Legends of the Moon: The Water Spirit - Prologue

When the gods were still young, the four elemental guardians protected them. But a war happened and three of the guardians were kill while one was sealed away. Now, the Water Guardian is back.

Legends of the Moon: The Water Spirit

 

Prologue

 

Long ago, when the gods were still young children

 

There were four sacred spirits

 

They were born to protect them until they mature

 

They were powerful, possessing the rarest powers and they were immortal

 

The spirits were also dubbed as the four elemental guardians

 

Fire, Water, Earth and Wind

 

They guided the young, immature gods and goddess

 

And lead the other spirits on the ground

 

Besides the four of them

 

There were the six lords of hell

 

They were like the four spirits

 

But they were sadistic, possessive and cruel unlike the four

 

At first everything was fine between them

 

Until one of the lords of hell angered one of the spirits by assassinating one of the young gods that was under her care

 

Out of rage, the Wind Spirit killed him brutally

 

Thus, the war between them commenced

 

.

 

The war lasted for ten long years

 

The loss of the Wind, Fire and Earth Spirit and other innocent spirits stabbed through the Water Spirit and the young gods and goddess’ hearts

 

They had enough of the nonsense

 

They sealed away the two remaining lords and their minions

 

But, alas, the Water Spirit’s life was diminishing

 

Her heart was broken and her will to live was weak

 

The young gods and goddess although matured during the war

 

But their heart was still fragile

 

They don’t want to lose their remaining sister figure

 

They seal her away in a place that no one knows

 

.

 

As the years gone by

 

They matured into fine gods and goddess

 

Although the memory of the war years ago was still like it happened yesterday

 

Their memory of their sister figures had been forgotten over time

 

.

 

The Creator, the most high of all, whom created the four spirits

 

Noticed the forgotten Water Spirit caged in her deep water prison

 

The god pitied her; she was supposed to be free long ago

 

But alas, her adoptive brothers and sisters had forgotten about her

 

Then the god put a spell on her

 

“When the time is right

 

You will be released from this water prison in the depths

 

And revived with new powers

 

Your presence will be a mystery at first

 

But your frightening powers and extraordinary knowledge will cause a storm among the gods

 

Then their lost memory of you will return

 

Go, and lead them once more

 

And together, bring justice to the two remaining lords of the underworld

 

Then peace will reign once again, for eternity”

 

 

- Break -

 

 

“And that’s the legend.” A young woman in her late teens said to her young audience. She was cloaked in a white robe with red trimmings. Her white hood hid her face, making it hard to see what she looked like.

 

She often sat under the humungous tree in the middle of the lake in the courtyard of the temple of the Creator. Spirits of all ages regularly ask her for advice or simply just to talk and gossip. But the children visit her more than the others, they come everyday and find her under the shade of the tree and ask her to tell them stories, legends and myths. The young oracle got used to their sudden visits and always brought refreshments with her when she goes to her usual spot in the courtyard. The other oracles asked if they need to ward them off but she refused. She rather enjoyed their company than being alone.

 

“Wow, that’s the most interesting legend I ever heard!” A young male spirit said in awe. The other spirits with him also nodded in agreement.

 

“It even sounds like it’s a real prophecy!” Another child commented.

 

“It sounds real because it is real.” The young oracle told the child.

 

The children looked at her, their eyes widen, and their faces gave her a ‘You’ve got to be kidding’ look.

 

“No, I’m not lying to you. I asked the Creator before.” She answered them, “The oracles and I didn’t believe in it but the Most High told us this is real in our dreams.”

 

She looked at the children’s flabbergasted expressions and chuckled, “It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?”

 

They nodded, a child stood up from the young crowd and asked her, “And then do the gods and goddesses believe in the prophecy?”

 

She shrugged and looked at the azure blue sky saying, “Who knows?”

 

 

.

 

 

Two gods floated in the air, observing the white clad oracle. One among the gods raised an eyebrow at the child’s question.

 

“Hey, otōto.” The elder of the two called his younger brother.

 

“What is it, nii-san?” The younger one asked.

 

“Do you believe it?” The elder one looked at the oracle with his narrow ice blue eyes.

 

“What?” The younger stared at his brother curiously, his forest green eyes widen a tiny bit.

 

“I mean the legend, or as the oracle said, the Prophecy.” He answered, “It intrigues me, but I think it’s impossible.”

 

“Hmm,” His younger brother mused, “Why is that?”

 

“It’s because we never forget anyone.” His eyes glared daggers at particularly nothing at all, “Especially someone that important, a person that cared for us and guide us in our childhood.”

 

“True. But who knows?” He turned around and continued, “Let’s go and find them for a spar, all this watching tires me.”

 

At the blink of the eye, they disappeared.

 

 

.

 

 

 

“Onee-chan?” A child nudges the young oracle. She spaced out for quite awhile now, and the children are starting to worry.

 

The oracle blinks her eyes for a few times and asked, “What’s wrong?”

 

“Onee-chan, you spaced out.”

 

“Ah, gomenasai.” She sighed, and stood up, saying, “The other oracles just contacted me by mental conversation. They say that something weird happened in the temple.”

