Up Down and Around, do It All Again

This is a short story, a little bit about my life, a little bit made up, I had fun with words and this is what you get!

Up Down and Around

Do it All

Again

By: Sarah B. Tutun

Kelly Pratchett was a vibrant, care-free, easy-going girl. You would probably really like her, if you ever got to meet her- She was short, she was cute, she was...

Perfect

She knew that life was Perfect

Oh,

She knew that Life was Right

She never had a worry

She would

Sleep hard through

The night.

Each day she'd live it

Easy-

And

Each day she'd live it

True

The only way to live

She said

Was Easy

Through

And Through

Kelly Pratchett was your average five foot four inches tall girl. She wasn't the skinniest girl in the world, but she sure wasn't no Mama Cats [of the influential music group, The Mommas and the Poppas] either. She had Ruby red hair that reflected gold specks of sunlight whenever she walked into a room. She had rosy red cheeks and a cute, always upturned button-nose with precisely three freckles distributed evenly across the very top most part of it. She had a smile as easy as ever that could light up a room without a second thought. Her blue/green eyes danced with excitement and joy with every breath that she took. To the outside world, and other people looking in, Kelly Pratchett had the perfect life. She was 17 years old and on top of the world. Always surrounded by friends, boyfriends and crushes, there was no way that anything bad was ever going to happen to her, ever going to bring Miss Kelly Pratchett down.

Kelly did not have any idea that there was any chance in hell that things as she knew them could possibly ever change one day, (Would change one day,) forever. Kelly Pratchett would simply smile in naïve oblivion each day and rest easy in the knowledge that life was easy, life was in her control, and life was good.

This is a story about life. This is a story about Kelly's life. Maybe you are Kelly's age and looking for a story about somebody that you can relate to. Maybe not. Whatever the case may be, I hope that you sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Welcome to Kelly's story, welcome to Kelly's book, welcome to Kelly's life.

End of Forward, End of Introduction, Enough of all that...Now- Here's KELLY:

Thank you for Taking the Time

Well, Hi! Thank you for picking up this book!

Thank you for reading this page!

You took the time

To choose this book,

You didn't choose another book

So thank you-

For taking the time.

For that matter,

Thank you for opening your eyes!

And

Thank you for getting out of bed!

Thank you for then getting dressed!

Thank you for accepting my apology

If you did NOT get dressed! [what?]

Thank you for going to the store.

Thank you for picking up this book

Thank you for taking time to see

And most importantly

Thank you for taking time to read!

You're reading my writing

You're reading my words

You're reading my story

You're reading my face

You're reading my heart

You're reading my voice-

So thank you
For taking

The time!!

Kelly Pratchett laughed softly to herself as she read and reread that poem. 'My goodness, I was presumptuous back then,” She bit her bottom lip and laughed softly to herself again. “That was written way back when I was 12 years old, when I was just a KID. That was written way back when I practiced to be a MOVIE star, I must have been practicing my acceptance speech to graciously say when I was winning some national award or something for best performance or...' Kelly rolled her eyes, shook her head and thought to herself as she smiled in embarrassed amusement once again. 'Yeah, that went real far,'' She rolled her eyes again and offered a thin, terse smile. 'I shoulda gone into COMEDY or something with THAT thought, my gosh, What a JOKE that was for me to think that I could ACT!? AS if! She shook her head in again as she felt her cheeks start to flush red as she felt her eyes water but also felt herself begin to blush. “As if,” She thought to herself again, “As if,”

She thought, with tired almost sad, resignation. She shifted her weight uncomfortably in the light blue wheelchair that she had grown accustomed to using for the past...five years now. She was starting to get good at not thinking too much about the way it was before, the way it was back then. She shook her head to lose those thoughts as she tried to push herself up further in the familiar seat in order to ease the pain that was growing from her left big toe to her ankle. She grimaced as the pain began to reach all l around her left leg now, too She flinched with the pain one last time but then smiled as she successfully accomplished the task of easing discomfort. “Wow” she thought dryly to herself, “Wow.”

