Chapter 11

Chapter 11

 

My knees were shaking uncontrollably as the rest of my body sat frozen. Noah’s right hand was holding onto the inner part of my left thigh. “Please, relax,” he said, gripping my thigh tighter with his fingertips.

A couple blocks down, when we were away from that godforsaken house, he pulled over to the side of the road and shifted the car into park. In my head it was like déjà vu of the accident with Caleb which only aroused my anxiety even more. I looked over at his worn eyes. He must have been drained. “Tell me what happened,” he said, rubbing my thigh. I looked down at his hand. Flashbacks from the funeral plagued my mind. I remember his hand grazing my thigh as we sat together at the funeral of his girlfriend. Why was his hand on my thigh? Why wasn’t he grieving? And then I remembered the reason. The same reason he had told me as we treacherously kissed above Alex’s grave. I realized in this moment that both of our lives had been nothing other than a deceitful mockery of the ones we loved. And despite how agonizing Noah’s existence had been on me, he was the only one I trusted. The only one I couldn’t stay away from. We bonded in our infidelity.

“Just breathe,” he whispered, refusing to let this torturous anxiety control my mind. I nodded, focusing on inhaling through my nose and exhaling out my mouth. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his pack of mint gum, and handed me a piece. I took it graciously, and popped it into my mouth, tasting the overwhelming sensation of chilled freshness. The gum tasted like ice in my mouth. I chomped on it slowly, focusing only on the up and down motion of my teeth. My breathing calmed to a normal rate and my heart stopped pumping at an unnatural speed.

I reached into my purse and pulled out the picture I kept of my grandmother. Whenever I was having an anxiety attack, I always looked at this picture. Just seeing her smiling face brought me back to simpler times when nothing really mattered. I stared into her green eyes, wishing I could see them again. Just one last time.

I remember when I found her dead under her quilt I stared at her. Her beauty. Her radiance. I should’ve called the police right away, but I didn’t. I just stood in the doorway of her room watching her. Her paintings hung on the wall above her bed. I beheld each one remembering the time she had painted them. I always watched her paint. I loved the way the brush glided across the canvas. I watched each and every stroke until the image was complete.

I walked over to her body, and stroked her hair. At once she might’ve been a blonde, but her hair had faded into a brunette color. Streaks of gray were starting to form at the roots of her head. She was still so young, but just like babies, death comes at the worst times.

I skipped school that day. Went to my usual spot and drank my sorrows away. I still hadn’t called the police. I didn’t want to deal with all of the logistics yet. And honestly, I didn’t want to come back to an empty home.

I drank the better half of a bottle of wine. Blacking out before I finished. Honestly, I don’t remember that day at all, or how I got home. Nothing. And when I woke up the next morning in my bed, the police were at my door, ready to take away the remnants of my grandmother. I’ve never told anyone about that day, and I’m not sure I ever will. It is about the only secret I have left to my name, and I think I deserve something to call my own.

“Charlie?” It was Noah, reminding me where I was. I looked up from the picture into the tiny oceans of his eyes. He looked worried. “Where did you go?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Nowhere,” I said putting the picture back into my purse. I know he wanted to know, but to my luck he let it go.

“Will you please tell me what happened back there?” he asked again, moving his hand from my thigh to my shoulder, grazing my tattoo. Alex. What would she think right now? Her boyfriend was touching me. His hands running all over my smooth skin, grasping it in his fingertips. The same ones that touched her. The same ones that touched the girl he cheated on her with. I thought of his dishonest fingertips teasing the body of a girl he didn’t love. In that moment, I thought I was going to be sick.

“I need a drink,” I said tediously, trying to hold back the vomit. He nodded.

Noah drove to a local gas station, and got out of the car. I tried to keep my head on straight, but too much was going on. I just needed to escape from it all. I waited a few minutes in the air conditioned car, while Noah ran inside to get some alcohol. Both of us had fake ID’s for this exact reason. I watched the cars drive by on the street and chewed on my gum while I waited for his return.

He came back a few minutes later with a case of Bud Light and a bottle of wine. He opened up the back seat of the car, and placed the case on the ground. Next, he got in the driver’s seat and handed me the bottle of wine. “For you,” he said, offering me a smile. I reciprocated but it wasn’t genuine.

We went to the only place I knew to go. The beach. The only people that knew about this place were either dead, in a hospital, or standing before me now, so I knew I wouldn’t be found.

The sand was warmer than I had expected underneath my toes. It was a quarter after noon and the sun prevailed almost directly above us. Blue sky stretched from one edge of the sky to the other, interrupted only by the wild shapes of puffy, white cloud scattered throughout. I sat down in the sand, opening the bottle of wine. I had done this so many times before, it had become sort of routine for me.

