Ranting as a therapy

  I don't have someone to talk to about this so here I come to type it out online for myself anonymously. like a little journal. 

Life is becoming meaningless, I know its not. I know life is full of beautiful people, dancing, singing, all the things that make me feel alive are now just desperate attempts to not lose myself. Like I'm alone on a capsizing ship and pathetically throwing out cups of water just to prolong the inevitable. I can't keep myself afloat. 

Everything is dimming I really don't know how much longer I can hold this out, I really need help this time because now I don't even care to ask for help and that scares me.

 I will just accept that I'm going to burn myself out, that I'll either relapse and overdose or just wait patiently for death. 

I don't think I want to kill myself, I don't think things like that should be in my hand. I used to think that way a lot. But it seems so selfish. But sometimes I admit I like to risk that, poking the bear to see if it will bite this time.

 I live in a city area, so I'll go out with no phone, no coat in the freezing weather just to see if maybe I can test it. 

I know people will miss me, but honestly I feel I have given so much of myself to people that maybe I'll just live on their hearts and that's enough for me. I do feel guilty about the pain I would cause though. I really am trying to hold on, I just don't think there won't be any understanding of how hard I'm trying and distracting myself for others. 

Because I genuinely don't care about myself, I care about others. People make me smile, but I rarely want people to linger around and get depressed to see what state I'm truly in.  

Work has become my last and final joy, which makes me sad if I think about it long enough. I only get joy from distracting myself by something productive. I bartend, and I get to see small glimpses of other people's lives for short periods of time. Travelers, families, friends, it makes me happy to see them and make small talk. Perfect for non-lingering.

 I will never see them again. I said before, I don't like people lingering around, I'm afraid I'll make them sad. 

I feel a lot of guilt. There's a lot of things I need to make right, a lot of internal debt I think I need to pay to make up for the way I was years ago. There's a lot of suffering in the world, and each person suffers. It makes me sad to see all those people suffer. I remember even just a smile then was enough to make my day. I hope I make many more people's day even to help the tiniest. 

I hope someone will do the same for me again soon. if that's too selfish to ask, which I sometimes think it is, I think I would just rather lock myself deep inside and keep risking life. its so beautiful