Chasing Memories

A story of a man with amnesia atoning for mistakes he will never remember.

Falling, so fast and so far he fell, it was unknown to him when it would end, he was simply, falling, but it was anything other than simple. It was in a shrouded darkness he fell, an ominous feel prevaded the darkness, and it seeked, to destroy him. Around him there was only the darkness, only silence, an everlasting twilight, and from that silence reverberates a voice filled with malice saying, “Fame or infamy… Fame or infamy…” Stuck on repeat only to be broken with a scream. A scream that rings forth filled with pain, loss, rage, hopelessness, and fear. A scream as harrowing as a mother's wails at the loss of her child; a scream that sounds as if all angels have joined forth in an unholy, dissonant hymn that rings forth throughout all space and time. Less Like a scream and more like a lamentation for what has been but is no more, and what can never be, dread fills the darkness as no one can escape it.
Then he woke. Away went his sense of weariness, but unlike normal dreams, his dream
did not fade away, he almost wished it did for there was a lasting dread filling his heart. He looked around bewildered. He was in a white room and fear pressed the matter that he had no recollection of anything other than his dream, his terrifying dream. Within these walls he felt... trapped, but then realized, he shouldn't be, the room was perfectly inviting which made the sensation all the more confusing. He was unsure if it was only the darkness that so completely contained him. His nose twitched at the smell containing the eeriest tinge of bleach, he hesitated, “Hello” confused, his words seemingly played themselves desperately on his lips. His rigid muscles jumped as the movement of metal attracted his attention, a panel that he hadn't noticed before slid open with a polished, if not relaxed sound, a kind looking women stood in the doorway.
“We seem to have a lot to talk about Daniel.” her voice sounding smooth as if dipped in honey and kind as if it completely permeated her soul,
“I know how confusing this must be for you. I am Doctor Vanessa. You were in an accident.” she says as she steps into the room with gliding strides.
“An accident?” he asks with a puzzled look, curiosity focusing his chaotic thoughts,
“Yes and you seem to be suffering amnesia.”
“Amnesia?”
“It is a common condition after a traumatic--”
“--No No I know what amnesia is… it’s just...” his voice dropping off as he suddenly becomes absorbed by her kind looking face. There was just something… off,
“Good, so general knowledge is still intact.”
She wrote something down on a clipboard, her slender hand quick with the elegantly shaped words “Ok we will give you your background information and you're free to go but you will need to return for evaluation in two weeks”
“What? I’m free to go?” he asked quickly gathering his voice,
“Yes.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.” she says with a touch of amusement, a smile that touched her lips, and yet not a spark of it showed in her eye. He slowly gets up still wary of this strange woman with eyes that lie for their unknown reasons. He surveys his surroundings with continued confusion “Where am I?” he asked still looking around at the room.
“You are in a mental facility. Your case isn’t an immediate danger to your health so you are free to go,” the peculiar woman says with a more obvious and startlingly pleasant smile: yet still with a hint of porley hidden impatience. She hands him a file with her porcelain like hand and says, “A home and a job will be provided for you until you get back on your feet.”
“What’s with the generosity?”
“Nothing, we believe it is our duty to help our patients in their recovery.” she replies sounding genuinely faithful to her words.
He needs no further prompting and quickly heads for the door;
“Oh and don't forget you’re due back in two weeks for evaluation,” the woman tries to say, but he’s already out the door eager to rid himself of the dream like presence in the room. As he makes his way down the narrow winding and pristinely white halls, he thinks of how horrible a joke that must be now, 'Don't forget' as he contemplates this he tries to remember what happened.
His mind contains a shadow, looming, pressing down and no matter how hard he tried, he cannot pierce the veils upon the looming presents and see past the darkness. He ponders this presence in his mind as if it wasn't a part of him, a separate being entirely. A portly looking gentlemen uses his vehicle to drop Daniel off at a dark looking five story building in the middle of nowhere, alone, he was clamped in solitude, omitting the silence that he welcomed as a friend.
