I Promise...

A promise to keep.

I'll be here,
I promised...

When you left me,
on this lonely path.
Left with just darkness,
And love's deadly wraith...

I tried to turn around and return,
from where I once started.
Kept running in the dark,
everyone thought I'm retarded...

I'll be here,
I promised...

I tried to free myself,
from each and every thought of you.
But the more I thought,
the deeper my love grew...

I cried, I shouted,
Thinking you might hear.
But no one ever heard me,
I lived in shadows of my tears...

I'm still here,
as I promised...

I'm still waiting for you,
from where you left long ago...
But you might not recognize me,
for who am i now? Even I don't know...

But I'm still here,
everyday my love still grows.
You are far away from me,
And I just want you to know:

I'll always be here,

I promise once more...

Author's Note

Help me improve it...thank you...:)

Reviews

[Lenah Mehzabin]

I don't think it needs anymore improvement ..it's already so amazing that it made me teary nd after every stanza when u said " i will be here ,i promised " .. it just made me stop and stare for few minutes ... very beautifull , totally a piece of brilliance.. :)

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much. I'm glad you liked it and it touched you...:)

[blackfairy3]

Your welcome :)

[Glen Weimann]

As others have said, this is already good, and it took me back to a holiday romance when I was 16. Our homes were about 200 miles apart, so when the holiday ended our relationship was kept going by letters, which gradually became less frequent and shorter. But next summer came and there she was ... much more mature and grown in all kinds of ways while I was still so naive and dopy. She'd had 'fun' in the intervening 12 months, including with guys. I had stayed by my books, no real girl involvement for I was being true to our feelings of the summer. As you will realise, we did not 'gel' that second summer. I wondered why I'd waited and kept myself pretty well-behaved, why I built dreams of what might happen that second summer, etc etc. And that's what really resonated with me in this poem. So thank you ... I think!

However, you ask for suggested improvements and I have to say the only thing that jarred - in fact really leapt out as 'wrong' - was the retarded line. It's the only place in the whole poem where you stand in someone else's viewpoint - if you did it a few times it might feel better. But 'retarded' itself screams out to me as a word chosen for its rhyme with started, and in itself is not a very nice thing to say. There are a hundred ways you could convey the sense that your behaviour might seem strange to others without this word or this solitary look from someone else's perspective.

[Jeyanthi]

It is beautifully written.

[Saddam]

Quite well, no need to changing or improving.
It is a complete what anyone want.
Great write dear.

[Basu Gupta]

Separation breaks us..n' unknowingly gift with such amazing pieces.
Got so attached to this plea concept..n I can relate with it from the very beginning.
thanks for sharing

[Vernika]

Beautiful! I don't think I need to say anything more..!

[Sanjh]

Thanks Vernika. :)

[Heartful5160]

Great talent you have, my friend! I don't believe that nothing needs improvment, because anything that come from the heart or mind and it's very creative and can do something I don't believe that it needs change!! Well done!

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much for reading and appreciating. :)

[Heartful5160]

Your very welcome, just never quite writing and showing your talent, my friend!

[Jamestown]

Wow! Talk about keeping your word, very honorable:)
I just pray that you are not waiting for nothing, this piece
doesn't need improvement, it's well written and expressed!
Thanks for sharing and b-blessed!

[Sanjh]

Thank you so much James. :)

[Ankita]

It's a poem that i guess everyone can relate to.
it's beautiful. really heart touching .

[Sanjh]

Thank you Ankita :)

[Sayantani N]

its beautifully precise that's what appeals to me most.
Loved it.
It is always a wondrous result when words come straight from your heart,

[Sanjh]

Thank you Sayantani :)

[Anahat]

It does not need any improvement for when you pen down your emotions it turns out to be amazing!
So is this poem! Loved it! :)

[Sanjh]

Glad you liked it, thanks :)