False Peomises; A Glimpse at Life When Life Stops

I wrote this [piece about fifteen years ago, when, why, and all that is very self evident upon reading.

False Promises:

A glimpse of life when life stops

The words stole my breath away while I was sitting in the doctor's office. "We can hope

for the best, there are no guarantees that she will see again." I knew that I was expected

to be terrified, but I only went through the motions. It was all I could do. I didn't

understand what was being said; I didn't want to. The meaning in the words was too

foreign to place, so I didn't. It's not me they're talking about, I thought. It's some other

person they are dealing with. It's not me; they don't know it can't be. What are they

saying?

I wouldn't let myself believe that I wasn't healthy. Three weeks ago I'd been ice skating,

acing classes; it wasn't me they were talking about. I was following my crush; I was

laughing hysterically with my friends. The doctors had to be wrong. I played field

hockey. I had incredible eyes. I "had it all." It just couldn't be me. Let me tell you, my

perception of "it all" has sure changed.

I was extremely sick when I arrived in the first eye doctor's office in March of '00. My

right eye was quickly losing vision. After multiple eye doctors I went to a neurologist.

The reason? My better than 20/20 vision was now completely gone. At 16, I was

declared legally blind. I remember the eye doctors had told me that it would clear up in a

month or two. "Optic Neuritis," they assured me. If only it had been that simple.

The neurologist eventually diagnosed me after the same thing happened again and again.

When he said MS, it just shocked us. There's no other way to say it. I didn't understand

what the letters stood for, my parents were skeptical, and even my doctor said I was

unusually young. I didn't even understand the fear we were enveloped in. I didn't have a

clue what the two letters stood for. They were just letters, why were my parents scared?

Now, I understand it. I always was different than the main stream. No exceptions when

it comes to health I guess.

My symptoms grew to the point where I couldn't see. Or walk. Or use the right side of

my body. It was almost like I was dead. Emotions shut off, as my immune system

started attacking my body rather than protecting it. Attacked my neurological system,

which just screwed everything up.

My life was in pieces and my friends were a million of the wrong ones. I was too close

to breaking; they pulled me apart. There were two types of people throughout this. The

ones who could handle it, the ones who couldn't. A man whom I had never expected to

even meet, much less find comfort in, is the person who gave me something to smile at.

My friends just made me cry.

So when it comes to my friends, I can't think straight. I reached blindly for comfort, but

wound up pulling out lies, gossip, and evil tongues taking human form. My friends didn't

help me as I had expected; they pushed me back or watched me fall. As if life isn't hard

enough being a teenager, as if it isn't hard enough dealing with illness, my friends made it

unbearable. I cried over them more than my physical life. When your life is taken at,

"I'm healthy," and your life is with your friends, it gets pretty hard when both are gone.

People came, people went. Some were nice, some were cruel. Some were scared, some

didn't care. The point being, I'm here writing this rather than hanging out with them. Or

dead. I'm here. People judged me for what I was. In their minds, what I was now

consisted of two letters. A label, that even I didn't understand. I knew it was the doctor's

label, but it didn't sum me up at all. I was scared of what life was bringing, scared of how

my friends would talk, but I didn't let it wear me down. I had it together until I heard all

the distaste in everyone's voices.

I've known Amberley* since I was seven years old. I thought we had become good

friends, so I trusted her. I confided in her about my physical state with the understanding

that it was between her and me. Turns out that the understanding was very one-sided.

She had "the news" and according to her everyone asked, so she talked. By talking, she

hurt me then blamed me for her actions. "You're hiding from MS Sarah," she said when I

asked her not to tell anyone. She told me that everyone was talking; it was not the way I

wanted people to find out. I wanted to be the one to tell, whom I wanted to tell, what I

wanted to tell, when I wanted to tell, and how. I wanted to figure out how everyone

knew, because it's kind of freaky when they tell you how you are rather than ask. Even

the doctors didn't fully understand MS. I just wanted to know how my friends did. So I

asked the few people whom I had actually told about it. Amberley got so defensive when

I asked her if she had told anyone. One thing I've learned over this past year, is when you

get defensive it means you have something hidden to defend. I think Amberley is the

most hurtful example of the thoughtlessness and cruelty, but Meg's* reaction is the one

that stings the most.

Meg* and I had been best friends for what seems like forever. I think she was so scared

by what happened to me that she just couldn't handle it. Maybe it's easier to think that,

than that she just forgot me. She came to see me a couple times, promised to come again,

but never did. She promised to call and never did. I tried everything. I called her so

many times. I wrote her the sweetest e-mail in the world. But this friendship just fell

through the cracks. I honestly wasn't strong enough to try any harder.

