Self-Destruct

About breaking down in self destruction mode... Based on true event

I screamed and no one heard me,

I bled and no one prayed for me, 

I choked and only suffocated, 

Banned and only isolated, 

Devastated, 

Pressured to be obedient, 

Forcing myself to believe in it,

 Going insane from the hourglass,  

Building up with sand of distress,   

My life is self destructing! 

And everything is crumbling,  

I'm screaming! 

Can you see me?  

Deep breathing, receding,  

In and out, in and out- 

Don't panic, alarms bleeding- 

Keep breathing-! 

People like you get what they want, 

People like me keep falling apart, 

My heart-! In pieces and parts!  

Clutching my chest in agony, 

Knees on the floor- mind queasy- 

Breathe into me! 

Who am I anymore?  

My face has faded! 

Soul and mind degraded, 

Dissipated!

God!  

I'm just a mania, deforming, 

Slave to the show I'm performing! 

The blood and rage before me- 

Explore me!

I'm exploding into something else! 

Dear Lord,  

Let me destroy myself!  

 If only I knew how to re-construct... 

When I hit self destruct...

Author's Note

Haven't been on lately... Too much has happened...

Reviews

[Kesch (Finding Julia)]

This is so amazing and kinda powerful as well, very creative.

[LazerRays]

Thank you, and poetry itself is creative, isn't it? ;)

[Kesch (Finding Julia)]

yes it is....

[LazerRays]

Which means you're pretty creative too :)

[Rye]

This is such a powerful write here, so emotional as well

[LazerRays]

Thank you :)

[Christian]

Wow...this was powerful. Especially with the directions my own writing has been going currently haha. As always you're poetry is amazing and emotion filled. I can definitely tell poetry is your outlet and never let go of it. Actually had me thinking it was a metal song after a few times reading it. Can't wait for more.

[LazerRays]

Thank you!!!! I imagine the words in a breakdown tone. In some places, I'm screaming, on my knees in tears! Thank you for stopping by! God bless ;)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i am thinking Plath here...only her cries were more subtle...this is an all-out scream for help...
and is quite powerful...sounds like the "too much" was not good...but this is a great way to vent---
and such a result...
j.

[LazerRays]

Thank you Jacob, my outward appearance is subtle but I do like to scream on paper. Though the pens I use must be afraid of me by now. Haha. Nice to see you again, and just escaping the madness here!

[emipoemi]

No kidding "too much has happened" - WHERE THE HECK DID THIS COME FROM!!!!!!! This is amazing! You need to go back and tweak some minor technicalities and do some necessary line breaking for emphasis before this wouldn't become the epitome of perfection (I can help you if you really need it). But at first read......holy kwap!! I have no words.....my voice is in my freaking awe!! The flow, the sound work, the message - AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had written a similar piece called "Pesadumbre", which to this day I hold has my most powerful piece emotionally. But I think you topped it with this (it's on par right now because of your little errors, which should be fixed, but fix them, and you would have the better version of this thematic poem). Freaking Whaaaaaat!!!!!! Way - to Go! This is your bar. Now you gotta try to top this! Well done!

[LazerRays]

Thanks I'd be more than honored for your opinion to improve this. And I'm beyond words at your review, it's been a rough time lately and mt life did feel on self destruct. I may not be able to make those changes right away due to crazy life right now, but I promise I'll revise this

[emipoemi]

take it from someone who has spent the last 17 years in the shadows of solitude and misunderstanding. I'm still trying to find the light, and that poem, "Pesadumbre" was written when the knife was literally in my hands (as far as metaphors go). I was ready to call it quits, but poetry saved me. I just poured out my soul, and I now refer to that poem whenever I'm really down and realize that my present setback is not rock bottom. The time of "Pesadumbre" was rock bottom. But whenever I'm down I just write about it and it saves my life.

[LazerRays]

Hey, I get that; I wrote this after a suicide attempt recently... That's why I haven't been on... And I found that writing is my safe place, away from the madness of therapy and crisis wokers trying to pick apart your head to see how you think...

[emipoemi]

next time you have those feelings, just message me.....I've been there. I know what it means to feel down ;)

[LazerRays]

Yeah I will, haha, we'll talk soon :)

[emipoemi]

righto. Anyway, as for the mistakes, pay attention:

- Stanza 2: "Pressure on me to obedient" - "obedient" is an adjective not the noun ("obedience"). But since the noun won't work with the brilliant web of sound work you have going on there, best reword the line as such: "Pressured to be obedient"; Line 4 is also a bit awkward, and I would advise a direct transition from Line 3. So get rid of the comma, and go directly into the fourth line somewhat like this: "That builds up with the sands of distress" (or "sadness", whichever to better complement "hourglass" as "hurt" doesn't work so well there).

- why did you de-isolate "my life is self destructing"? It's perfect in isolation.

- "ripping *inTO parts" which doesn't work with the musicality, so I would advise something else. Like: "My heart -/In pieces and parts,/....."

- "God!" should have His own line. "I'm a mania, deforming" ("deforming" could also be on its own line to show the deformation, but that's your choice); "Slave to the SHOW I'm performing" (hit those words with a punch, and "showing" is not exactly the word you're looking for either. It's "show").

- "When I hit self-destruct" (no "the" needed); and then repeat the isolated line:
"For my life is self-destructing"

You actually fixed a bunch of errors I had caught upon first read, so way to go there (good eye!), but those are the ones you missed. This is your bar, Sarah, as I said. Now it's your challenge as a poet to try to top it

[emipoemi]

*you might also consider: "Dear Lord,/"Let me destroy myself" (as line breaks help with the emphasis of it all. You can say far more with a line break or stanza break than with words). This is your choice, though.

[LazerRays]

Oh thanks, I noticed a couple of those problems were autocorrect XD (showing) hahaha! Thank you!

[emipoemi]

my pleasure.

try to find another way to do the "ripping" line, because you just made it worse. Those verbs require "into" to make sense, and the "ripping" - "breaking" progression doesn't sound good at all, nor does it help the musicality. You don't need to say so much to get your message across (or to paint your image). That's the beauty of line breaks and punctuation (kind of why I had suggested what I did).

You also missed: "PressureD to be obedient" (gotta have that "d" there), and the isolation of the line you had isolated before and its suggested repetition, which is really going to throw it over the top. Trust me on this.