Chapter 1: The Disappearance

There was nothing but pure white light in the expanse that stretched out into every direction.  Melody wandered blindly through the void, trying to recollect where she was with only the echo of her footsteps bouncing off invisible walls and a nagging feeling of nostalgia for reference. She had been here before, but where was "here"?  It was the smell that hit first, sending a wave of deja vu through Melody's whole body.  Smoke, thick and heavy, shrouded the air.  Melody scrunched her nose.  Her face felt damp, and she realized it was raining, light like a morning mist.  

Next came the sunset.  If you could call it that.  In the infinite white space, an orange glow appeared and slowly dimmed Melody's surroundings.  She opened her eyes.  The nothingness was beginning to fade and a scene materialized.  The invisible ground began to rumble; a tall impressive building shot up in front of her, towering into the nothingness, and a sidewalk rose beneath her feet.  She peered around as more things came to light.  Cloudy skies sprinkled the air with a light rain and Melody found that she was in the heart of the city of London, on which street she wasn't sure. Everywhere she looked was deserted, but that didn't concern her.

The double doors of the building opened and beckoned her inside.  With one look, a sedated dread crept into Melody's mind; something inside was waiting for her.  As she stepped almost trance-like into the building the doors shut behind her with an echoing thud. She was slowly remembering, but the information was trickling lazily like a dripping tap.  Something about the building seemed to urge her onward, like a persistent whisper pulling her deeper into the unknown.  Melody climbed the spiral of stairs in the centre of the room, taking two steps at a time.  She was close, she could feel it.  Melody ran up the last flight, burst through the door at the end and found herself staring at a floor that was still under construction.  The edges of the floor were wet with something slick, and the air smelled sour.  A ticking noise bounced off the cement pillars and Melody stumbled backwards reaching for the door handle.  

No, she thought. She remembered now.  She knew how this ended.  Before she could retreat back through the door the ticking exploded into a thundering roar that sent Melody reeling backwards into the corner.  Half the roof caved in on the far side of the floor and a whirring noise filled the air. Melody's ears were ringing, and the side of her face ached from where she had fallen.  Laying stomach-down on the cement floor, Melody stared at the wet gloss that ran like a river beside her.  She reached out, and with one finger scraped the greasy floor.  The substance felt as sleek as it looked.  Oil. Her eyes widened and she propelled her self up just as the whirring noise began to scream like a boiling kettle.  Suddenly fire leapt up all around her,  lapping up the oil, climbing the pillars and engulfing the door.  She turned, scrambling away, and sought for another way out.  Wooden beams fell from above, almost crushing her as she dashed through the flames.  One landed directly in front of her and Melody pivoted just in time, skidded to a halt and rebounded quickly to the left.  The smoke burned her eyes; it was rushing around her, escaping through the giant hole in the roof where the explosive had torn the building apart. The fire was closing in.  There was no escape.  Melody gazed helplessly around her and caught a glimpse of white fabric disappearing into the fiery blaze.  She gasped and choked.  The flames licked her feet, and smoke clouded her vision before she was finally swallowed by the fiery darkness. 

"Heidi!?"  Melody cried, sitting up with a start, her chest rising and falling heavily.  She was shaking with a chill that seemed to sit in her bones though the flames still ran hot in her blood; sweat dripped from her forehead and clung to the spots where her fingers had dug into the bedsheets.  The bluish light from the television bathed her bedroom walls as image after image flashed on the square screen, while a pretty newscaster chattered monotonically. Melody wrapped her duvet tightly around her body and sat forward to listen.  

"- and there are new developments as to how the fire started.  Police are now suggesting that what was previously thought of as a gas leak may in fact have been arson, which demolished the upper floors of the new-coming Florence Company building just two months ago."

A picture of a blonde wearing dark sunglasses and a long coat entering the Florence Company building flew up to the right corner of the screen.  It was blurry and hard to make out.  But Melody knew who it was.  The news castor kept going.

"However, the suspect and missing person in the case, Heidi Alden, is yet to be found.  Police are baffled to know how she escaped the blaze, as her body miraculously disappeared after the fire was extinguished. She was the last person seen going into the building and if anyone has heard from Heidi Alden, police urge to you to turn her in so she can be interrogated."

Melody turned off the television.  She couldn't bear to hear any more.  Heidi wasn't missing.  Heidi was dead.  

Author's Note

First chapter, was supposed to be longer but I haven't perfected that part yet. This is a serious rough-draft, tell me what you think.

Reviews

[MoriartyMesa]

This reminds me of a song, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH0T0mgE2c8

and it hurts as much.....

[EurasianFlavour]

"Cloudy skies sprinkled the air with a light rain" Don't need to mention this twice. You just told us it's raining in the first paragraph.

