Escape

A young girl and her Grandmother escape the clutches of the Rogue Riders.

"To the boat, quickly now come on," Nainai urged, framing my tiny face with her frail boney hands. I clambered off the stoney beach and waded through the water towards the little row boat that was floating a few feet away. Five steely men sat inside, waiting for us. The frosted grey water hissed beneath my feet and held my long garments back as Nainai ushered me on hastily from behind. This was the last boat. We couldn't miss it. 

"Meiying, go!"

I heaved my weight towards the boat, and fastened my small hand around the wooden edge. Two of the men helped us in, first me, then my grandmother. One then lit a lantern at the front of the boat while the others plucked up the oars and started rowing. The lantern light spread dully through the pale mist and Nàinài whispered for me.  She wrapped her partly wet shawl around my small body and held me close. Turning my head I looked back at the narrow beach. The leering black wall of the mountain reflected its sharp obsidian exterior on the water. My eyes slowly climbed the rock face to the flat rim of the mountain and I saw them: riders, rogue demons straight from the north. Their slim silhouettes against the moonlight moved unnaturally astride their sickly skinny steeds and their flaming torches were held high against the black of night.  The rider in the middle reined its horse up onto its hind legs and fixed its deathly eyes on me. In turn the rest of them twisted their heads in a singular motion to watch us. 

I sucked in a breath, feeling the fear pierce my body like an icy cold. The brackish scent of seaweed clung to the water like a perfume.

"Nainai," I barely breathed, raising my finger to the ghostly figures evenly spread along the plateau above. The horse let out a piercing shriek, before landing gruffly on the ground again, and its rider then signalled to the others and lead them off to the left. Nainai turned my body away from the rock without more than a whisper, but I could still hear the echoes of the rogue army riding, ricochetting off the canyon walls. My skin prickled, each hair rose stiffly down the nape of my neck. My eyes floundered upwards to the front of the boat and I noticed the steely men were eyeing me. Their lantern-lit pupils peered out from under straw hats and their long moustaches swayed eerily in the faint wind. I lowered my eyes quickly and turned my gaze to the water. The jagged rock of the black canyon walls appeared beside us through the thinning fog. I slowly became aware of other boats ahead of us, lantern-lit, and packed to the brim with families. All were holding children like me or smaller, with their mothers, or in few cases, their grandmothers. The fathers? They were gone, fighting the war, protecting us from the dread perched atop the cliff.  But if we were running, it was obvious they hadn't been victorious. And now, the hunt was on. 

Author's Note

(Listen to this while you read? I based this piece off of the image this song created http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0K3wbTxM58 )
Be honest
Be Brutal
This is a prologue of sorts, for a story that I want to pursue, however I want your guys opinion. Can you picture the scene clearly? Is anything unclear? Are you interested, did I keep your attention? Hows my imagery? Good, bad. Should I scrap it, or keep going? Reviews are 100% appreciated!
Thanks all
Sarah

Reviews

[Patrick Henry]

Why were you there alone?! I couldn't help you in the freakin' boat fast enough!! lol Over on this island, whilst your father is away at war, hanging out with grandma in the dark of night? How did you even get there or were these people, people you arrived WITH and like the show on TV "Lost", were you to manage something on this island, even if only for temporary value or necessity?! The urgency was nuts, Sarah!! lol I'm telling you, after reading into the second paragraph, I was wishing I had hit your butt, maybe flipped you in the boat, give grandma a shot of adrenaline or throw her prune juice into the boat for added incentive because in the beginning of the story.... you are "wading" through the water with this "wedding train" of garment just dragging behind you.


Out of the 523 words in this story ..."and 56 The's and about 40+ I's, My's, and To's"... your story certainly has a lot of punch to it!! With only two misspellings, "signaled and mustaches", you have done well with checking your spelling mistakes, and/or just knowing how to spell!! lol If it were to be realized as to the necessary means WHY those girls were on that island with a bony-hand grandma that is up in her years, this story will need to build on the OTHER island they are seeking safety at, the purpose of why this war is being actuated and fought, and WHY the beings on the island you are fleeing from... don't follow you into the water. The view they have atop the mountain to watch your retreat is "posting and propping", meaning that they are displaying ownership of the land beneath them, and standing guard from a great vantage point. Curiously, they did not follow them down or cut off their impending escape at the beach which would be the only way off, considering that this was the "last" boat to leave. If other boats left before this, there should be little worry of defeating stupid beings, but always fear their "looks" of course. It's only natural to, but to defeat an enemy that does not know how to govern its own strengths, should not be feared at all.