After being battered down by their harsh words I couldn't sum up any emotion but

sadness. My friends didn't think of me, while I was home all the time and couldn't help

but think of them constantly. I felt dead. I wanted to just be dead. I cried, and cried, and

cried. The illness didn't kill me, but for a time the judgment and cruelty I was faced with

threatened to.

I think that when you get so much negative, life has to work out that you get positive or

you're just going to break down. I was on the verge of it, when the good finally came.

Long story short, my dad had a patient, who knew the production manager (at the time)

for Matchbox Twenty. Since the first time I'd seen them live, I just wanted to meet the

lead singer. He agreed to meet me in private, and I just hope he knows how much he has

helped me. He is the kindest man, and has so much affect on me. Through his music,

through his personality, through everything he has done for me for the past 6 months.

The way I feel about him goes so much deeper than a rock star crush. I feel such gratitude

towards him. I couldn't even see him when 1 met him, but I could never have been

happier. Kindness really matters.

For as much joy that was brought into my life from meeting Rob, it eventually just killed

my friendship with the one-person left. I thought Kevin* and I'd always be close. He

helped me so much when I was so overwhelmed and everyone else was gone. I wanted

to give him something back for all the help me gave me, so I thought what better way

then for him to meet his inspiration, Rob. My dad set up a regular meet and greet for the

two of us. As much as it hurts to say, Kevin met Rob and basically just stopped talking

to me. As soon as he got home he cut me out of the picture of the two of us with Rob,

put it on his website, and sent it around the net.

My mom's friends were incredibly sweet to me, but there were two people, whom I cared

and care about, whose kindness has touched me deeply. One is slightly untouchable, and

the second is this girl named Rachel. A couple weeks before everything started we had

the most boring class together, and we just occupied ourselves by writing notes. We

were merely school friends, but she has been the only one of my friends to keep in touch

with me. I'm so grateful for that. I was so surprised when she was there, and I'm just

incredibly thankful. 1 think we've grown to be so much stronger friends. She came to see

me when I couldn't move, found ways to make the gruesome medical experiences funny;

just always seems to rationalize all my crazy emotions. We hung out and she didn't refer

to it as some kind of pity act. We're just friends. She didn't mind sitting in the front row

of the movie theater; and later on when we went some where she just said, "I want you to

have fun Sarah, I want this to be your night."

Illness brings out the best and worst in people; the best and worst in yourself. I'm not

sure if I thought that I should get anything that I wanted. I do know that 1 try my hardest

to give people anything that they want. I don't take advantage of people. I always listen

and always care. I have grown so much throughout this year. I like myself, I think I'm

pretty, and that is something I never thought before. I never believed in God, but now I

have so much faith. I used to make fun of how spiritual my mom is. "Hooey," I would

call her. Now I think I'm getting close to her on that level. I think everything happens

the way it's supposed to. The answers to "why" aren't always clear, but I think that some

part of us understands.

Over the year, I've never let myself quit. As many times as I wanted to, I didn't. I think

that when facing life-altering situations, you have no choice but to look inside yourself. I

have discovered so much. Still working on understanding people, but I think I

understand myself better. The little acts of kindness have meant the world to me. So 1

guess now I just understand the importance of kindness that much more. It has also

helped show me what directions I want to take my life in. I know I want to help people.

Not sure how, but 1 want to help. Maybe start some sort of social service for sick

teenagers. I don't know. I'm only 17, though 1 don't feel it. I know I want to write. I

know 1 will never take anything for granted anymore. You honestly never know what

will happen. In the span of a year and a half! have gone from "eagle eyes" to "visually

impaired." My sight's coming back, so is my balance. My friends are still just walking

the other way. Experiencing life with illness for the past year, I have become all too

aware of the importance of compassion

When facing life situations, I can offer one piece of advice, take it or leave it. I've found

life's easier when you just accept. Accept the things life throws at you, it makes it easier.

It took me a year, but now I can honestly say that I wouldn't take this whole experience

back. So I have either cracked up or I am just happy. I think I am just happy.

*names have been changed

I wrote this piece to help me come to terms with having ms. Now all I can say is please

don't let a label stop you from searching for the real cause. I was misdiagnosed and I

know this because of my father. He never gave up the hunt for the cause behind all of my

symptoms. It's actually a disease that's as serious as ms, but it's curable. There is no

knowing how long it'll take or how intense the treatment will be, but there's an end in

sight. In official terms, I have infections from a tick bite. It's very hard to detect which is

why it's so important to just keep believing, keep your faith. The frame of mind I've tried

to keep throughout all of this has always been, "Okay, this may seriously suck right now

but God's watching out for me." It's hard to do at times but it really does help and made

me feel safe. So I guess that's it and this is all I can say. If I was happy before what's left

for me to be now?