That night as he slept he dreamt. He was on the resistant ground, the ground was
gilded, frozen ice in all harsh comparisons to downy flake above. Behind him emanated a melodious laugh, deeply it stirred a sense of nostalgia, if only in feeling, for memories were out of reach to his grasping mind. He spun around quick on his heel, simply wishing to catch a glimpse of the pleasant creature, but the figure vanished like fog on a window pane. A misty smoke rose around him as if to choke him, then as suddenly as it had appeared; it dissipated. As the smoke fled from the world in which he was, he looked around at the changes made amidst the smoke. Into the distance he searched, and his heart throbbed, it was engulfed with what seemed to be a recently known grief. Only a few feet away there had appeared a casket, it was covered in a mantle of melancholy and tragedy. He knew not why the mere sight of it could cause him so much pain, but for some reason he felt like he could fill all the universe, drowning the planets and extinguishing the stars with his tears. This felt wrong, he knew with a horribly definite thought; it was him that should be in the casket.
He awoke drenched in both sweat and tears; the most disturbing thing was not his heart still throbbing with grief, nor the tears with their bitter sentiments stinging his cheeks. It was not the sweat that dampened his hair before running down his temples. No, the most disturbing thing, was he lacked the understanding of why. He stumbled blindly around the darkness panic nipping at his heels. He urgently flicked on the lights, but the darkness wouldn’t leave. Panic was rising in place of reason he started trembling, a tingling sensation plagued his now cold hands his head spun as he stumbled, desperately trying to control the panic consuming him. His heart racing he fell, his head painfully swimming as his breath repeatedly escaped his lungs in shallow breath, the lights dimmed with every breath he couldn't take; untill lying there, he fell unconscious.
Waking some time later the panic was gone replaced by aches filling his body, as he got up, now calm he recognised the panic rising again but this time accepted it as inevitable and left it behind. With the panic all but gone he strived to distract himself from the panicking dream. He surveyed his new home, home being what he thought was the strangest word for it. Something inside him kept telling him that home was a place to share with loved ones, but he didn't seem to have any. In a home one should not feel so alone. So alone that everything was harder, that every word spoken felt like he was shouting into a soulless cavern that never responded except only to throw his voice back at him in cruel mockery; as if his words were a joke. Not everything should seem to make him feel trapped. His mind traveling back to the dream in a calmer state he knew this ‘home’ felt like the casket amidst the formless smoke, wrong.
Standing there on the precarious edge of panic and sorrow, he stared at the file with neat letters spelling ‘Daniel’. Within him rose a deep seated yet, strangely unsure loathing. With all in the file it still felt like something was missing, he knew this life was more like the nightmares of his mind. He however, knew, he should be grateful, it was all he had, the only reality, if not the only truth he had. Within the darkness of his mind he felt like screaming in anguish over all the things unknown to him, for he knew that this couldn't be all there was in life. All this seemed as if at any moment he would wake from this and be an actual person, one who gets up goes to work comes home and maybe even share the evenings with a good company of friends and loved ones, if only he could wake up.
After two weeks he returned to the facility.
“Welcome back Daniel.” The man at the desk said in a strangely satisfied voice.
“I...I was told to come back in two weeks?” he struggled through as he started shaking in exhaustion
“Wait a moment please; Doctor Vanessa,” he says,
speaking through the intercom looking concerned at Daniel he continues “Daniel is here to see you.-- She’ll be out in just a minute” he says once again speaking to him in a quiet, cautious tone.
The doctor came forth and in her startlingly pleasant voice spoke saying,
“Ahh Daniel, welcome back, please follow me.” He hesitated, but as the tremors rocking his body got worse, he started after the Doctor. She leads him to the room he woke up in two weeks prior. She then shuts the door behind him “So how have you been?” she asks with an expression of concern, probably due to how he looked; he looked as if he just got out of bed and put on the first clothes he saw, with an unshaven face and a mess of unruly hair. Which wasn't far from the truth.
“Uhh... fine, fine” his exhaustion preventing him from focusing
“Well it says here,” she gestures to the clipboard in a smooth wave of her hand, “...that you haven't been attending work?”
“Oh, that well…” he runs his shaky fingers through his hair to stabilize them succeedingly, a habit he’d fallen to without really knowing why “...I...I don’t really think that I was cut out for that job.”
“Daniel, this is a community we all have to do our part.”
“I know... but you just expect me to go back to a normal life, I don’t know what...what
happened to me, how I got here.” his voice starting to rise as he stands and starts pacing. “It’s
not just the lack of information. I feel trapped!” his voice lowering to a barely audible whisper.
“It’s the dreams.”
“What dreams Daniel. What are you talking about?” while trying to prevent it, a note of concern still entered her voice but still hidden in her face, and behind her lying eyes.
“The dreams at night. Every night.” he sinks to his knees at her feet in despair and a longing for help. “I’ve tried to forget but I can’t ...I just can’t,” he pauses lost in thought then again resumes.