Kelly reached to the open desk drawer to her left and found the papers she remembered writing long ago and quickly and started,

Messed Up

Hear the shame in her voice

as she apologizes for self

undertone of I'm "Sorry's"

do not question why

look at her face see it's obvious

she's trying not to cry as

she says just how she is

that is fucked up

don’t ask why

Above it

If I say it isn't sad

then you know it makes it so

if I say it doesn't matter

thank who will ever know?

I can smile say it's fine

and it's better off this way

my eyes dare you to question

what I have to say

so please don’t say it's different

I’m fine in my own world

if you can't believe it

then I guess you haven’t heard

challenge makes us stronger

challenge makes us free

so until you have lived it I don’t care

what you say

I'll tell you just try

being me.

Kelly smiled to herself as she remembered the time that was written. She shook her head and rolled her eyes as she remembered the doctor's words then, too. “We can hope for the best'” Kelly smiled tightly as she sucked in her breath.

“That was then,” She thought sternly to herself as she jutted out her chin, “That was then. Focus, Kelly, Focus-”

She shook her head in disbelief as she mindlessly chewed on her bottom lip and began to shuffle through the stack of papers that was still lying on the desk in front of her,again. Her eyes focused now on one sheet of paper, and old, tattered, familiar sheet of paper. She reached down and picked it up hard and then held it tight, very tightly in her hand. The writing blurred together as her eyes clouded over with tears as she started to read. .“Man, life was a whole lot easier then, Kelly thought dryly to herself, A whole hell of a lot”

“Prove it to me and I’ll rove it to you-

Say you love me and I'll say I love you.

You promised me always you said it so clear-

I love you forever, and ever my dear.”

Kelly laughed as she remembered the boy she had written that about. That was easy though she thought, that was easy...” She smiled thinly to herself as she tried to forget about everything that was happening then and instead started thinking about easier times.

Kelly remembered dreams of princes and castles and movie stars and best friends and magic wands (And magic spells,) and angels, and fairies, and, and, and, and and-

Kelly smiled thinly to herself and shook her head. “What I had hoped for, she rolled her eyes, amused. Kelly thought about dreams of acting, or comedy,or Hollywood or San Francisco...She bit her lip and closed her eyes. She felt her face flush again with the memory. She shrugged her shoulders, feeling unsure...She really HAD always thought that she would be an actor. She really HAD always thought that she would be famous. Sure, she was only seventeen and thus had the rest of her life in front of her, but- “Ah well,” she thought with a sigh of resignation. “At least I am still here, at least I am here now,.” She thought firmly to herself as she pursed her lips together tight. I am still here....

Absentmindedly Kelly stared off into the distance in the bright light of her cute, cozy, bedroom. Shadows danced along the walls and played tricks with her imagination. Shaking her head again Kelly focused her eyes once more to her desk. She dropped the piece of paper which she had been holding on top of her desk as she began scanning the open space for something else. She spotted another sheet of paper that was just peeking out of the middle drawer which had been lazily left half ajar on her desk. She leaned to her left and picked up that sheet of paper as she took a breath. Smiling faintly, nervous about what she would discover, she started once more to read-

On the Acceptance of Change

She pushed her face in to her hands and took a deep breath

That's the same[she thought]

Feeling nervous

As she counted to ten

Once and again

Then looked all around

That's the same [again, she thought]

Only thing different

Were the words from the man

That stranger who knew her

But not really

But that man

With the promise of recovery

Maybe, only maybe

Nothing

But

Everything

Had changed.

Kelly reached blind for comfort

wound up with her mom

Safe strong lady

Same familiar

As she had been.

Kelly reached out

Once again to find

Her father

Standing strong

As her world came

crashing

down

as if

beneath her

On the ground-

Like the world that was crashing down

Heavy

Like

the

weight of the news

[Of the words]

From that man

The man

Who didn't

Even

Know her

but

still

told her

He still

Told her

And he told her.....

In the Shadows of what we Remember

She opened her eyes-

on that morning-

And-

She closed her eyes tight,

On that night.

The air smelled the same-

She remembered her name-

As she opened her eyes-

Closed them tight.

