve known that I had ditched my own hospital bed a few days ago. I tried to avoid the nurses and doctors as much as possible. It was late, and visiting hours were almost over, so I figured Caleb’s parents had already gone home for the night.

“Excuse me,” I said to a nurse sitting behind one of the desks.

“Yes, what can I help you with?” It was the same nurse who had helped me, but she didn’t seem to remember me. I didn’t take it to heart. All through high school, I was easily among the forgotten.

“Is there a Caleb Kepner here?” I asked, realizing how dumb of a question it was as soon as I said it. Of course, he was there. I just needed to know what room he was in.

“Right this way,” she said leading me down the corridor. I followed behind, but not too closely. I know she didn’t remember me, but I still didn’t want to take any chances. I made sure to hide my wrist from her.

His room was at the end of the hall. I breathed slowly, as I stood outside the door behind the nurse. There was a window beside the door and I could see him, lying in bed with his eyes closed. He had a tube running through his nose, for oxygen, I assumed, and a cast on one of his legs. I suppose it must’ve been broken. I wasn’t sure what else was wrong with him, but that’s about all I had to decipher before the nurse burst through the door.

“Caleb?” she said softly. His eyes opened. “You have a visitor.”

“I’m really not up for�"”

“Hi,” I whispered, walking through the door. He stared at me and nodded to the nurse who took the hint and left us to be alone. We stared at one another for the longest time. It had been so long since I had seen his eyes. His chestnut shaded eyes. I had fallen in love with those eyes, and in that moment, I realized how much I had truly missed being with Caleb.

I stood in the doorway, wondering if this was the right decision. I needed to visit him, but he wasn’t even saying anything. I bit my lip and asked, “How are you?” He shook his head and rubbed his eyes with both hands.

“I’m lying in a hospital bed, Charlie,” he said, frustrated. “How do you think I am?”

“I don’t know, Caleb,” I said. My cheeks became flushed, and I was embarrassed. How could I have put this off for so long? I had only made things worse by not seeing him sooner. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you sooner,” I said, ashamed.

He looked away for a moment. His eyes were becoming watered, and I knew I had hurt him. Not just by not coming to visit, but I had hurt him in a way that he didn’t even know yet, and I think that’s what I was most ashamed about.

“Why didn’t you?” he asked confused.

“I don’t know,” I muttered. “I guess I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what?” he asked. I sighed.

“Afraid of how you would react. I didn’t want to fight with you anymore,” I stuttered.

“Fight with me?” he questioned. “Charlie, I woke up not knowing where I was or what had happened. But, you were my first thought. You, Charlie. I needed to know that you were okay.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “I know we were fighting, but that was all in the heat of the moment. I know that you kissed him, but I forgave you,” he said sincerely. I looked at him, not knowing what to say.

He continued. “My parents came rushing through the door in tears. I asked them how you were and my father told me you were just fine, lying in a room nearby.” He sighed, smiling. “I don’t think I had ever been so relieved in my life,” he said.

I looked at him, ashamed of what I had done. I should’ve come to see him before I left the hospital. I should’ve come to see him instead of going to see Alex. I should’ve gone to see him instead of inviting Noah over and making love to him. So many times, I should’ve gone to see him, but I chose not to. I chose everything over his unconditional love. I had hurt him so many times before, and he always forgave me. But this time was different. I hadn’t just cheated on Caleb, I had completely deceived him. Caleb had confessed his love for me, and I did nothing but ignore it. And despite all of it, I still loved Caleb.

“I kept asking the nurses about you,” he continued, “but they always said you were still in bed. I was anxious, hoping you were alright. I had wanted to see you, but the nurses wouldn’t let me. I tried getting up once, but the pain in my leg was unbearable. It’s broken in three places,” he announced. I observed Caleb. His voice wasn’t angry like it was when we were in the car together. It wasn’t frustrated anymore, like it was when I had first walked in. His voice sounded gloomy. Like he had just lost him best friend. And I guess he had. I hadn’t been there for him when he was nearly on his death bed.

I pitied him. This whole thing had been my fault. Ever since the crash, I have done nothing but destroy him, and he doesn’t even know. That’s what’s killing me the most. I know how much it will hurt him to know, but I can’t stand the guilt of not telling him.

“Caleb, I need to tell you something,” I said softly, but he seemed not to hear me.

“I waited for you,” he was saying. “I waited for you to come. I knew you’d be here eventually,” he said. I swallowed hard. “My parents came to visit, my aunts and uncles came to visit, friends from my church group came to visit. Everyone was here,” he said. “Everyone except you.”

“Caleb, I�"”

“At first I thought the nurses were lying to me. That you were worse off than they led me to believe. I yelled, I screamed, I begged for them to let me see you, but they said I couldn’t. I cried, and I cried,” he said blatant. He wanted me to know how much I had hurt him. God if he only knew that there was more. “But then they finally told me that you were gone. That you had left, and were nowhere to be found.” He paused, and I stopped worrying to listen. “I was scared, Charlie. So scared. I didn’t know where you might go or what had happened to you. The only thing I wanted was to see you and make sure you were okay. I would’ve done anything to see you, and it hurts knowing you wouldn’t do the same for me.” A tear rolled down his cheek, and I began to feel the tears forming in the back of my eyes. I hated myself. God, I really hated myself. Caleb had been nothing but good to me, and I ruined it. How could I have done that to him? How could I sleep with Noah?