“If one can forget their entire lifetime, can one forget their dreams, their nightmares,”
he looks at her with a pleading look in his eyes “can one's mind just…just let go?”
“What happens in these dreams Daniel?”She caustically asked him as if he was the ticking bomb he felt he was.
“I think it's a past life.” he turned and looked at her and saw her crudely hide her look of
disbelief in all but her unusual eyes, seemingly the only time her lying eyes weren't hiding secrets “not mine of that I'm confident..but I know they can’t be anyone's they don’t...
coincide with the world, and even if it did, I just couldn’t believe someone, anyone could live
through so much... so much of that pain and torment.” he says getting up with his hands upon his head. “Ok, Daniel let me help you. Your mind is scrambling to find answers that aren't there and I can help with that” she presses a button on the wall, and a translucently orange bottle appeared.
“ Here take these,” as she presses the bottle of white round pills into his shaking hand. “Once a day for the next month and I promise you you’re going to be fine.” he nodded and accepted the bottle, staring at them throughout the remainder of the time.
Winding once more through the narrow pristine halls he stares down at
the bottle lost in thought, he wanders his own halls far away in his shadowed mind of sickly tricks and dark snares.

Walking home three weeks later through the misty evening fog under the endless willows reaching for him, after yet another evaluation at the facility. He saw something move “Who’s there!” he shouted, then realized he was shouting at emptiness, the same emptiness he felt.
As he continued and a woman came up out of nowhere clamped her hand over his
mouth and pulls him roughly into an ally. “Stay silent.” he nodded and she stepped back. He stared at her with a puzzled look and with that, she stepped forward with such speed he had no time to react and she embraced him, “Thank god you’re alive!”
He pushed her away and stepped back, there was hurt in her eyes of which she quickly hid, lying eyes Daniel thought still bemused in his sense of alarm.
“Daniel, it’s me Sarafel?” she stated with a questioning look, it was then he recognized her from his dreams “Sarafel?” he whispered still uncertain and she favored him with a small smile. He staggered backward “You can’t be … you’re not … it was just a dream!” he exclaimed
“What? Daniel you aren’t making any sense what’s wrong with you, you're acting as if
you’ve never seen me before?" She said in a panicked voice frantically searching his eyes, he shook his head."They got to you didn't they? Daniel what is the earliest thing you remember?"
"Waking up. That is the earliest, the only thing I remember." He stated blatantly as if
commenting a stranger's misfortune but inside ran a river of thick, and burning hatred of the nightmares given to him as reality.
"Damn it! You're just like the others." Her sudden outburst startled him as she quickly said something into an intercom at her wrist "Come with me." She grabs his arm and starts pulling him farther down the alley but his feet stay planted,
"Daniel we don't have time for this," she looks him dead in the eyes and asks a simple question, "do you trust me?" And yet she could have asked for the world and it would have been easier.


“Let me out!” he screamed and screamed but no one came, and no one heard. He
struggled at his restraints hoping days of persistence was enough to break the bindings, but
they were more likely doing damage to him as they held fast, seeming as reluctant as ever to
relinquish his limbs.
“Well, well it’s good to see you again Daniel.”
“You did this! You!” he screamed at her. “Get out! Go away!” He struggled, wrenching
at his restraints.
“Oh Daniel, you brought this on yourself you know. You should have taken the pills and
all this would have washed away, all those bad memories, and this would have never
happened, you would have gone about your new life, you would have been an amazing person,
your whole little world would have been perfect but I knew.” She said with a growing malice. “As
soon as I saw you again, I knew you could tell who I really was, and you just sealed the deal with your answer.” she smirked. “Now enough time has been wasted already. It took us a while to get to you, the memory wipe you developed wasn't permanent and the pills would have made you stay in a more confused state as the memories returned. You would have been far more susceptible to interrogation and we could have just plucked the information from your helpless mind and then you would have lived on in your little perfect world but no, you had to meddle." She said looking at him with hatred and, what he could only place as regret. But then again, she had lying eyes.
"So I guess traditional methods will have to be imposed" she says with a sigh gesturing at a table of imposing tools and syringes filled with colored liquids "unless, you are willing to join us? You could save yourself a lot of pain?” she inquired a little too eagerly and far too innocently.