"Everywhere she looked was deserted, but that didn't concern her." Why? If she doesn't care, then what's the point in even mentioning it?

"sent Melody reeling backwards into the corner." +"the side of her face ached from where she had fallen." Did she fall through the ground? Or do you mean "fallen" as in the blast pushed her back and she landed on her face? I think you mean the latter, but wanted to double check. I had to stop to read it twice.

"Melody stared at the wet gloss that ran like a river beside her. She reached out, and with one finger scraped the greasy floor. The substance felt as sleek as it looked." If the oil runs like a river, couldn't she just dip her finger in instead of scraping it off the ground? I have two different mental images of the oil here. One is of flowing stream of black, and the other is a thin semi-dried layer stuck to the floor.

So what exactly is the whirring noise if it's not the bomb?

I know it's a draft and I didn't go through for grammar or anything. Occasionally your word choice/sentence structure feels a little off, but that could just be personal preference (and easily fixed with proof reading). I noticed this right away in the first two sentences (kind of awkward or long). I noticed a couple repeat descriptors ("fiery" is the only one that jumps out right away) that are used too close together. Maybe switch it up a little to keep it from feeling stale?

I like the way you set up the dream, how it was coming together before her eyes. I thought maybe that meant she could control it but I guess not. Now it feels like a memory of something she witnessed/experienced. Good ending as well. I'm curious and want to know what's happened to Heidi! Why was there a fire? Was she the target?

[nostal]

Hmm interesting. Pay attention to your diction though, some word choices come off as clunky.

[Sarah]

I have actually completely revamped this, and need to repost asap

[Hold-B-Run-Faster]

The Disappearance Notes
• Off the bat, I get what you’re saying, with the opening line but I think it could be sharpened to be a bit clearer. You want the reader to get the visual image of being in a void of blinding white light. Perhaps something along the lines of“, It was light out, and nothing else could be seen but that light.” But you do refine it in the second sentence which is good. Hooks are tricky, but I think you know what direction you want to go in and that’s important.
• Would recommend against calling back to “still too bright to see anything yet,” as you already have a blind audience. Just pick up with the other senses.
• Next came the sunset should be a new paragraph, as the scene is changing, transition led off by morning mist.
• First paragraph though does a good job of having a lot of tangible detail and still leaving the reader wanting to know more. Confused but still oriented.
• I could hear the fog horn from the inception soundtrack in this next scene when you start building London around the protagonist.
• Try “…everywhere was deserted, but that didn’t seem to be of concern to Melody.” There was some rule in some book on writing that said something along the lines of ‘not discounting the details of your story.’ Now if you were telling it from a first person view, you could say “… deserted, but wasn’t important to me.” That tells us something about the character, that she could just not care, or incapable of caring, ect… If you tell the reader a detail about the world, and then dismiss it in the next sentence, that almost seems like a waste of a sentence.
• You don’t know how happy I was that the “slick liquid” was oil and not blood.
• Try “, Something about the building kept calling her onward, a persistent whisper pulling her deeper into the unknown.” That sentenced just seemed a little off, but a like what it could be with some sharpening.
• This whole scene with the building bursting into flames reminded me of Quantum of Solace with the exploding hotel, mixed with the sinking villa in Casino Royal.
• Try “…smoke only escaping through a small hole in the roof.” If you have a big hole, the smoke will ventilate faster, if it’s a small hole, the smoke takes longer to dissipate. Brining science together to create a more intense scene, hurray!
• May I suggest“…Swallowed by what would certainly be everlasting darkness.” I like this sentence, the fact that it tells the reader, most likely Melody is going to die. However, consider adding leaving the reader with some uncertainty.
• The thing about the dream sequence, people are going to say it’s a cheat. However, it seems like you are setting this up as part of Melody’s Ordinary World, that she dreams things in the future, or premonitions, something along those lines. I would highly suggest though, don’t make the last chapter… “It was all just a dream.”
• I like the look of the scene of Melody waking up to the television, clear, ominous.
• The dialogue of the news caster wasn’t wooden, but it could be tweaked a bit just to sound a bit more ‘newsy’… not like the Newsies… not a musical.

All in All, I think you’re off to a good start. When I’m left with questions about the plot like, “what’s next? Is Heidi really dead?” that says you’ve hooked me. A little clean up here and there, but I say keep going.

[Sarah]

First off let me start by saying I am heart-warmed that you put the effort into this review. It seriously means a lot. I agree with you with almost every comment. Especially the inception bit because I was totally picturing something like that while I wrote it. I make the changes. I'm glad you liked it!! :)
With love
Sarah

[Hold-B-Run-Faster]

No problem Sarah, keep writing, and good luck.