I had only told Noah about this place. I never brought him here like I did with Caleb. And I certainly never told him I brought Caleb here. I figured I’d bring him here someday. I just hadn’t reached that someday yet. He sat down beside me, cracking open a can of beer.

After the initial walk with Noah, he invited me to a party at his house the next weekend. I declined, initially, but he insisted. I wasn’t really the type to go to parties, but I agreed. Why shouldn’t I go? I thought. I deserve to have a little fun.

The music was loud. I could hardly hear myself think over the dreadful noise. I glanced at the faces of everyone in that room. Everywhere I looked, someone was smoking a joint or chugging a beer. Some faces I recognized from school, but most were unknown. I couldn’t find Noah for the longest time. I had been wandering through the never-ending crowd of people for almost twenty minutes, and he was still nowhere to be seen. Just as I was considering leaving, I saw him, leaning against the wall with a red cup in his hand. He was talking to some girl, but I didn’t recognize her. I thought she might be older, in college maybe, but I wasn’t sure. Timidly, I drifted towards him and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around immediately, nearly spilling his beer all over me.

“Charlie,” he shouted reaching over, attempting to give me a hug. He was unsteady and his breath smelled like beer, and I wondered how many he had already taken down. “I’m so glad you came,” he said in an attempt to whisper in my ear. Although it wasn’t really a whisper and I think he spit in my ear. I tried to smile, but nothing about this place made me want to smile. “Can I get you something to drink?” he asked. I nodded.

He grabbed my hand and led me into the kitchen. There was a keg outside, but he wanted to be classier than that for me. He handed be a cold beer out of the fridge. Despite the surroundings, it was a sweet gesture, and I accepted. I hadn’t drank much before that night. The most I ever had was a sip of champagne. He twisted off the cap of the bottle in one fluid motion and handed it to me.

Before I wasted time debating whether or not I should do it, I took a swig of the drink. It was bitter in my mouth, but that’s what everyone always said the first time they tried beer. I looked back at the girl Noah had been talking to when I first approached him, but she had already moved on to another guy. Noah said something, but I couldn’t hear him over the music.

“What?” I asked, looking at him confused.

“I asked if you were enjoying yourself,” he said louder. I nodded and smiled. Enjoying myself wasn’t exactly what was going on, but I was starting to enjoy being around Noah. No one had ever given me attention like this before. I had friends. Well, acquaintances really. School friends, basically. People I would be civil with in my classes, but I wouldn’t exactly invite them into my house. I was what they called a loner. And I was okay with that. I like spending my time on my own. Gave me a chance to think. To breath. I never socialized much with anyone, and I was always content with that. But now, I was actually being considered, and that was a good feeling, too. A feeling that I didn’t really want to throw away just because I was at some stupid party, with stupid people who I didn’t know, and I didn’t care to know. So, I smiled to satisfy him.

We talked for a while. I don’t really remember about what. I was more concerned with trying to force beer down my throat than actually listening to what he was saying. After about two and a half beers, I was already starting to feel different. Buzzed, I guess they would call it. The room started spinning and the music was becoming drowned out. The room felt hot, and I kept getting pressed up against the limbs of people I did not know. “Can we go outside?” I asked.

“Sure,” he replied, grabbing my hand again, and leading me out of the room. Normally, I would’ve thought it odd to be holding his hand so soon, but there were so many people in close proximity, it was the only sure way of not being separated. So right then, I didn’t mind.

Noah took me to the deck out back. There were a couple people out there talking, but it was much quieter than inside the house. And a hell of a lot cooler. It was nearing the end of October. The days were becoming shorter and the nights drastically longer. I looked up to the sky, eyeing the North Star, like I usually did. My grandmother used to point it out to me when I was little and tell me how each and every star was an angel protecting me. The North Star is the only star perfectly aligned with earth’s axis, so that even when the earth spins and rotates, it never goes out of sight. I liked to think that was my father, watching over me. Things in my life would shift and change, but I knew I was never alone because my father stayed right there, in the center of the sky. I guess that’s why I was always content by myself. In the day time, I had my shadow to follow me around, and when the sun went down and my shadow was consumed by the darkness, the stars would emerge and my father would watch over me until dawn. As long as I could find the North Star, my grandmother had said, you will never be alone.

“You okay?” he asked looking at me. I looked at him, the sun beating down on me. I guess I had been so wrapped up in my thoughts, that I forgotten where I was for a moment.