“You're a monster.” he growled
"Daniel you mustn't be forgetting I never acted alone" she growled back into his ear, she then raised her chin stepping away
“Fame or infamy,” she stated with a malicious indifference “either would be more accepted than being forgotten when you perish from this world in your final exile. So I ask again will you join us?”
“Never!” he spat back vehemently
“What a pity.” she laughed as she stalked out of the room.
It was then he regretted saying he didn't trust her.
As he lay there on the cold metal table he struck his head backwards hard enough to be knocked unconscious, for now that was the only way to sleep here, in this institute or whatever it was. Constant fear, pain, and paranoia kept him awake. His survival instincts and unknown reactions to situations had kept him alive this far, that, and quick thinking were the only reason he was still alive, but it was starting to fail him, the fear and paranoia were eating away at his mind, shredding his thoughts, the pain however was not set upon destroying his mind, it was slowly consuming his soul, breaking not only his thoughts, but his entire being.
Thinking back to his dreams or as he had been recently informed, shards and exaggerations of his previous life, he felt strangely satisfied in a morbid way. He finally knew more about himself. As he lay unconscious on the hard table, even in his own mind he felt trapped by the walls only a few feet away. His mind wandered to both pleasant and unpleasant dreams of the past.
He stands on a cliff looking out across the ocean’s diamond crusted waters, waves throwing themselves upon the black rocks. He turns round, and alone under the starlight, he is on a pavilion, over the cliffs, candles light the way like lost souls guiding all through the darkness that covers the earth each and every night. A woman emerges from the darkness and steps into the candlelight under the silver moon. Her dress is liquid, fluid and flowing from her shoulders like a ruby waterfall. Her face shadowed by both the candle's light and the light of the moon, all lent her an eerie beauty beyond compare.
He wordlessly reached out his hand, and slowly by unspoken consent she effortlessly
slipped her hand in his. As they stepped out on to the pavilion he pulled her in close her hair
flowing across his hand silky beneath his touch and a wispy melody rolled forth upon the breeze.
As they glided round on borrowed wings he looked at her and felt like he was seeing her for the first time. Her eyes shined, enigmatic pools of midnight blue and silent crashing waters, her hair flowed down her back, an ebony waterfall, her skin though flawed with many a scar, the color of ivory, the touch of silk. Yet she conveyed herself in a hidden manner known only to him; or at least who he was, who he had been, for now he knew of it’s existence but only in a shadow form. As if seeing the color without design.
This was the woman who had known him, whom he had trusted and confided in, this was Sarafel. He spoke with her softly in a barely audible whisper his lips brushing past her ear,
“Avec toute mon âme Je te aime, vous rendre la vie digne d'être vécue.” Not knowing the meaning himself, he still however smiled, as a wary smile touched her lips and it showed unusually in her eyes mixing and colliding with a genuine tenderness. In his mind dancing on the pavilion he felt like he could hold her forever. As if she were a world in which he thrived, nothing could ever convey the feeling deep within himself. An all consuming feeling, a longing for her, a need, just the excitement, the comfort he had from simply being near her, holding her. In his true mind he felt that need but his mind was also screaming run, it seemed he couldn't let go of the past.
When he woke he was still tied down and his head ached as if it could split at the seams. He needed to know more, his necessity drove him mad until his need drowned out his sense of well being, he slammed his head back again, the blinding lights dimmed; again he forced his head into the cold unrelenting metal and the world went black. Who am I?
The question rolled over and over in his head, the question unanswered, slowly the world careened falling as he slipped into the darkness of another dream. It was summertime and the wind blew sweet as it tossed his hair through the breeze. He was standing in a meadow, all around him were wild flowers he breathed in deeply, and the scent of wild orchids filled him and his mind was clearer. Who am I? The question still unanswered, yet answers were starting to form in the unusual clarity. Suddenly the winds turn sour and time stood still. Every second an eternity, he was then on a bleak and desolate plain where the smell of sulfur filled the air and the ground was parched, nothing grew, even time withered away. Darkness descended, a black cloak draped across the earth, he knew that pain and darkness awaited him.
Who am I?
He awoke again and still no answer. This time his head had been tied down,
now, he thought to himself, I may never know. his thoughts straying his mind continued contemplating if in fact we ever know who we are, with a universe that's always growing, shrinking, changing and rearranging. He wondered at it for hours and still a response had yet to come. His mind kept drifting into the past. Mostly to the three weeks before he was here, in this wretched place, but after he was given the pills.
