him

 I remember when he would throw me down, and kick me, and hit me, and slap me, having 'his way' with me. I remember that each time he'd punish me for being me, he'd say that he was sorry and that he 'loves me'. Was he actually sorry? Or was it that when he would look back towards pathetic body lying on his bed, with her head crushed against a soft pillow, letting only a few tears pass through her eyes. I would pretend to be asleep so he would just stop.  I remember how warm and clammy his hands would be when he would lift his blanket off of my shoulder and rest it on my lower back. When he would trace his fingertips down the back of my neck, my shoulder blades, my spine. I remember when how gentle his hands were on the bruises he'd just marked upon my body. Then he'd lean towards the back of my ear, and kiss me as if he was kissing that of an angelic being. Was it pity? Was it remorse? Was it a sign that he actually did love me? 

 

 

 

Sometimes I go over those times. I think, "Well, maybe it was my fault." Or, "Maybe I provoked him somehow." I always blame myself. I always have. Always will. It's hard to go through a plain relationship. Having to build a strong trust for them not to hurt me, for them only to hurt me either physical, emotion, or both. Usually both. Well, you can't deal with the physical pain, without the emotional. It's a two-for-one deal. 

 

 

I try not to get into a serious relationship, but knowing myself, It's hard for me to say just a simple two letter word. One syllable. But with strong meaning. Saying "no" has always been so difficult. I could have done what all scared-for-for-their-lives women do, scream at the top of their lungs, "NO means NO!" How difficult would that have been to do that? Extremely. Who would have come? I wonder. Would anyone? Would anyone have been able to hear me? Or would it have been muffled by my own sobs, or his anguishing anger-filled screams and curses.What does it matter anyway? Should I just see that merely as the past? 

 

 

Well, one thing I've learned in my life, is that the past is never really far from the present. What you did then, reflects upon how you are now. Me, being the confused, scared of love, teenager I am, will always be a reflection of His anger. He doesn't even deserve to have a name. He was that... pathetic. Yet, I still loved him. Which makes me even more pathetic than him.

Author's Note

Past relationship

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[Lydia Wegner]

"....What you did then, reflects upon how you are now......"
I argued incessantly with my ex-boyfriend, Nick, over this matter. He insisted the past was the past, it did nothing to you in the present. I believe that the past defines who you are now.. Unless a strong change is made.


"....He was that... pathetic. Yet, I still loved him. Which makes me even more pathetic than him."
I have never been physically abused, and I am very sorry you have. But this line speaks to me in a slightly different way, it tells me about Nick and I in a way and about my very pathetic and vindictive ex, Austin..