When the Past is Over and DoneA Story by SarahTutunthis story follows the life of a girl who found herself in a less than fortunate situation, it examines the emotions, the mind set, and the ability to be strong and get out of said situationWhen the Past is Over and Done
C: Sarah Tutun all rights reserved
Jessica sucked in her breath, puffed out her cheeks, pressed her lips tightly together and forced a smile as she entered the brightly lit office at the end of the hall. Everything looked the same, looked just as it had the week before, (Why did she expect it to be any different?) Consciously keeping the smile on her face, Jessica quickly crossed the room and made her way to the vacant chair in the center .. Jessica looked down, looked around, smiled nervously to herself as she bit her lip and sat down.
“So, how are you feeling, today?” Paula asked casually, peering ,over her black, thin, horn-rimmed glasses.
“I'm fine” Jessica quickly mumbled. “Just fine,” She said again, staring down, at her hands. Why am I still coming here? Jessica thought angrily to herself. Feeling exasperated and uncomfortable with the fact that she was there, feeling naked, feeling vulnerable. Feeling uneasy...., Jessica shifted her weight, uncomfortable in her seat, shifting from one side to the other, crossing and uncrossing her legs.
“Fine is good” Paula said evenly,, keeping her gaze steady on Jessica., “But....” she paused, licked her lips and stretched her arms out in front of her. “Fine is good,” Paula said again as she relaxed her arms and pressed her hands together in her lap, “But, are you.......suure that is how you are feeling?” Jessica sighed to herself .
Jessica had started talking to Paula 4 years ago, when Jessica was a sophomore in college. Jessica had gotten involved with the “Wrong guy” o to say. Jessica sighed again with the memory, closed her eyes and shook her head quickly...trying to forget. She opened her eyes to see Paula, still talking...and talking...and talking... “Many times individuals who have been traumatized in their past become so accustomed to conditioning themselves to believe that they are fine when they’re not...that it becomes hard for them to know what they are feeling...how they are feeling...how they should be feeling....” Paula paused, took a breath, then rapidly finished speaking, “How can I know that that is not what is occurring with you, right here, right now,, at this very moment?” Paula finished speaking with a flourish and gesture of her hand, staring at Jessica with a look of extreme focus..
The tone in her voice made Jessica want to disappear from the room, made her want to crawl into a hole, made her wish she never set foot in her office....
Jessica ducked her head and stared steady back at Paula, then glanced at the clock then trained her gaze impatiently back to Paula.. “Yes” Jessica said, firmly. “Yes, I can tell you I'm fine....” The tone in her voice had a chill to it that was unfamiliar even to Jessica..
She took a another glance at the clock.....this time not so discreetly....46 minutes in,.she thought....14 minutes to go.
Jessica found herself staring at the pattern forming in the paint on the wall of Paula's office as Paula continued to drone on..... ...Bubble...crack...bubble..crack...bubble...bubble...bubble! The paint on the office walls was cracking, Jessica noted. There were lines from the clock to the door to the ceiling..water damage..she thought to herself. Paula could really use a paint job in here...she could use some flowers...she could use some books....she should move those tissues..she should empty her trash, she should vacuum the rug ...wow she should- Jessica was snapped out of her thoughts as Paula raised her voice a bit louder, impatience dripping with authority as she framed that last question. Jessica felt herself inwardly flinch.
“We....”Paula tried to draw the moment out, “We...I thought we had a lot to do. Based on the trauma of your past I was certain that you and I would be seeing a lot of each other for the next- well....I thought we had to-” Paula stumbled over her words- Paula paused to take a breath- “But,” She smiled brightly”t, I suppose that we don't. It is really good news that you think you are fine, As I said, I am a bit surprised but I am glad to hear that you think you are good-
Jessica stopped herself from rolling her eyes. She knew that would be perceived as rude. But come on, Jessica thought. I told her that I was good. what is she going on, and on, and on about..
“That is good to here, but know that when something reminds you of him..when anything reminds you of him, what he looked like, what he said. how he touched you..what he did...I can guarantee you that something will set act as a tri-...” Jessica realized that Paula was still talking..... “Know that when something reminds you of him it will be a trigger and it will make you sad and it will send you back..”Paula paused to catch her breath again. “Know that when this trigger occurs you must call me. Please know that my office has an open door policy, that I am always here for whatever you, all of my clients, need. As I have told you from day one, Jessica, it is always the patient's choice whether to come to see me or not. I have told you that, from day one. It is just my personal belief that everyone will always need therapy. Stress is a part of life. Stress is a part of relationships. The best way to deal with stress, in my opinion, is through what I call, “Talk therapy.” When you decide that therapy is the proper place for you, I will offer you just that, talk therapy. Please though, understand that it is always your choice, always your choice if you want to talk to me or not. It is always your decision...yours. Just know that I will always be here...for the next time that you find yourself stressed out, the next time that you realize that you can't handle it on your own...There is no shame in coming to this understanding..it is just a fact of life. Once one has been traumatized, especially once someone has been traumatized to the degree that you have is common to remain in therapy for days, for weeks..for months...years..”
Jessica was staring at the clock, waiting for Paula to finish her speech. She was snapped back to reality as she heard the shuffling of papers in front of her.