I, almost, got kicked out of school for bringing this book to school, but there is a book called "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu, and probably about a warrior general named Sun Wu, where text and records show an actual timeline of such things described in the book as being used and succeeding. Having knowledge of such a story makes for practical and great story line and construction in a story about ANY war, Sarah!! : ) Read it... you will Love it. : )


The only thing that threw me off was that dialogue only really took place inside these tiny channels between the paragraphs. INSIDE the paragraphs, there are words that replace ownership and direction gets a little impeded if this story takes off to become something greater. Having words "general ones like me, we, you etc..." like those, takes away from siding with the character you have spent time on building up. Feeling empathetic toward an emotion or character would be just as important and smart as the "flow" so many speak of, but in little detail to explain the "why".


Good luck, Sarah. You are a beautiful writer. Your language was strong, uniquely passive, but very accommodating to drawing on this distant place with little fanfare of dolling up the scene, and relying on your talent to paint this vivid imagery that smacks us straight into the moment!! This kind of reminds me of a story that would play upon the form of starting like ...a little back story where you hear of Love, some characters that meant a lot to the hero or legend of when it comes to understanding the hero's role or why the girl has so much fight in her right off the bat. It's not assumed no longer. It's understood and without adding a lot of crazy details, we would understand that this girl will befriend other heroes, protect her name, and fight to the death for Loved ones if she has to. If we were to understand the father's role, we might have an inside "before the story" on him as well, as far as what has gotten him to this place in his life, and if this war is designed out of fear, anger, and/or revenge for some past dealing with whatever haunts him and the fold around him.


What you said on Julie's comment makes sense to me, but without you wanting to "add" me, I am reluctant to throw more words at you that may be hitting upon the proverbial "deaf ear". You have written books where I have written in poem form. Maybe, this is what is seen on this site and my insight or idea is not known to many that might benefit me OR them. Who knows?! lol Great story, so far!! Beautiful, Sarah.....



xoxox -Your Mark

[MoriartyMesa]

Call me simple, but i felt more of the rocking of a boat and smell of a river. The words brought about the right flow of emotions, which is nice.



Keep up the awesome work

[Chris]

I like this, it's got a great feel of wonder to it! The imagery is beautiful and I can really relate to the fear. I'm not a hundred percent sure on the riders--are they real or are they just an image for the water. They work great as the latter in my opinion, but I'm pretty sure you meant them as something separate. Maybe you could bring them together, or even if they are some sort of ethereal demon they could first show up "as" the water?

I don't know, just an idea. Loved the piece!

[Rose Kavanagh]

I think this is a very promising start. There are a few grammatical errors, but the intense mood of the story made them easy to overlook. The main issue I noticed was your repeated description of the main character as "small" - I would only use that word once (or even not at all) and try to "show" the reader that she is small with similes and metaphors.

Overall, a great start!

[HWinter]

I also listened to the song while reading and could picture your descriptions like a movie. Great imagery and use of alliterations (sickly skinny steeds). One image caught me though with "frosted grey water hissed beneath my feet". I would think hot water hissed (like a pot of boiling water) maybe a different descriptive sound could be used instead. I also thought the young girl could have had more description but I see you already posted about explaining more about her character in later chapters. If this novel was written already you would definitely have my attention and I would read more! Cheers!
Heather

[Julia Mancini]

Very clear imagery, sweetie bee :-) I really enjoyed this story.

[Sarah]

Thank you tons, I'll be sure to review some of yours stuff as well. We writers have to help each other out right?
Thanks again
Sarah

[Steve]

I think you should pursue it. I want to know what happens to the girl. Will the steely men want to kill her, capture her for some reason, or simply rape her? I am curious.

The idea of being in a small water craft in this situation holds my attention.

[Sarah]

Thanks tons :) I'll be sure to post

[Steve]

You are listed here on the home page as a Writer to Watch! congrats!

[Sarah]

Really? Oh my goodness that's fantastic! :D :D Thanks!

