Part 1: Reliving the Past

I've tried everything and nothing works, it doesn't matter if I pray to God, or meditate, or wear this chakra bracelet. It doesn't matter if I love my husband or hate my job, no matter how much I succeed. I can convince myself I'm happy, I can smile in your face and convince you too. Looks can be very deceiving. I don't want your sympathy, or your friendship. In fact, I don't want any human contact at all sometimes. My poor husband doesn't deserve me, he will spend his entire life trying to do anything to make me happy. I know it's not possible, I have good days and bad, but the cloud will always be there. Always lingering, threatening to ruin everything with the voices in my head. It's almost like an on going argument in my head, sometimes I'm not sure which is the right voice. Sometimes God and the devil sound the same. 

What would you do if everyone you thought cared about you, turned out to be something different? How would you feel if you were silently crying out for help. All the signs were there, and nobody cared enough to help. The thoughts of suicide creep around and leave, just to come back full force. The signs were there, the glass, the blood, the tears. My Dad, I love him. I know he tries his hardest, but I carry a burden myself. He walked in on me laying on the ground holding my knees, just silently crying, tears spilling onto the carpet. 

He asked, "are you okay"?

I only shrugged my shoulders, never looking at him. 

After a few moments of hesitation, "Let me know if you want to talk about it." and proceeds to shut the door. 

He never really understood any of what goes on in my head, he has his own problems to deal with anyway. My mom was always my best and only friend, she was all I had, and all I was for as long as I can remember. When my parents got divorced, I heard all of the things everyone held back about her. The lying, cheating,  and drugs; that was all a complete surprise to me, of course, I didn't believe it all. This is the last argument my parents ever had. 

I went with my Dad to go pick out a Christmas present for my Mom, I was so excited because this Christmas was going to be special. My brothers were actually going to be here for this, I only see them for three months in the Summer. We both picked out this beautiful gold necklace, It had a green rhinestone on it. My Mom's favorite color, we were both proud of it. 

My brothers had arrived and Mom was putting blonde hair dye in all of our hair, so we would look cool. My Dad was too excited to wait to give her the necklace, I was too excited to wait as well. We all were waiting in anticipation as she opens her little black jewelry box and her face wasn't right. The necklace inside was all tangled and she was upset. I remember her comment and it stung like ice hit me. "Where did you get this cheap piece of s**t? It was just thrown in here carelessly". They argued in front of us. Not the first argument but, one of the worst. My dad left somewhere out of anger and Mom locked the doors and the latch and sent us all to bed. 

My dad came home and kicked down the door, after all, he was the only one working to pay the bills, it was his house. The argument proceeded to get worse, we were all awake and watching in horror as each knife flew from their lips. Mom looked dead at my Dad and told him she was leaving and taking all of us with her. He looked over at me, then back at her and simply said " You're not taking my daughter if you are leaving". 

"What makes you think that she wants to live with you and not me, you're never home and always working?" She yelled at my Dad. 

At that moment, everyone turned and all eyes were on me. 

I wished I would have been prepared for what happened next, although, I'm sure that no matter what decision I made, my life would have been changed forever. I will always feel the pain in my heart that a 9 year old should not have felt, that pain I will carry with me to the grave. My Dad worked all of the time and I was always at home with my Mom, She took me to school everyday, and was home when I got home. 

" Sandra, who do you want to live with"?

I'm not even sure who asked me, It doesn't matter. The outcome would have been the same. Everyone just looking at me, waiting on my answer. The first time I had to break someone's heart. 

" I want to go with Mom." I said, not knowing what to do or say. 

I wish someone would have told me, warned me, pleaded with me not to speak. 

My Mother had to look of triumph as she stormed off to pack our bags for the night, what a hell of a Christmas Eve.  

Nobody said another word, I looked up at my Dad and saw the most horrible, hurt, destroyed look on his face. A look that I will never forget for the rest of my life. Ever since that day, he has never been the same, 14 years later and I still sometimes see the pain in his eyes. 

That's the night we all left my Dad and went to Black Mustang Guy's house. 

I believe that was the first time I hated myself, or even regretted a decision I made. 

They were both different after that, neither of them were happy, I was alone after my brother's returned back to Michigan. Alone with my thoughts and alone with my parents who were now strangers.