“Yeah,” I said finally relaxed. I took a sip of wine and placed the bottle in the sand beside me. I stared out at the waves crashing up against the shore. God, it was really something. And despite how often I came out here, the beauty of it all still gave me goosebumps. I knew I’d bring him out here someday. I just hadn’t thought that it would be today.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” I asked smiling at him. He had been looking at me the whole time, his eyes matching the shade of the waves.

“I was thinking the same thing,” he whispered leaning in to peck my lips. They tasted like a rare combination of Bud Light and cinnamon and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

We sat there for a few minutes just admiring the imperfect perfection of the ocean and its natural beauty. I traced my fingers across the warm sand as Noah finished off the last drops of his first beer. He crushed the can in the palm of his hands and reached for another one breaking the silence. “So tell me, Charlie,” he started. “What happened back there at Caleb’s house?”

I really didn’t want to talk about it, but I knew I’d have to tell Noah sooner or later, and I’d rather have him hear it from me as opposed to someone else. I sighed picking up the bottle of wine and taking another sip. Carefully, I placed it upright in its familiar position and cleared my throat. “I saw my mother,” I said softly as though if I said it quietly it wouldn’t make it seem as true. But it was. And no matter how I said it, it still came out like nails on a chalkboard.

“Your mother?” he asked, almost spitting out his guzzle of beer. I nodded, frowning.

“What’s she doing here?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I guess Mr. Kepner called her after the accident.” I picked up a stone in the sand and held it in the palm of my hand. It was black with a white streak printed on the back. I smoothed over it a few times with my thumb and threw it at the waves. It landed a few feet short of the water, but I figured it’d get swallowed up by the tide eventually.

“Well, what did she say?” he probed further.

“Nothing,” I said. “I ran out of the house before she could say anything.” He put his arm around me. He knew how much I despised my mother. I had told him about her many times before. Even saying her name out loud sent goosebumps down my spine.

“You know, Charlie,” he started. “There’s something you never told me about.” As soon as he said it, I knew what he was talking about. And he’s right. I never told him. I never told anyone for that matter. Just another thing I had wanted to call my own, but I knew he wouldn’t stop until I told him. Noah was always persistent like that. I avoided his gaze for a moment considering if I really wanted to go down this path. Here. Now. I had evaded this conversation for the longest time, but I knew it was inevitable eventually.

“I never knew him,” I started. Noah’s eyes were on me. Listening intently. Watching my mouth. Watching each and every word escaped my lips. “My mother and he eloped to Chicago when she got pregnant with me.” I paused, trying to remember the stories my grandmother had told me. I decided it was best to save them for me. “There isn’t much to tell,” I said, looking down at the sand. “Like I said, I never knew him.”

Noah stared at me, and I stared back. His eyes were like crystals, and they shifted from intrigued to disheartening before I could blink. I wasn’t sure what he had expected me to say. I told him the truth, and that’s that.

“Now it’s your turn.”

“What?” he asked.

“There’s something you never told me about either,” I stated expectantly. He nodded, understanding what I was talking about. He knew he owed me an explanation.

“When you and Caleb started dating, that stung,” he said. “I had always had feelings for you, Charlie, and I thought you had felt something for me too.” He clenched his fist. I knew this was hard for him, so I placed my hand on his thigh. “I stopped seeing you because I didn’t want to see that smile on your face. I couldn’t bear looking at it knowing he was the reason for it,” he said softly. I lifted my hand to his head and combed my fingers through his hair. He took a long sip of beer, and swallowed hard. “I invited you to the cabin because I needed to see you one last time before I decided I was going to move on,” he said swiftly. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he said finally gaping into my eyes. Mine had been glued on his the whole time. “But that weekend only made things worse for me,” he said, looking away. He shook his head. “Stupid of me,” he uttered.

“What?” I asked solemnly.

“Believing you loved me,” he whispered, looking at the ground. I couldn’t formulate the right words in my head, so I didn’t say anything at all. He just scoffed down the rest of that beer and proceeded. “After the night at the cabin,” he continued, “I thought things were going to change.” He chuckled slightly. More of a shameful, self-pitying sneer. “I drove over to Caleb’s house because I needed to tell him. I needed to tell him that I loved you too,” he said. That was the first time he had ever said those words. My heart started beating harder inside my chest. “I told him everything,” he stated. “I told him about getting drunk on the river, carrying you back inside.” He paused for a moment. “The kiss,” he said embarrassed. I looked away.

I hated myself. How could I have done that to Caleb? He had never been anything, but good to me, and I completely destroyed him. And despite all of that, he told me that he was still in love with me. I hurt him in the most inhumane way possible, and he was still willing to take me back. I swear to God, I hated myself.