[EurasianFlavour]

I think you did a great job with descriptions. I could clearly picture the scene, and I think you have the potential of an interesting story! But I feel like you were so focused on setting up the scene that you forgot to give a little life to your character. She's a little girl right? What is she feeling right now? Normally a child would be scared, possibly even terrified, especially with how sinister these men must look! I realize this is just a prologue, but I think adding one or two lines could draw in more readers. Not only will it give your character some dimension (she seems kind of robotic right now), but it would add more tension to the entire scene.

As a Chinese speaker, I have to point this out because it seriously distracted me from the piece, haha. The accent on the "Nainai" is wrong. Take it out completely and write it accent-free like you did Meiying. The accent you are using reads as the chinese 4th tone, grandmother (nainai) is 3rd tone.

Caught these:
"Two of men helped us in, first me, then my grandmother." two of the men
"The leering black wall of mountain reflected its sharp obsidian exterior on the water." mountainS?

Otherwise, I look forward to seeing the next part (if you decide to continue)!

[Sarah]

Thank you thank you. I will change those and add some more insight to my character. Ill change those sentences. And thank you for the tip about Nainai. I thought I was being correct because I copy and pasted it from google. I suppose you can't trust the internet. Thank you tons!!
Sarah

[EurasianFlavour]

No problem! Google always has super weird translations, but if you ever need help with more Chinese feel free to ask me. I'm a native speaker. :)

[Sarah]

Awesome!! Will do!

[byPatKeegan]

As others have stated, your imagery is great. Definitely talented at putting ideas together (and yes, i listened to the music as well :)

What's missing is the little girl's thoughts. You do a great job telling the reader everything about that the girl sees, does, what others do, etc, but nothing comes out of her head.

Knowing their thoughts is key to create identification. If i don't identify with her, i can't really get emotionally engaged, and I care less about her (in a general sense). So many people leave off with the physical symptoms of emotion, like "My skin prickled"...I can tell you that if my skin were prickling, i'm definitely thinking something crazy in my head. We need to know those thoughts.

Aside from that, really, great work!
- Pat

[Sarah]

Thanks for the review :)
I totally understand the whole identification. However I purposefully left out her thoughts because this prologue comes before the actual story. My character is the little girl all grown up and thats when I start to get into her head. I didn't want my readers to identify with her as a child because I needed her to stand out more as a young adult. However I get your point as I'm the same way. I need identification, and don't worry you'll get some :))
Sarah

[byPatKeegan]

I'm not sure I understand how adding thoughts here would somehow detract from how she is perceived later, but then again, there's always a lot to learn :)

The first thing that came to mind when i read your reply was to wonder if there were a thread that could be woven in here that would actually strengthen/augment/enhance her as a young adult, making her stand out even more.

Either way, great start!!

[Sarah]

Hmmm, you've stimulated a thought. I'll see if I can weave a small trait that she has as a child into this piece and then amplify it in my later chapters. Thank you for the suggestions. :)

[LJW]

I am always honest. Sometimes brutal.

Works very well as a prologue.

Your imagery, excellent.

If I had any thoughts of changing anything, I believe I would remove a handfull of the descriptive words. There were many; all good choices, but perhaps a few too many.

The hair rising on the back of her neck "delicately"?
Doesn't fit the level of fear...perhaps "instantly" or "stiffly" would be another way of putting it.

Moustaches swaying. Did not like that visual.

You used "steely" at least twice.

The last line was perfection.

More please.......nice work.

[Sarah]

Okay, first I'll start by thanking you for reviewing! It seriously means the world to me. But I do have some questions relating to your questions. I totally agree with the "delicately" comment. However with the moustaches swaying comment, perhaps I should have mentioned that these moustaches are long. Like long asian moustaches that hang below their chin. So their moustaches are actually swaying. Maybe you could suggest a better way to say that. Or is it just the visual on the whole?
Also I used "steely" twice to identify the men in the boat, because they arent actual men. (I wont give anything away yet, but I have yet to write further) I wasn't repeating steely as an adjective, more as a noun. However I suppose I could find a different way to say that.
Anyways please respond so that I can make this perfect, any other comments you may have feel free to mention them. Thanks!

[Sarah]

maybe "long hanging moustaches swayed eerily" or "Each had two strands of long black hair, hanging from above their grey lips, and swaying eerily in the faint wind." Something like that?