A Deal

A deal worth everything...

Standing on his knees,
Head bowed in prayer
Before the one almighty,
True love, tears. so rare...

Wishing for her happiness,
Praying for her dreams to come true.
Ready to sacrifice everything,
Everything he ever knew...

Watching his tears,
The heavens spoke to him.
Sparking the hope in his eyes,
That was long lost, so dim.

"Make all her dreams reality,
That's my only request.
If only she'll be happy,
I'll truly be blessed."

"what will you sacrifice?"
Asked the heavens.
To check his commitment,
They wanted his heart's impressions.

The heavens asked for
the most valuable thing in his life.
And he offered himself,
For accomplishing what he strives...

Heavens didn't want his life, but
"It's your love, are you ready to sacrifice?"
He was struck by lightening,
What a roll of dice...

"If you accept,
You'll loose her forever,
She'll reach to her dreams,
And will not cry, never ever..."

Sacrificing love, for love,
He just smiled and accepted.
With oceans of pain in his heart,
The right choice he selected...

Her dreams were realized,
Her smile tells how she feels.
Forgetting about the guy,
Who made the deal...

Author's Note

Wrote something after a long time. I'm still working on it, some corrections are needed and also it's a bit too long. Kindly help me with it...thank you...:)

Reviews

[Sierra Atwood]

I really like the story in this poem and also the word choice. The only thing I would say to work on is improving the strength of the fifth stanza in order to make it flow better, and some editing for correct usage should be done ("lose" not "loose" in 8th stanza). Overall the poem itself is beautiful.

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Sierra for a great advice, I'll certainly work on it...:)

[Ragini]

Oh, wow. Touched me so much. Really, truly heart-rending. :)

[Sanjh]

Thank you Ragini, I'm glad you liked it...:)

[Penny]

Dont worry dear its just the right length. Very nice rhythm and you have told a simple story very interestingly here. Salute for that. Very emotional. Just one thing, the rhyming scheme in stanza 5 is kind of disturbing whencompared to the whole thing. Rest is just amazing.

[Sanjh]

Yeah, you are right. I'm working on 5th stanza. Thank you so much Penny...:)

[Penny]

My pleaaure and all the best.

[R Smith]

i think its ok as it is, a very romantic poem, extremely well written :)

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Richard...:)

[Khyati]

"Make all her dreams reality,
That's my only request.
If only she'll be happy,
I'll truly be blessed."

I LOVE IT!
Sometimes girls can be a b***h! :'( May my guy be like this one, but never loses me :'(
Your poem drags me back to something I wish to run away from, the hope of the world's best lover :'(

[Sanjh]

Don't you worry, you'll find a nice guy. And sorry, I told you, my mind works in only 1 direction. Most of the times negative...:(

[Khyati]

^_^ koi nhi, yaar! No tension lene ka! Tension only dene ka ;)

[Sanjh]

haan, ab ye sb after school sochna...:)

[Khyati]

;) YEAH..
Mai naraz hun apne future husband se yaar, bahut wait krva rha ahi :/

[Sanjh]

avi se future husband...??? phle grow up...:p

[Khyati]

;) kar hi li na bardo vali bata.. okay uncle jii

[Sanjh]

Arey grow up mtlb, thoda wait kro, thoda mature ho jaogi tvi to you'll come to know na ki who's right and who's wrong for you. And am not uncle...:@

[Khyati]

UNCLE JIIIIII ^_^ ;) ab toh apko uncle hi bulaungi ;)

[Sanjh]

Me rply nai krnga...:(

[Khyati]

lol :* sorry bhaiya!

[The Black Warrior]

It is not long enough LOL I truly enjoy this poem it's so romantic truly is...You did an excellent job...I am kind of speechless. I just loved everything about. you told the story in a very sweet way... Okay, I just love it! LOL

Thank you for sharing

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Suk, your review made my day...:)

[The Black Warrior]

I am glad to hear that LOL :D

[Sanjh]

Yes, it's true...:)

[gabrielle]

I am not in the position to suggest corrections in grammar and structure for English is my third language and i am not likewise a creative writing or literature-related degree holder. But i would like to let you know that this piece is very moving. Even we sacrifice everything for someone we love it doesn't guarantee that we will be loved in return.

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Gabrielle, I'm glad you liked it so much...:)

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

This poem is very beautiful, I enjoyed reading this.

Kaze~ :-))

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Kaze...:)

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

Anytime. :-))

[Laura Lynn]

In the 4th line true should be spelt "true"...I am glad in this universe the heavens spoke to him and dried his tears. That is a comforting thought, like sleep almost as nice as sleep and sweet dreams

[Sanjh]

Thank you for the correction Laura, may be someday the things would happen as we expect them to...:)

[MomzillaNC]

This could use some minor editing. But, the sentiments are quite breathtaking and beautiful. A fulsome testament of True Love.

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Momzilla, I'm glad you liked it...:)

[MomzillaNC]

You're welcome.

[icomeanon_13]

The narrative quality in the poem is very good. The story is tragic, but it does call into question how we can make others happy. Are our small minds capable of knowing what is best for someone else? Can we presume to make such a deal without regard to what the person in question would decide, given the same choice? Can anyone be promised a tearless, sorrowless life in this cruel world?

As for the mechanics, there are couple of things to watch out for:
1. Tue should probably be true (last line, 1st stanza)
2. 6th stanza: "heaven's" should just be "heavens"
3. 7th stanza: there should be a "the" before "dice."
4. Last stanza: "feel" should be "feels"

Your mechanics have greatly improved since the last poem I read. You've made great strides. Nice job.

[Sanjh]

These are some very deep questions, you are right. A person can not and should not decide anything in other's life, but sometimes all you can do it, give your all and hope for the best.
Thank you for reading and so many constructive inputs, updated...:)