No one said a word for the longest time. We both just sat there staring out into the water. The purest water to ever trace the edges of the earth.

“Caleb punched me so hard in the face,” he said tenderly, breaking the silence. “I didn’t want to hurt the guy,” he continued, “but he wouldn’t stop.” He closed his eyes, remembering. “I swear to God,” he said, “I didn’t even hit him that hard.” His legs were shaking and his knuckles white. He swallowed hard, and looked at me. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to be mad,” he stated remorsefully. He grabbed my hand in his own and began stroking my fingertips.  

“Why would I be mad?” I asked. “It was my fault anyways. I was the one that kissed you.”

“I know,” he said. “I just"”

His voice trailed off into the rumbling of the waves before us. “You just what?” I asked softly.

“I just didn’t want to hurt you,” he said. I could hear the sorrow in his voice. “I didn’t want to hurt you the way I had hurt Alex.” I bit the inside of my cheek. He knew he had messed up with Alex, and I knew he regretted it. Losing me to would’ve been the ultimate agony, and I couldn’t blame him for keeping his mouth shut this past month.

I leaned over and kissed him on the lips. The taste of cinnamon had faded, but the flavor of beer was becoming more prominent. I nuzzled my head underneath his arm and proceeded to drink my bottle of wine.

Reviews

[Lorry]

I like how Charlie says looking at the picture of her Gran reminds her of the happy times and reduces the panic, I can totally relate to that. I remember the sounds of the Grandfather clock ticking and smells of homemade soup when I think of mine. (Incidentally, I just thought it was my Grandpas clock, I didn’t actually realise that is what they are called)
This chapter has much more of an intimate feel to it, with Charlie opening up about her family and what she doesn’t usually share. It has a nice feel to it, one that probably won’t last, because there must be more mayhem due around soon I think. Always a good sign when the reader finishes a chapter and already has questions about the next. Loving it ths far, great job.

[Sarah]

Thanks for the review! Glad you're enjoying it.

[Rebecca]

could use more imagery and metaphors along with the dialogue to help us get in the character's head. you could make a playlist of songs that would help your characters and listen to it as you write and rewrite. No offense, but this chapter wasn't the best, could use some editing and rewriting. The stuff in it is good, could be written in a stronger way.

[Splatman73]

One thing I liked especially in this chapter is when Charlie gets caught in her mind thinking about the past and she's so deep in that she forgets where she is. I do that all the time. The drama also feels real.

[Christopher Miller]

Charlie says that she never brought Noah to this spot, but isn't this where he comes to see her at the very beginning of the story?
I find myself scrutinizing Charlie's actions more in this chapter. She had kissed him before, 'just to shut him up', and ended up sleeping with him. She decided that was wrong, but here just a bit later she kisses him again. Since she hasn't seemed to think about Caleb much since the accident, and given that he just risked her life with no given explanation, it seems this is feelings for Noah against an abstract and perhaps misplaced sense of loyalty toward Caleb. Either that, or it's a certain charm Noah has on her that she will at some point decide definitively is wrong (he seems quite the opportunist, whether he does it consciously or not) against real feelings for Caleb she isn't ready to address just now.
I was sympathetic to Caleb up until the stunt with the car. Having worked with an ER and dealt with that terrible aftermath many times... Well, these experiences aren't unique, and to almost commit vehicular manslaughter because someone you've been dating for a few months might have cheated on you points to severe mental health issues. There is also that what Noah actually told him (so I'm led to believe) and what Caleb says Noah told him means Caleb was either lying to try to get the 'truth', or Noah said one thing and he heard something completely different.
It's a good story where none of the characters are perfect, and there's plenty of factors to keep this from being predictable.

[Sarah]

Yes, she has never brought him here. He came there that time on his own. And I guess I should try to clean it up a little bit. The characters are a mess and all blend together at times. Thank you for the review!

[Christopher Miller]

That makes sense now, but only because you explained it to me. If you could work that distinction into the story, it would help. Aside from the first chapter alone (I've already mentioned my confusion there) I don't think your characters blend together at all.

[Sarah]

I'll definitely work on it, Thank you!

[Mifa]

Good one. But as a side note. I am not a fan of Noah. I think he's an a*****e. There were a few typos errors you may want to correct later on though.

[Sarah]

Thank you for the review. I did not read this through before submitting it, so I will certainly go back through and correct the grammatical errors. Overall, thank you for all of the reviews. I found your opinions constructive, and I will definitely incorporate them during the editing process. Chapter 12 will be here soon, hopefully!

[Mifa]

I see. I honestly can't wait. All the best though.