Kelly licked her lips then pressed them tight together as she nodded and smiled in fond agreement.. A proud smile curled her lips as she reached for another loose sheet of paper.

Invincible

She smiled to herself

As she thought about that day

but then frowned in that memory

She said, “No, it is okay.”

She thought she'd take on the world

She thought

she could control it, Yes Sir!

But she was only 16

And there is something that you all need to know

And you know that she probably should too-

She really did not

have

a clue.

Kelly groaned inwardly as her bright smile slipped away from her face. “It's only writing,” She said firmly to herself, “It's only my writing...” Feeling extra brave Kelly reached into the drawer once again. Her eyes widened as she started to read the first title...

And I-

And I didn't

Mean

to get sick

Like the flu

Wish it was

Something as simple

And

Sick

like

The flu.

If I would have known

all the things

I know now

Then I would never

have ever

gotten

Sick

Like the flu

Oh I wish

It was that simple

And easy

Like

The flu

we all get it

then we lose it

Like a cold

Or a dollar

Or the flu

Like the flu.

Kelly puffed out her chest in justified indignation as she completed reading that poem. She half-heartedly, almost dejectedly, reached for another sheet of paper and clenched her teeth, but not in a bad way, as she began to read.

Beautiful,

This book

it goes out

to all the

lost people

here crying and wishing

that things

would get

better.

This is a story

for all the young people

Who may have been beaten

back

or hurt real bad

before

Maybe

take solace

in reading

these future poems

so that you will know

in your hearts

you are not

alone

maybe some

will like to

see that

they are -

not alone

In a world that tries to

take and shape

your every feature

You are you

and beautiful

as you

so please know that

you're not

alone.

Kelly shivered as she finished this poem and took a deep breath as she reached for the next-

The thing that is most Important: Always

Always love

“But he's a Doctor,” The words Haunted Kelly's ears, taunted Kelly's ears-

“And he's your father,” Kelly closed her eyes tight against tears. “He has devoted his entire life to helping others, caring for others, how could you expect him to wish to do anything less for you?” Her mother's voice took on a shrill edge as she finished asking that question.

The question that turned Kelly s once wet mouth dry. She felt her heart rise to her throat as she purposefully kept her eyes closed, tight. “He loves you,” the voice kept talking...”He loves you.” Kelly nodded in firm agreement as she bit her lip now in pointed concentration. With her eyes lowered steadily to the ground Kelly sat in silence and just listened. Kelly sat in silence as she let the words roll out of her mother's mouth, into her ears, off of her back but most stabbed deep to her heart...

Loss of Innocence

What's happened to all

Those childhood years

When the dark was one of your

Biggest Fears?

And all you had to do

To make things right

Was to have your parents

Plug in the night light.

When storks still

Delivered babies

And you’d never heard the words

Flirt, s**t or tease.

When tears would come only

When you'd trip and fall.

And your biggest worry was

Who took your favorite doll.

As you grow up

She thought

Priorities change

And everything you once knew

was somehow rearranged

And it seems like life's

gotten so much harder

It is like you are always

playing the martyr.

She thought

As you grow up

So much energy is spent

As you're thrown to the real world

o longer

Innocent.

Kelly sucked in her breath hard as she finished reading...

As she finished that poem she gently rubbed her eyes. She bit her bottom lip and took a slow deep breath.

Kelly looked at that smudged faded, worn out piece of paper that she held unconsciously very tightly in her hand. She blinked against the sharp cold of a breeze stinging her face as she tensed her shoulders and looked down again.

Faint distant memories were taunting her mind, attempting to creep in to her thoughts, but she closed her eyes and shook her head against it. She knew that she could remember, but she took another breath and told herself no.

Kelly tried once again to remember that poem;

She stared wide eyed at the paper for a little bit longer, perplexed. She chewed thoughtfully on her bottom lip and squinted at the writing once more. How could she have written this? She shook her head twice and shrugged. “I had no clue then,” She groaned inwardly to herself and rolled her eyes. “I really did not have a clue,” She sighed heavily i again Kelly shook her head and carefully readjusted her position once again.

