Universe

Universe

A Poem by LazerRays

If not you, who will remember my dreams-? 
When I lay in lifeless December streams,  
Eyes closed in slumber, tell me what does life mean? 
There has to be more than the universe deems!  

Come lay with me on the frost-kissed ground- 
A night world broken; sadly crying in sound,
 Can you hear them whisper in the air all around? 
Like faded faces who longed to be found-  

Someday we'll burn off like the stars- 
Those we long to be close are getting too far- 
Will we keep viewing life as a bursting quasar-? 
Feeding on energy until it tears us apart? 

 Will the Universe keep going; keep moving on-? 
When death comes for me- will I truly be gone?

© 2022 LazerRays


Author's Note

LazerRays
Life after death- hm.

Saree (Ray) :

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Reviews

' Will the Universe keep going; keep moving on-?
When death comes for me- will I truly be gone? '

Asking questions in your kind of way is bound to fall into its own haphazard form some time, one day, who knows when! There's music in the lie of your words, start to finish, even though to date, there's no finale! Not sure we'll ever find out anyway because when it does, we might not be around!

Your thinking is a gentle finatic with a mighty mix, LazerRays - as you intended. Great job done.

Posted 8 Months Ago


Stanza 1: The question in the first line grabs and each line carries the reader to the next seamlessly. I am intrigued by "December streams" and "Eyes closed in slumber" helps me see the stanza as one thought since it reminds me of the first line. I do think the need to make each line ryhme actually may take away from the overall feel. I think using internal ryhmes throughout the stanza would be more effective.

Stanza 2: Doesn't break from the theme and keeps the overall tone, but it is a welcome change with less passive language. "lay with me" and "frost-kissed-ground" feels intimate and that intimacy is felt in the proceeding lines. I would say that, like the first stanza, Focusing less on end rhymes would make this feel more real.

Stanza 3: The meter is the hero in this stanza. It really shows itself when we get into the second line. The concept in the first line is evoking and overall the whole stanza may be the most evoking in the whole poem in my opinion. The end rhymes get in the way again but I love the wordchoice.

Stanza 4: The last couplet is a good summation but I do believe its end ryhmes would hit harder if they stood out as different from the other stanzas. If you focused more on internal rhymes throughout the poem and ended with end ryhmes I believe it may have a greater affect.

The content of the poem is ethereal and your word choice, evoking imagery of sleep, winter, and space aid the overall theme. I love the tone and your wordchoice and thoroughly enjoyed the read!

Posted 1 Year Ago


We are never trull gone for our soul will never die. it sprints in the hearts of loved ones. A really great poem.

Posted 2 Years Ago


introspective and oh the questions we drown ourselves in. I try not to but then what kind of expressionist would I be and I would never pick up a pen again. Lovely poem and I enjoyed it very much, keep asking the questions and write of them. We will all eventually know and can discuss it in the next life and probably laugh about it.

Posted 3 Years Ago


I think we all reflectt on what we leave behind when we cross over. I know I do often,

Posted 3 Years Ago


The million dollar question. What happens when we die? This is beautifully penned, a lovely composition. Well penned Saree.

Chris

Posted 3 Years Ago


LazerRays

3 Years Ago

Thank you so much!
Wow, Saree, you've really painted a picture here! I think the last two lines might be my favorite, "Will the Universe keep going; keep moving on-?
When death comes for me- will I truly be gone?"
SOOOO GOOOD!! I like the rhyming too! I could tell you were really deep in thought when you wrote this piece! Fantabulous job!! 100/100

Posted 3 Years Ago


LazerRays

3 Years Ago

Thank you so much Nix, i see you around my profile a lot which makes me happy. Always a pleasure whe.. read more
Nix is typing...

3 Years Ago

Well? What can I say :)? I admire your work. I like the way you write. :) It's so deep and personal.
This is beautiful and has such great rhyme and flow. Really beautiful to read and soak in.

Posted 3 Years Ago


LazerRays

3 Years Ago

Thank you :)))
I enjoyed the rhyme scheme, the flow is spot on, quite an emotional read though

Posted 3 Years Ago


LazerRays

3 Years Ago

Thank you Kim
I get board of reading s**t got anything that doesn't belong in the trash?

Posted 3 Years Ago


The dark Hydra

3 Years Ago

Haven't decide yet if y'all a******s or if I'm just not getting some magical point cus I see a lot o.. read more
LazerRays

3 Years Ago

You dont have to apologize hydra lol. And okay
LazerRays

3 Years Ago

We had a good slam fight, so I wouldn't call me a b***h. We're both slam poets, let's focus on that

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21 Reviews
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Shelved in 1 Library
Added on September 18, 2019
Last Updated on April 19, 2022

Author

LazerRays
LazerRays

Spit truth, bleed emotion, fight for love, hold to your morals



About
Old username: Sarah_Allen_Poe am a former stimulant addict who has found new life and meaning through psychedelics. I enjoy late night longboarding, cooking, astronomy, DDR, retro video .. more..

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