 

One of the children grasped her robe and asked, “Does that mean you have to go back to the temple?”

 

“Hai, I really got to go. From what I heard, the other’s voice sound like something really bad happened.” She ushered the children to go back and said, “You guys could visit me tomorrow.”

 

“Okay~!” The children ran off and went back, leaving the oracle back to her devices.

 

Actually, she wasn’t having a mental conversation with her fellow oracles, or friends, in her point of view. She was observing and listening on the gods’ conversation above her. It might be ridiculous, but she could actually see the gods in their spirit form.

 

‘So they don’t believe it, huh.’ She mused.

 

Her thoughts then wandered to the two gods appearances. One of them had silver hair, while the other had golden. Both of their hair was spiked up and they have identical narrow eyes. Even their faces were the same!

 

“Twins. The slivernette is the elder one while the blonde is the younger one.” She thought. “Both of them have a cold attitude, I guess. I looked at their eyes once and their eyes,” She tried to suppress a shiver, “It gave me a cold hearted feel, and that sent cold shivers down my body. But, honestly, their eye color is beautiful.”

 

“Hmm, their clothes….. Their shirts are both black and the fabric seems strong, fitting for combat. It’s kind of tight too, compared to mine. Tight enough for me to see that they have broad shoulders, strong and bare chest, and, oh my gosh, six packs.” The oracle blushed at her thoughts, “Gods, what am I thinking?! Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!”

 

After calming herself down, she continued making a mental picture of the both of them. “Long, smooth black slacks, and a pair of black shoes, both are perfect of combat. Hmm, I think they love close combat and spars. But not so crazy with it……” She thought hard, wondering what god are they, “Oh right. I heard that God of Lightning are no only one, but two, a rare case among the spirit realm. Possibly that they are the Gods of Lighting? Or maybe-“

 

“Runa?” A voice echoed in her mind, cutting off her train of thoughts.

 

“Hai, Karina?” She answered.

 

“Something weird has happened; we need you here in the temple, ASAP.”

 

“Roger that.”

 

She started her trek towards the temple, and then something struck her.

 

“Wait a second, just before, when I told what happened when I spaced out, I said something weird happened in the temple. Isn’t this a coincidence? Or…..something more?”

 

She mentally slapped herself, “Of course it’s a coincidence. What am I thinking?”

 

She was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to not notice that the Creator was watching her. The god read her thoughts and smirked.

 

“Oh how wrong you are, young oracle.”

 

He floated away and mused, “It’s time to free you from your deep water prison, Suigetsu.”

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think. Feel free to drop some ideas too!

Reviews

[R.V.Hemington]

Came across your story. I can very much see you like of anime come out in your writing. All in all the idea is interesting and there's lots to work with to make a full novel. There are a couple of suggestions you can take or leave at your discretion.

1. I would omit/substitute the modern language. Things like "Oh my gosh/six pack/spaced out/ASAP/Roger that". They seem out of place for this world of spirits. There's lot of room to experiment with language choice and I think would strengthen the piece considerably.
2. There are a few commas you missed (don't worry I miss them allll the time too.)
3. "One among the gods" could be changed to "One of the gods".
4. The Creator is watching her. But this information sort of comes out of no where. I think there was one hint before but I only saw it when I read a second time. You could pepper the story with a few more.
5. You don't need to add dialogue tags after every quote. If find it stuns the flow of the speaking if there are too many. If there are just two people you can omit most of them. For example:

Hey, otōto.” The elder of the two called his younger brother.
“What is it, nii-san?” The younger one asked.

This could change to something like:

"The elder of the two called to his brother, "Hey, Ototo."
"What is it, nii-san?"

I don't usually read "Books on Writing" but there was one by Steven King my friend gave me. The most useful thing was looking at how he edits his manuscripts. So many words in the rough draft are taken out because they are unnecessary. An example would be the dialogue above. You already stated the first brother was the older one. You don't need to state the second one is the younger.

I rather liked your description of the eyes. I laughed at the one brother being bored and wanting to fight.

As your other reviewer said, don't get discouraged. Keep at it and I think it could be a fine story. There's lots of potential for a full book or even a screenplay/anime script.

Good luck on your future writing.
RVH

[Shauna Jacqueline Ander..]

Prologe - Needs more detail in how/why the war started [I know you've touched it lightly] Would also recommend refering to the spirits solely as water, fire etc. the overuse of the word spirit is slightly confusing, and also the waters 'water prison' could just be referred to as a prison, the reader will figure out the rest.

Chapter - Pick a tense, Past or Present; you keep flicking between them both. Nii-san [as someone who spent a bit of time studying the japanese language, I'd recommend removing 'san' from the name as it's an addition for politeness and not usually part of the actual name] also 'Hai' doesn't make sense in the context you've used it as it means 'yes'.
The only other thing is that some parts are maybe a little overdetailed..

Don't let any of the above discourage you in any way it's meant to be contructive. You have the start of potentially a very intriging story here. Keep it up. Look forward to reading more.