' Will the Universe keep going; keep moving on-?
When death comes for me- will I truly be gone? '
Asking questions in your kind of way is bound to fall into its own haphazard form some time, one day, who knows when! There's music in the lie of your words, start to finish, even though to date, there's no finale! Not sure we'll ever find out anyway because when it does, we might not be around!
Your thinking is a gentle finatic with a mighty mix, LazerRays - as you intended. Great job done.
Stanza 1: The question in the first line grabs and each line carries the reader to the next seamlessly. I am intrigued by "December streams" and "Eyes closed in slumber" helps me see the stanza as one thought since it reminds me of the first line. I do think the need to make each line ryhme actually may take away from the overall feel. I think using internal ryhmes throughout the stanza would be more effective.
Stanza 2: Doesn't break from the theme and keeps the overall tone, but it is a welcome change with less passive language. "lay with me" and "frost-kissed-ground" feels intimate and that intimacy is felt in the proceeding lines. I would say that, like the first stanza, Focusing less on end rhymes would make this feel more real.
Stanza 3: The meter is the hero in this stanza. It really shows itself when we get into the second line. The concept in the first line is evoking and overall the whole stanza may be the most evoking in the whole poem in my opinion. The end rhymes get in the way again but I love the wordchoice.
Stanza 4: The last couplet is a good summation but I do believe its end ryhmes would hit harder if they stood out as different from the other stanzas. If you focused more on internal rhymes throughout the poem and ended with end ryhmes I believe it may have a greater affect.
The content of the poem is ethereal and your word choice, evoking imagery of sleep, winter, and space aid the overall theme. I love the tone and your wordchoice and thoroughly enjoyed the read!
introspective and oh the questions we drown ourselves in. I try not to but then what kind of expressionist would I be and I would never pick up a pen again. Lovely poem and I enjoyed it very much, keep asking the questions and write of them. We will all eventually know and can discuss it in the next life and probably laugh about it.
Wow, Saree, you've really painted a picture here! I think the last two lines might be my favorite, "Will the Universe keep going; keep moving on-?
When death comes for me- will I truly be gone?"
SOOOO GOOOD!! I like the rhyming too! I could tell you were really deep in thought when you wrote this piece! Fantabulous job!! 100/100
Posted 3 Years Ago
3 Years Ago
Thank you so much Nix, i see you around my profile a lot which makes me happy. Always a pleasure whe.. read moreThank you so much Nix, i see you around my profile a lot which makes me happy. Always a pleasure when a person can tell what state the author was in. I definitely was in deep
3 Years Ago
Well? What can I say :)? I admire your work. I like the way you write. :) It's so deep and personal.
I get board of reading s**t got anything that doesn't belong in the trash?
Posted 3 Years Ago
3 Years Ago
Yeh got one just for you:
"suck it"
Rate my TEDtalk
3 Years Ago
@The Dark Hydra OH MY F*****G GOD, WHY DOES YOUR NASTY A*S HAVE TO TROLL ON EVERYONE'S F*****G WORK?.. read more@The Dark Hydra OH MY F*****G GOD, WHY DOES YOUR NASTY A*S HAVE TO TROLL ON EVERYONE'S F*****G WORK?! WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU??? You need to resolve those damn issues you got going on at home somewhere else! THEN GO TO F*****G SCHOOL BECAUSE YOUR GRAMMAR AND YOUR SPELLING SUCKS MAJOR BOOTYHOLE!!! Also, smartass, you spelled "Bored" wrong.
3 Years Ago
Hahaha @Nix, did he troll you too? I find it funny to be honest. So I call him a friend. I don't min.. read moreHahaha @Nix, did he troll you too? I find it funny to be honest. So I call him a friend. I don't mind the troll, thanks tho. :)))
3 Years Ago
Lol, okay then. No, he hasn't trolled me, YET. But I've seen him on other things, trolling a shitton.. read moreLol, okay then. No, he hasn't trolled me, YET. But I've seen him on other things, trolling a shitton of other people. I just...I dunno I think you're cool, so I was just kinda tryna stand up for you? I know you probably don't need it Ray, but I just felt the need. :) If you've seen the recent poems I posted, you'd know why I felt the need to stand up, yanno?
3 Years Ago
I haven't seen them but I definitely will. Thanks for thinking I'm cool, I think you're cool too. Th.. read moreI haven't seen them but I definitely will. Thanks for thinking I'm cool, I think you're cool too. Thanks for standing up for me. Me and the hydra kinda go back, so I know what they're feeling rn. I don't agree with their trolling but I can't do anything about it
3 Years Ago
Ahhh, I gotchu. And thanks! I'll put my word ammunition away. For now. I just don't like it when peo.. read moreAhhh, I gotchu. And thanks! I'll put my word ammunition away. For now. I just don't like it when people troll others because they got other s**t going on in their lives that makes them unhappy. It makes me mad.
Haven't decide yet if y'all a******s or if I'm just not getting some magical point cus I see a lot o.. read moreHaven't decide yet if y'all a******s or if I'm just not getting some magical point cus I see a lot of b*****s up in here bitchin bout the biggest b***h in here (sorry saree).
3 Years Ago
You dont have to apologize hydra lol. And okay
3 Years Ago
We had a good slam fight, so I wouldn't call me a b***h. We're both slam poets, let's focus on that
Spit truth, bleed emotion, fight for love, hold to your morals
About
Old username: Sarah_Allen_Poe
am a former stimulant addict who has found new life and meaning through psychedelics. I enjoy late night longboarding, cooking, astronomy, DDR, retro video .. more..