A Deal

A deal worth everything...

Standing on his knees,
Head bowed in prayer
Before the one almighty,
True love, tears. so rare...

Wishing for her happiness,
Praying for her dreams to come true.
Ready to sacrifice everything,
Everything he ever knew...

Watching his tears,
The heavens spoke to him.
Sparking the hope in his eyes,
That was long lost, so dim.

"Make all her dreams reality,
That's my only request.
If only she'll be happy,
I'll truly be blessed."

"what will you sacrifice?"
Asked the heavens.
To check his commitment,
They wanted his heart's impressions.

The heavens asked for
the most valuable thing in his life.
And he offered himself,
For accomplishing what he strives...

Heavens didn't want his life, but
"It's your love, are you ready to sacrifice?"
He was struck by lightening,
What a roll of dice...

"If you accept,
You'll loose her forever,
She'll reach to her dreams,
And will not cry, never ever..."

Sacrificing love, for love,
He just smiled and accepted.
With oceans of pain in his heart,
The right choice he selected...

Her dreams were realized,
Her smile tells how she feels.
Forgetting about the guy,
Who made the deal...

Author's Note

Wrote something after a long time. I'm still working on it, some corrections are needed and also it's a bit too long. Kindly help me with it...thank you...:)

Reviews

[Sierra Atwood]

I really like the story in this poem and also the word choice. The only thing I would say to work on is improving the strength of the fifth stanza in order to make it flow better, and some editing for correct usage should be done ("lose" not "loose" in 8th stanza). Overall the poem itself is beautiful.

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Sierra for a great advice, I'll certainly work on it...:)

[barleygirl]

I don't think this poem is too long. I like the way you're telling a story here. I also like the way you're personifying "the heavens" as a partner in this conversation. The idea of making a choice, in order to get what you are praying for is a classic idea in literature & poetry . . . you're almost there. The only part that isn't super clear: what are the two aspects of this choice? Give up his life or give up being with her? I think that's what you mean, but it doesn't jump off the page as it could. Being struck by lightning implies that his life is being taken, but then later it seems this was not his choice. That is where the confusion begins, I think. Sometimes we just have to stop trying to craft a message & simply say what we mean. I especially love the beginning, where he is praying for all her dreams to come true . . . very selfless way to pray, which is not the norm . . . most people are more selfish or demanding in their prayers. Your overall premise -- he can have his prayer (all her dreams come true) but it doesn't include him -- this is a compelling dilemma, if only you can be a little more straightforward in presenting his choice.

[Anahat]

Awwee this ones so sweet! Simplicity at its best !

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much :)

[Sindu]

A sacrifice made for true happiness.. Monumental yet so simply put. Great work sanjh!
Interesting how you make romantic writings not goopy ( most of the times :P)

[Sanjh]

hahaha...I just try to rhyme my ideas Sindu. Yeah might be goopy at times, but goopy also works, sometimes...:p
thank you for reviewing Sindu, your reviews are always interesting...:):p

[Sindu]

Yep gooey and goopy do work at times.. I just have a habit of point it out being the weird interesting person I am :P :D

[Sanjh]

Being weird is far far faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar better than being common Sindu. I hate being common...:)

[Sindu]

I'd say you're weird if you think you are common with that profile

[Sanjh]

hahaha, true. I'm also weird in sooooo many ways, better to say "unique" than "weird"...:p

[Sindu]

Hey hey.. Im unique too.. scoot over

[Sanjh]

Ditto...:p

[blackfairy3]

Wow I really enjoy reading your poems keep going an keep sending me request I really enjoy reading it stuff :) mind blown

[Sanjh]

You are so kind, thank you for appreciating...:)

[Abhishekizy]

Nice Write Sanjh!! Yes its a bit too long, you might try trimming it!! Especially in the poems like this which is more of an emotional thread rather an incidental/situational thread, a compact write is better ( according to my assumption, it rectifies the repetition of thoughts). Plus, try non-rhyming at times..... there is nothing wrong in complicating and out-syncing your write on random occassions!! Just a thought!

[Sanjh]

Thank you Abhishek...:)

[Misha]

Nice..not long at all and keep it this way, i think no change required

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Misha...:)

[Moonlight]

I liked the poem. And no, its not too long. The entire time I read this poem I could feel a sad smile on my face. It was a painful and yet beautiful poem.

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Shivangi...:)

[Confuser]

Wow, something happened wrote a review and poof! This is my favorite writing yet. You had me at the beginning - captured in the vision of the young man praying...the flow is so, so lovely. To sacrifice yourself - and the conversation, with the heavens, I loved. It was like a great story, although the rhyming is fantastic. Thank you so much Sanjh.

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much Dale, I'm glad you liked it so much. Your words of appreciation really mean alot to me.
Thank you once again Dale...:)

[Confuser]

Y/W..................................:D

[Confuser]

Oh my goodness, Sanjh, it is beautiful. You are becoming a very good writer. I loved it when you turned and asked the question. What a beautiful flow and the imagery of the sacrifice. I got captured in this lovely love story, thinking of the wonderment - the give your love away - for anothers' happiness. I think it is great. What a great spin on the poetry, very clever. Thank you, young man, my friend.