Three days of taking the pills for he had yet to know their true malevolent purpose. It
was in this period his dreams were of a pleasant or indifferent nature, but in waking hours his
mind remained clouded and slow as if dipped in molasses. It was then even slugs would be as
fast as hummingbirds his only release was sleep. He would go to bed earlier and earlier each day to escape from his life, waking hours were now the nightmares. This being truer than ever in his current situation. He remembered the twelfth day he had had his first unpleasant dream since starting the doctor’s medication. He woke screaming and thrashing he threw himself into the shower fully clothed under freezing water he sat curled in a ball rocking back and forth. Not
wanting to be in his slow waking life and not ever wanting to go back into the nightmares and
screaming of his mind.
He had stumbled out of the shower dripping wet, cold and confused, he grabbed the
bottle off the counter and threw it as hard as he could out the window. He nodded approvingly
with the shattering crash of the bottle against the pavement. He had then flung himself into the hall and was soon outside in the black laden night.
Not knowing what he himself was doing, he ran, not knowing where he was going, he
ran, ignoring the time of night, he ran, ignoring the aches and groans of his body, he ran,
ignoring the chills and shivers that wracked his soaking wet body, he ran. He ran until his lungs failed, then he ran some more and when his legs were lead and couldn’t support him, he ran some more. Not knowing what he was running from, not knowing what he was running to, not even knowing where he was. Nearing dawn he finally snapped back to reality his entire body was racked with pain. He paused gasping, he tried to grasp reality that still seemed as elusive as smoke, surveying his surroundings he saw the trees that loomed all around him.
“Here! Of all places I’d go!” he shouted his words they sounded hollow, and they shouted back at him. Then he realized why he was so upset; this was his where his dream was. With that he started walking, more alone than ever before, and he acknowledged to himself that we are always alone, never can anyone truly be with us. We come into this world alone, a screaming newborn , and we pass into the void alone and afraid. Four and a half hours later, he arrived at his building walked through the door and onto the elevator. He didn’t know how he got there but when he came back to reality he was on the roof.
Even though he didn’t know how he got there he knew why; he couldn’t take it anymore, the constant fear, uncertainty, panic and ignorance. The darkness that contained him in the nightmares of life. He stepped up to the ledge filled with a certainty that he couldn't go on. He staggered back shocked at his realization, he couldn’t do this. He turned around breathed sharply in the cool, crisp air.
Upon the roof he contemplated what was going on. Pushing through the roof doors bounding down the steps taking four at a time with a heedless regard for himself, he ran into his apartment and slammed the door with a wild determination. He didn't know what to do. pressing his hand into his head he felt like screaming and breaking things if only to let the pain of his reality be in turn reflected on the world, for the monster the nightmares created to be released. Suddenly serenity filled him as he made the discernment he knew was the only option for him, he flung open the the cupboards they collided with one another with a loud crack, and he had just stood there for what seemed a lifetime thinking.
He thought of his dreams and he could only see the darkness that loomed in every part of him, the desolation he felt every time he closed his eyes, and the loneliness of his aching heart. He felt the anguish of his dreams as the pain, destitute and torment blurred into the waking nightmare of his life. He saw the madness in himself mingling with the nightmares. He then wrenched out bottle after bottle and paused once again. Ever so slowly he
tightened his grip and turned, he knew he was being selfish but who was there to miss his broken self anyway?
With that he threw his head back and discharged the bottle's contents into his mouth
and again with the next bottle and the next. He felt empty as he laid himself down and slowly as if against his will, he drifted away.
He was back on the table in the white laden room he had been lost in thought of how he had woken up in the hospital after that incident and he shivered. Now more than ever wishing he had succeeded. That he had been saved from this wretched place. He knew the darkness inside him was seeking to destroy him, but he also knew it was a part of him. That this place was a piece of the darkness as well as himself, his memories. Most of his memories still remained hidden or in a focus of blurry exaggeration, instead of the memories there was the darkness. Daniel knew that he couldn't destroy it nor could he embrace it.
Above all he couldn't let himself remember, deep inside him he knew he mustn't remember, what was behind the darkness should never emerge. For if it were brought into the light, he understood it would be the end. The end of everything, not just him, but the ones he might care about, his world would unravel.
A voice inside his head urged him to continue to wrench at the bonds holding his arms, if only to die of blood loss from the blisters now being scraped open again. After an agonizing eternity men in white clothing rushed in holding down his arms and injected him with an eerie blue liquid that was disconcerting for all of the ten seconds he remained conscious.

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think I am open to criticism.