Colorless Light

A poem about THAT kind of nights. P.S. Edited the 4th paragraph. Thanks to Jake for the suggestion.

 Colorless Light

 

With such gentle weepings, falling tears

Surrounded by all my childish fears

As I stare at the dirty white

Of a soul that is no longer bright

 

I let the ink darken a page

With thoughts escaped from a broken cage.

A trail of false innocence is left behind

Covered by the fallen leaves of my late grind.

 

So fragile, quietly writing, 

I am trembling and rotting

Under the stars of an unforgiving sky

That burns away all my harmless lies.

 

But in that moment of chilling fright, 

I am touched by horrid delight

And I cling to my fainting sanity, 

To discern illusion from reality.

 

“Who am I ?” I ask again, 

Disturbed by an oppressive pain.

But there is no sign of an answer tonight

As I lay all alone in this colorless light.                        

Author's Note

Constructive criticism is always welcome! This is a re-work of my previous poem (entitled "Colorless Night"), and a shot at improving. Please tell me what you think about it, I really appreciate it. :)
P.S. I edited the 4th paragraph. Thanks to Jake for the suggestion. :)

Reviews

[V]

I think I even liked your first version more than this one though still a nicely written poem. I feel there are some lines reading a tiny little bit clumsy when it comes to flow in this one...and I have to admit that colorless night as a title for your poem reads better to me than light, though that's only my personal opinion.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

Changed the title so it could coincide with the last words of the poem. I really appreciate your reviews. :)

[V]

You're welcome. I try to be honest and also a little constructive.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

That's to be appreciated. Constructive remarks are always welcome, that's how we improve :)

[V]

Indeed.....

[iamshadowine]

This is definitely a perfect edited version of your previous version! i loved it!
"I let the ink darken a page
With thoughts escaped from a broken cage."

these are my favourite lines at the moment!
keep writing :D

[Marcus Sergiu David]

That means a lot to me, thank you for your review ^~^

[Jake]

So, I came back to this :) ... A few days later than I said I would, but hey. First thing I picked up: "As I stare at the dirty white" - remove the "AS" ... "I let the ink darken the page" - The ink darkens the page ... or even Black-blue ink darkens the page ... yes, the latter, it rings better. Rest has a true ring to it as far as I can tell! It's getting much much better, just those darn tiny tweaks that always escapes us writers when it concerns our own work! haha. Anyway. I think this is well-written and the way you've taken criticism and adapted the work accordingly is truly the art work here - not everyone handles criticism the way you do! That's the mark of a writer, by the way!

[marcus]

I liked the first version, but this is even better!

[Marcus Sergiu David]

Thank you :)

[Jake]

Haha! You edited! Nice. It has a better ring to it already. More emotion and depth. I would say to look at the following line: "I try to discern unreal from reality." 'Unreal' doesn't fit here. It actually jerked me out of the emotion of the poem and forced me to reread it a few times. Maybe rework that paragraph to something like this: In that moment of chilling fright; I'm touched by (a) horrid delight; I cling to my fainting sanity; to discern illusion from reality. :) Hope this helps. To me this rings better.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

Thanks a lot for the suggestion. I will reformulate that in a (hopefully better) manner as soon as I can. Always appreciate constructive criticism.

Thanks again :)

[Marcus Sergiu David]

P.s. Actually edited now. Hope you like it better this time. :) Just write if you have anything else to say. Thank you :)

[Jake]

Good, now it has a better flow. Give me a day or two break from it so I can view it with fresh eyes again. If there's anything I pick up then I'll let you know!

[Marcus Sergiu David]

Very well. :) Thanks a lot for the feedback and tips.

[alifeacoustic]

Yes, those answers are elusive indeed. Some great lines here, with a really nice flow... A soul that is no longer bright says much more than what just one line should. I really like the perspective youve tsken on this.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

Glad you liked it, and thanks for the kind words. :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

the ink might darken the page, but it helps lighten the mood of the poet...just to get it out.

and the answers don't come all at once...but by writing it out, we can reflect ...like looking into a mirror and seeing inside ourselves.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

True words as always, Jacob! :) Thanks for reading this.