Day Minus Three

In the living room of a three-story house in a suburban street in the state of Vermont of the continent, America of the planet earth sits four incredibly ordinary middle-aged people. Were you to open the door and invite yourself inside, these suburban parents would gaze upon you with a kind of half disguised disgust (because you’re trekking mud all over the new cream carpet) and politely escort you out the door, thrusting a small bible into your hands as you’re ceremoniously thrown out into the street. These four adults conversations were limited to; church, school, PTA meetings, the new coffee maker at WholeFoods and more church. In fact at present one of them, a portly blonde lady with lipstick smudged on her two front teeth, is bragging about her teenaged daughter's latest stint at ‘St Agatha Margaret’s Camp for God’s Special Angels’, a particularly pretentious bible camp of which young Elizabeth the aforementioned daughter" has just completed her third consecutive summer as camp counselor.

“Speaking of Elizabeth,” interrupts the dark-haired woman sitting opposite the mahogany dining table, “it was so nice to run into her this morning while I was doing my 8 am outdoor spin class.”

“Oh my dear Carol, you are sorely mistaken,” replied Susan, taking a long swig of her camomile tea. “Lizzy was leading a prayer circle for the junior scouts at 8 am.”

Carol slowly reaches forward to take a slice of lemon cheesecake, “You should be more aware of your children’s position, you know Susan. I distinctly remember spying her on the corner of Fourth and Main with her charming little yellow guitar.”

“I believe the kids these days are calling them ukuleles.”

“Either way Elizabeth is very . . . talented”

The men on either side of the bickering woman made eye-contact, almost pained expressions on their faces - this was not a rare occasion. Mark, Elizabeth’s father, had taken to gazing out the window and dreaming of the golf course he could be on. Anthony, on the other hand, was eyeing up a particularly nice bottle of scotch in the liquor cabinet.

Unfortunately, these pleasant daydreams were interrupted by an enraged Carol rising from her seat.

“How dare you accuse me of lying, Susan? After all the times I picked your son up from water polo!”

“I’m not accusing, merely suggesting you have a talent for...embellishing the truth. We all remember the ‘homemade’ banana bread you brought to last month’s PTA bake sale.”

As the two women glared and prepared to tear their opponent limb from limb with perfectly manicured French nails a creak could be heard from the hallway.

Mark snuck away from the table, leaving the women in a dead stare with each other, and slipped through the sliding door that led into the hallway quickly shutting it behind him.

“Susan and Anthony are here,” he said to a newly arrived Elizabeth, looking much less than thrilled. “They mentioned something about your ukulele?”

It could have been a trick of the light but Mark could swear his eighteen-year-old daughter went about two shades paler. The blonde merely shrugged at her father and subtly readjusted her shirt over her jeans, suddenly aware of the money shoved into her front pockets. Not wanting to be caught in the escalating World War Three she could hear developing in the parlour (“My laundry is always whiter than yours, Susan!” “You get it dry cleaned, you aren’t fooling anyone Carol!”) Elizabeth escalated the stairs and made a hasty retreat into her bedroom.   

Reviews

[Agyani]

The interchange between the two ladies is the highlight of this piece! It's something everyone can picture and find amusement in.
But I must say I agree with Carina M in that you should lengthen the piece. The scenario is relatable and interesting, and your dialogue sure is real and captivating, but add a bit more from the narrator's point of view.
The narrator's voice shouldn't be like footnotes or citations but a voice that speaks to the reader. The narration could improve and you can give more information about the characters.

[Levi Levin]

You did a great job with this! Kinda reminds me of something on Anne of Green Gables haha!

[SarahK]

Thank you that's so lovely to hear! What a great novel :)

[Levi Levin]

Your welcome!

[Carina M]

It's good, and has good detail. the only thing I would suggest is perhaps making the first chapter a little longer or sprinkling the description a little more throughout the chapter instead of having it all at the top

[SarahK]

Thank you so much, that's very helpful. I much appriciate your help

[000000000000]

Loved the dialogue between Susan and Carol. Enjoyed the details of setting in the beginning. :)

[SarahK]

Thank you! It was very fun to write eccentric characters like that ☺️

[Yousra Alsubaihi]

It's really good , I'm Excited to complate it , and know the detail

[SarahK]

Thank you! It's a work in progress but hopefully eventually a finished product