Folding her patient notes neatly in her lap Paula looked at Jessica from across the room. “Do you understand what I just said? She asked pointedly.
“:Yes...” Jessica hissed softly, not really caring what she said..
“Ok...”
Paula said gently..but..you look as though you have something else
to say.... “What is it?” Jessica
shook her head, eyes lowered to the ground. “Nothing,” she said
softly. “
Paula
started to speak again but decided against it due to the expression
on Jessica's face. Taking a deep breath Paula gently said,”So...what
else has been going on in your life, Jessica. Tell me about work,
about music, about school...”
Jessica
looked at the clock again at the same time that Paula spoke. OK!”
Paula said, a little too quickly a little to cheerfully, a little
too fast, I guess time is up now. Understand that my door is always
open, that I always tell my patients that they can come and go as
they choose....It is always up to you if you choose to see me again.
Out of curiosity, are you planning to schedule another appointment?
I get a bit sad when I don’t know how you are doing (Give me a
break, Sarah inwardly groaned) but please know that it is always
your choice..always your choice..always your choice.....”
“I know it's my choice,” Jessica said almost too low to hear. “I know it's my choice...I don't..know...I don't..know” Her voice faded out.
“I guess I will see you..in a week then! That is great!” Paula said..
“That's
just great! Jessica didn't say another word. Jessica didn't remember agreeing to meet with Paula again. Jessica pulled at her shirt, feeling suddenly too hot. Sarah kicked at the ground with her shoes, She smoothed her hair behind her ears and collected her purse without saying goodbye to Paula.
Her feet dragged to the wooden door under the exit sign of Paula's office. Jessica didn’t' look behind her as Paula said good bye. Jessica high tailed it out of her office as fast as her legs would carry her, asking herself the entire walk to the car, “Why did I agree to do this again?” Feeling an anxious pressure in her chest she took a deep breath and tried to collect her thoughts, tried to collect..herself. 'Okay,” Jessica thought, “Its only one ore appointment...it will only be one more time....”
Jessica sat in the waiting room at Paula's office, pretending to read, pretending to sleep..avoiding eye contact with the 3 other people in the room. The woman to the far left kept buttoning and unbuttoning her blouse. Obsessive compulsive? Jessica wondered silently to herself....The man across the room kept cursing lowly under his breath. “You did the wha-the fu- godda AHH!” The man exclaimed. Jessica turned his gaze away from him and chose to stare out the window instead.
“Hi Jessica!” Paula entered the room. “It's your time now- Please come in my office..”
Jessica slowly turned toward the voice and nodded, sighing to herself. “OK she thought...OK...
Jessica crossed the office and sat in the folding chair across the room from Paula's desk. “OH, wow” Paula said as she draped her overcoat across the arm of I see that you have decided to change your location this time! The words curled from Paula's tongue, the tone was dripping with false sentiment and concern....”Please tell me why...” Jessica rolled her eyes.
Jessica had started seeing Paula 4 years ago. When Jessica had first started seeing Paula there was a very good reason. Now, Jessica wondered each week if that reason was still there.
When Jimmy had told her that he loved her Jessica smiled and felt a sense of excitement that she had never known before. When Jimmy had asked Jessica to wear high heels for him and to walk around and look sexy Jessica felt honored, Jessica felt pretty, Jessica felt special. When Jimm y got home late from work one night and came through the doors to their apartment cursing lowly to himself Jessica felt scared. When Jimmy approached her and grabbed her from behind with one hand around her waist the other at her throat Jessica bit her lip to keep from screaming. As Jimmy breathed in her ear, “This is love, damnit, now do you remember what I told you you have to do?{ As he whirled her around and forced her to her knees Jessica tearfully nodded, Yes. Jimmy quickly unzipped his pants and held her face toward his body. Jessica suckled in her breath, closed her eyes against the tears and complied.
The first time that Paula had seen Jessica she was crying, hard. Jessica's arms were wrapped around her body in a position of self preservation, self protection, self defense.. Paula easily assured Jessica that she could talk to her about anything, everything, Jessica did. Paula really helped Jessica then. Jessica knew and understood that at that time, speaking with Paula was probably one of the best things that she could have done. Four years later, Jessica could not understand why Paula still insisted on bringing the past up. Four years later, Jessica still remembered Jimmy, Jessica still remembered the things that Jimmy had done, but Jessica also knew and understood that sometimes bad things happen. Jessica knew that her experience with Jimmy was one of the toughest things that she had ever had to deal with, but Jessica also knew that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Jessica had left Jimmy four years ago. Jessica had since moved on with her life. Jessica could fall asleep at night with a smile on her face and a sense of peace that Jimmy would not be around, could not be around, and would no longer hurt her, ever. Jessica remembers her time talking to Paula, and Jessica smiles to herself as she realizes that Paula was the person that she needed at the time, but now, Jessica knows, that speaking to Paula, like speaking to Jimmy, was thing of the past. Now Jessica knows that she can move on I her life, move forward in life, and let the bad memories o the past be the bad memories of the past, and stay there- in the past.
© 2015 SarahTutun |
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Added on July 30, 2015 Last Updated on July 30, 2015 AuthorSarahTutunFlorence, MAAboutPublished Author of Children's Stories, Personal Pieces. Published in a magazine and Poetry Anthology. Sarah B. Tutun more..Writing
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