Lost in thought, Kelly tried to regain her composure as memories threatened to overtake her. Staring to the far wall she tried to still the angry sigh as she recalled his brief, harsh words. Just an innocent statement, just two cool,easy phrases.. Six words, six words, six words on to sixteen, but only six words. the words that would stay with her forever, the words that changed what she knew...

“We can hope for the best, there are no guarantees that she will ever see again” The doctor's words stole my breath away on that day in mid march. His words of treatment and time frames and success rates all blurred together. The emotion buried deep in my parents voices made my heart shake. I blinked back tears and put on a strong face. I tuned out what the doctor was saying, tried like hell to make it go away, but was brought back to reality when I felt the soft touch of his hand on my own. I offered another tentative, brave smile and thought....

Instead

I don't want to have to be strong anymore

This burden is heavy and my arms are weak.

Biting my lip and clenching my teeth

So that I won't cry

Hold it all inside.

I’m wanting to fall, don't remember how

I look around and I realize that

I am already there.

Locking monsters tight in my head

I choke on my tears

But then swallow- Instead.

All Turned Around

When she'd turn right it shoulda been left and up was down and down was up she's there spinning in the middle trying desperate to hold on

see tears falling, hear pain screaming

as she's wanting

to get off

of this world spinning

this girl spinning

hear her calling

let her off

Just please oh please

let her off-

Faster

The voices are chasing

taunting and teasing

why don’t you just quit?

You're not that strong little girl.

The voices keep taunting

But I just keep walking

They lose all their power

s I grit my teeth.

“Get back, stay away, I don’t quit, save your breath. Giving up isn't me get back stay

far from me.

The voices get weaker

They lose all their power

They vanish they're gone now

As I grit my teeth

As I grit my teeth I

remember I'm stronger

than any of them calling

than anybody still.

Unspoken Fear

What if it never stops changing?

What if it never gets right?

What if I’m always here, waiting?

What if it never gets right.

I've been crying and trying

and praying and waiting

for so many years now

gone on

I must have screwed up

to deserve this

I must have really messed up

and done wrong

if I was just doing it right

I’d be better

it’d be different

But it wasn't.

Something

Said something

Went wrong.

Kelly wrinkled her nose and closed her eyes to the dampness that she felt. It's OK though, she thought, she thought, it is all okay....

Kelly smiled weakly to herself again as she picked up another sheet of paper and nodded to herself once more and then began to read.

Hear Everyone Else Talking

And she's telling her that she has missed it

So formal

She's telling her that she's missed out

she remembers the card

shakes her head

bites her lip

don’t be sad

don’t be sad...

she sees the words-

It read-

Don't be sad

That school has passed

just be glad

they passed your a*s

and she wondered if maybe

she missed it

she had thought that a joke

just a joke

but this woman

now she's told her

she has missed it

that she missed it

feel uneasy

she felt uneasy

now.

now she's chewin her lip

and she's wondering why

that lady would tell her

that stuff

make her cry

See

She's chewing her lip

and shes wondering why

That woman would tell her that stuff

make her cry.

'some people,' Kelly thought bitterly, taking another breath...'some people” she thought again, through clenched teeth

When Does Denial Stop And Acceptance Set In?

Are we aware of the transformation, change?

What separates what s real whats not

what makes it real

what makes it not

and why do we have to

choose which way to be.

To deny that there’s a problems

makes the reality fade away

and to claim that there's a problem

makes reality bite your face

so is there a balance

and if so

where

its a thin line

its a fine line

make your choice

come on

i dare-

you-

to teeter and totter on this rope

this fragile rope

called life

if you turn the wrong way

then no more

but if you turn the right way

that’s life

so if you teeter

and totter

on this tightrope

called life

between acceptance

denial

and all that

someday you might

get it right

Kelly shook her head and stretched her arms out wide. She had been hunched over reading for what seemed like- forever. She was trying to remember if there was anything else that she should have been doing, but, unable to come with an answer, she picked up another sheet of paper now, instead.