Before I could even think of another word to say, I blurted it out. “I slept with Noah.” Saying those words made my throat burn. Like I had just downed an entire bottle of Seagram’s.

It shut him up. He didn’t speak another word after that. I can’t even begin to imagine how those words felt in Caleb’s head. Probably like ten thousand needles pricking and pricking at his body while he begged for mercy.

I don’t know why I said it. It’s like I had no control over the words coming out of my mouth. Like the guilt had taken over my vocal cords and couldn’t bear another white lie.

“Caleb, I’m sorry,” I said regretfully. Not that I had said it, but that I had done it. Seeing Caleb here, seeing him broken and bruised and lying in a hospital bed made me realize how much I missed him. The longer I stayed in this room with Caleb, the more I realized Noah was a mistake. “I still love you,” I said softly, looking at him. Deceitful I was, but this was the honest truth.

Caleb didn’t say anything. He looked away and tilted his head back against the bed. He was too still.

“Please say something,” I begged. I couldn’t stand the silence. My legs were starting to feel weak and I thought I might fall to the ground. I needed to hear his voice.

He shook his head for a minute and closed his eyes. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited to hear those words,” he whispered. I swallowed and bit my cheek. “I just never thought that you wouldn’t have meant them.”

“I swear to God, Caleb, I do,” I said, trying to convince him.

“Is that how you show someone you love them?” he nearly screamed. He clenched his fist and his knuckles turned white. “You sleep with someone else?

“Caleb, I�"”

“And with him?” he screamed. “Charlie, you deserve so much better than him,” he said. I didn’t want to listen to those words. Noah was always good to me. Sure he had his faults, but who doesn’t?

“Maybe I should just go,” I said, looking down to the ground.

“I think that’s best,” he replied, looking the other direction. I nodded, and walked out of the room. I screwed up, I know I did. And I hated to admit it, but Noah was a mistake.

Reviews

[Christopher Miller]

In my opinion, her constant vacillating between being in love with Noah and Caleb is getting repetitive. I know life works that works, and it's not irredeemable. What would help is to add something unique to each situation. Make this time she realizes Noah was a mistake different from the last time she realized he was a mistake. It seems in all cases it takes little more than the sight of either of them to make her fall in love with them. What is she learning, as she goes back and forth? We ultimately discover more about ourselves as we explore relationships with others. Tell us what she finds.
I also think the fact that he almost killed her ought to be addressed more. Something about imagining him laying there with a broken leg, relieved that she's alive, and saying "I forgive you for kissing someone" doesn't work for me.
Imagery continues to be very good, I just think we're owed a bit more of what's actually going on in Charlie's mind by now.

[Sarah]

Fair enough. I'll definitely make sure to review this chapter again! Thank you for the review :)

[Rebecca]

Charlie's breakdown is interesting and scary. It feels like she's having a mental breakdown,in love with two guys. what was your purpose when you started writing this novel?

[Lorry]

I can feel the characters struggle (Charlotte's), in the battle of her mind that is in battle between giving her Mother another chance or fleeing, like it must have felt her Mother did to her at such a young age. The inner struggle of wanting to know yet being scared to ask, or even face the woman who has become the enemy to a girl who lived through the history of being second best to the bottle.
Charlie faced her, that is all that matters. She could have hidden away, never waning to know what she thought, but she faced her fears and heard little more than she expected from someone who abandoned their child. But she had the bravery to face her fears and that says so much about the girl abandoned and where she is now in her life, although confused and unsteady, she showed more empathy in doing this than many adults could muster.
I didn't expect the reaction from the meeting with Caleb that played out, but it makes much more impact on the storyline for the rawness to both characters words. It leaves me with the thought that this should be the end of the line for the old Charlie, where decisions are made to change her life to what she wants and needs it to be, but I still have a sneaking suspicion that Caleb will still be around in the final chapter. This was a well accomplished chapter, giving more depth to characters we up until now thought we knew and understood, but it does open the door to many more possibilities on how your tale will play out. Great chapter, great ending...looking forward to the next :)

[Sarah]

Thanks for the review. Guess you'll just have to keep reading to find out!

[Lorry]

I certainly will :)

[Mifa]

Now you're just plain toying with me Sarah. She loves Caleb? for christ's sake let her make up her damn mind. You said you weren't too sure about this chapter, what the hell for? It's great. I enjoyed it and I am certain you are beginning to get a grip of your style. But, I also suspect you may be trying to put in some kinda twist that may come back and bite you or worse ruin the narrative entirely. I'm sure you have a set goal for this story but it's my advice that for once, you should let the story move you instead of the other way around. Don't be too keen on making it right, just write.

This chapter is good, Sarah. Good one dear.

P.s. Now I think I'm starting to hate Charlie.

[Sarah]

Thank you for the kind words! I just wrote this one and the last fairly quickly, so I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted at the time, but I think now it fits in well with the rest of the story!