Colorless Night

This is just about how I feel sometimes. Far too often I stand up late working on different things. Sometimes, I just need a break.

Colorless Night

 

With gentle weepings and falling tears

And surrounded by my childish fears

I stare at the dirty white

Of a soul no longer bright.

 

So fragile, quietly writing,

I am trembling and rotting

Under the stars of an unforgiving sky

That burns away all my harmless lies.

 

“Who am I ?” I ask again,

Disturbed by an oppressive pain.

But there is no sign of an answer tonight

As I lay all alone in a colorless night.

Author's Note

This is my first post here, and my first poem. Feel free to correct any of my grammar mistakes or that sort of stuff. I am open to suggestions. :) Also, I don't know how well the formating is.

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

poetic license for "lay" in the last line....this poem disturbs me...something my students and i were talking about in a recent class...just how young people have to grow up way too fast in this new world of ours...they get little chance to just be kids...life throws so many curves at a very early age.

j.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

I am afraid I don't really know what poetic license is. Could you shortly explain what you meant with that? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

Now, on the subject of young people growing up way too fast. I agree, my childhood is/was very different than the childhood of my parents. Many factors contributed to this.

Also, thanks a lot for the review. I await your response to my question above. :)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

it's a poetic thing...allowing poets to use improper grammar in some cases because it fits better...should grammatically be "lie" but "lay" works and sounds better...

many of the old rock songs would use it....bob dylan, especially...it is an "art" expression...
poets also use spellings that don't exist sometimes, or just make up words...but in our art is acceptable...

[Marcus Sergiu David]

I didn't actually realise it was improper grammar. It sounded right that way to me, so I went with that. Thanks for info.

[V]

This is pretty good for a first poem and even for your age. Nice choice of words (I am amazed at your English skills) I think this one reminds me a tad of one of my very old poem regarding style and content.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

I have a newer version of this posted, if you wanna check it out. Thanks a lot for the review. "even for your age" judge my writing as any other, don't let age change any opinion, please :) Also, I would love to read that poem you were mentioning. Do you have a link to it or anything like that?

[V]

No, I have already got rid of it as I frequently delete writings I cannot identify myself with anymore. I need this to cleanse my mind and to grow. I just meant to say that usually good writers are a little older for their experiences in life shine through their writings, most of young people do not have experienced a lot therefore their writings often sound immature in a way yet you are a nice exception.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

It's true that as a (very) young person I have not experienced that much. For that reason, most of my writing might be a little exaggerated, but teens can experience even small "events" as being meaningful, for that in their mind this is pretty much as profound as things get.

[V]

Yes, I like this one more than the edited version, the shortness of it reads more authentic, purer in a way.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

The other one went through quite a lot of edits. Maybe that took away from its purity. Thanks for sharing your opinion on my writings :)

[V]

I think so too. It's often like this. Overediting can be somewhat destructive... You're welcome.

[iamshadowine]

this is a great piece! excellent job!
keep writing :D

[Marcus Sergiu David]

Thank you a lot. I suggest you read the newer version of this poem, I think it is a little better. :)

[Jake]

Nice writing. Check out the feedback, there's some good tips. As for me, the last lines: tonight and night. Change the last sentence to something like: As I lie alone in this colorless light. It gives a better flow since night and tonight are too close to one another :) Hope this helps!

[Marcus Sergiu David]

Thanks for reading and reviewing! :) And thank you very much for the great idea. I really didn't know what word to put in place of "night", so I posted it this way. But I think I am going to keep the "lay", and not change it to "lie". I think it sounds better. And I meant "lay" as in "sit". As I mentioned in the response to the previous review, I will post an edited version of this. :)

Thanks again.

[Jake]

Cool, looking forward to reading it!

[marcus]

I liked this, something many can relate to. Maybe perhaps you could even expand on this one a little bit, give the reader a little more. As to formatting, I am having trouble myself with that, and so don't yet feel qualified to really comment on it. Having said that though, I might do the first stanza like this :
With such gentle weepings, falling tears
Surrounded by all my childish fears
As I stare into the dirty white
Of a soul that is no longer bright.

To me this improves the flow a little. But could just be my opinion, what do you think?

[Marcus Sergiu David]

First of all, thanks a lot for the review.

I will edit the poem and post it again, so the difference can be clearly seen. Thanks for the helpful tips. As this is my first poem, I was sure it would have a lot of flaws. :) But I am here to improve. It would definitely flow better the way to edited it. It sounds better.

Again, thanks for reading and reviewing my poem. :)

[m.s.early]

The colorless gray helps to strengthen the expression. I'm a fan of the physical structure of a poem as well as the content. One doesn't mean much without the other and you do a good job of marrying the two together.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

Thanks a lot for kind words. I am grateful you liked it! :)

[alifeacoustic]

Impressively stated Marcus. We do live under an unforgiving sky, and fears, childish or not, feel all too real in a colourless night. Excellent.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

I thank you very much for the very kind words, and for taking the time to read and review my poem. :)

[Green]

I can totally relate with this. I spend so many nights were I just absolutely cannot sleep (and I find that there is no real reason for it either with can be slightly frustrating.) It always seems that on those nights I have the worst possible thoughts about myself and everything around me. The way you described it was not only accurate, but in a way I had never thought of before. It painted pictures that I had felt but never thought to describe. Well done.

[Marcus Sergiu David]

Thank you very much! I am happy you liked my poem. I really appreciate you took the time to read it and to write a review. You made my day. :)

[Revan Pronghorn]

While I enjoy the style of speech, what is it supposed to mean anyway? What's the message behind it?

[Marcus Sergiu David]

While it was mostly meant to be just a meditative speech with no real message, it was heavily influenced by the busy, sleepless nights everyone has from time to time.