Smiling when she read the title she let out a short chuckle, almost a laugh.

“THUMP!

“Well, now, that was a surprise” She thought

As her legs flew out

From beneath her.

With the wind at her back and the sun in her hair

She was flying through the nevers

Until thump

She shook her head

As she straightened herself

Upright

shaking dust from her face

And her hands

She looked around shocked

Again

Never knowing what had stopped her

Til

She looked down once again and said

Aha!

It was that piece of dust

Must have caught my eye just right

As my legs heeded the warning

And GAVE OUT.

It's these little unexpected journeys

That will take us through this life

Each day

as you walk

and run

and walk

and THUMP!

Each day

And gain.

My goodness, Kelly thought quietly to herself, my goodness.

Kelly leaned her head against the the back of her chair as she took a nervous breath again as she started to read once more.

Soar

If you step out

If you try

You may fall down

I won't lie

But if you step out

If you soar

You might be better

than before

So baby, step out

And baby, please try

The things that you see

just might be-

just might be-

all that you wanted

all that you want

all that you've ever wanted

and all

that you need.

Kelly kept on smiling as Kelly kept on reading-

Daddy said

She shut her eyes

and counted to ten

just like her daddy’s

always told her

when something's scary

or something's bad

just close your eyes

take a breath

and

count to ten

New Day

Day comes in

And Day falls out

Each Day that comes

She sucks in her breath

thoughtful

Chews on her bottom lip

so thoughtful

Breathes in doubt

Feels it burn

in her nose-

in her throat

She

Spits it out

glares ahead

focused

focus

she clenched her fists

in her pockets

in fearful anger

She tightened her grip

excited

in

hope

for

a better

day.

Images and memories of Rob flooded her mind now. He had always been the one to mumble hopeful to her about a new day, always a NEW DAY....Rob...One of the ones who had stood by her. Rob, one of the ones who stayed...

Kelly took a breath and licked her lips. She ran her hand across her face then blew her nose. She put the paper down, very neatly in front of her on her desk. She nodded to herself as though she was having a conversation, reading all of these poems again filled her with a feelings of sadness, accomplishment, and dry pride. Kelly adjusted her weight in the wheelchair once more and reached to her right in order to turn out the desk lamp.

“I wonder if I was supposed to be doing something right now-”{Kelly thought to herself again. She had a nagging feeling that perhaps she was forgetting something really important, something that she had promised somebody that she would do-0...She shrugged her shoulders and started to push herself across the room when-

“Hey, baby?” Kelly jerked with surprise of the voice of another human being. She had been immersed in her collection of papers for so long that she had not only lost tract of time, but also had lost track of the fact that her boyfriend Scott, was going to be there to pick her up around 3 pm. “Oh my gosh, Rob,” She mumbled in embarrassed surprise. “It is so good to uh, I was just uh, I am sorry I uh” Rob laughed and threw his arm around her shoulder. “It’s OK honey, it's okay.” Kelly smiled up at him in innocent admiration as she felt her cheeks flush, again.

“I was just-” Rob’s gaze followed her gesture to the hundreds of loose papers sprawled out over her desk and nodded in silent understanding. He stood steady at her back and reached around and hugged her once again. “So, how's my baby?” He asked, but he already knew the answer. He had never read any of Kelly's poetry but she had mentioned it to him before. Bending down to kiss her on the top of the head he touched her arm, again. “Maybe someday I can see some of that, Kell, maybe someday you will let me...” And Kelly flinched with that suggestion but then started to slowly smile.

Maybe someday.” She said quietly in return, “Maybe someday.” “But for now....My words are safe with me and, hum......with me.” Rob nodded in agreement again and looked toward the door. “Shall we?: He asked. Kelly nodded and Rob took the appropriate position behind her and started to push her chair forward. Kelly loved that he didn't seem to mind. Kelly loved that he only saw her, that he never, ever questioned. Kelly smiled to herself again as she shook her head and shrugged off all of the memories she had just relived. Rob was there now, Rob was the kind of person that she needed in he life, because Rob saw, and loved, her.