Realization

I only forgave you because I can't stand not having you in my life, but then I realized that no matter how hard I try, after it's all said and done, it is bound not to turn out the way I had planned. And I have realized that no matter how hard I try to make it all better, some things are bound to get worse. And some people, I am bound to lose, you being one of them, regardless of how hard I tried to keep you with me. And it's hard being given advice from you along the lines of; "if it really didn't matter, Sara, you wouldnt be spending so much time thinking about it." And then realizing when you decided to live in the background of my life, that that advice, relates to you. And I try so hard to find a reason to believe that I can keep going. because when I gave you the role of being the most important person in my life, and you fulfilled it and then just backed away, it hurt to know that no one can fill it anymore. So the void just hurts me even more, and the pain I have peeks in at me when I least expect it, and that is when it hurts the most. but I admired you for your strengths, and loved you for your imperfections, therefore, no, I don't admire you anymore because becoming a bystander in my life, was very weak of you. But I still love you because this was by far your biggest imperfection yet. And now I realize that I had something to call mine, and I lost it, never to get it back again. But I keep walking, knowing that you might see me someday, and if I show that something is wrong, and you ask what is it, I know that you are my biggest problem right now. I want you to think that I can live peacefully and stabily without you. And basically what I have learned from the whole situation is this; "You change for two reasons, either that you have learned enough, that you want to - or that you have been hurt so much, that you have to."