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Biography

I dream a dream that lasts forever, a sky thats endless, a beauty that leaves your heart in your throat and grasping for air. To look at your surroundings with so much love, you feel a sting at your eyes. So many colors; only natural in light. Clouds are forever white, like they are awaiting you to take a seat on its thrown. You can hear the water angry yet majestic calling your name. You want nothing but the cold water to encompass your body and slow your mind. Feeling weightless, you close your eyes. When they reopen everything is gone. You sip your coffee on the damp porch, take a deep breath and get ready to prepare for your day. You scrape together what clean clothes you can manage to find; looking in the mirror and struggle to find yourself staring back. Once you see you, your day begins. Still itchy from the morning shower, so hot it scalds the skin. The same empty ride, the same beginning the same end. School is finally out and you proceed to walk into the same and unlock the door to a house of nothing. Everyone still at work. The only one happy to see you is the dog. You let her outside, same routine at the same time. You'll sit on the nice outdoor sofa in the family built closed-in porch. You see the dry, brown, crumbling grass through the screen wishing it were green as a sign of life. You grab for your pipe and fill a bowl with a thousand whispers to enlighten your soul. As you inhale the sweet serenity, you find your inner peace at last. All the little voices stop, the anxiousness is gone, the anxiety is drowned out. You put it all away, out of sight, out of mind. In the yard down the side of the house to the shed, the hole underneath won't be searched, your treasure is stowed away until tomorrow. As your high fades away; the weary come to stay to cloud any happiness you may have left.
I dont live my life, my mind only knows what happened. I cant remember the last time i smiled without habit. I sleep as much as i can, my mind is exhausted, my heart unused. Time passes so slowly as ai wait in agony still praying when the sun comes up that i wont be there to greet it. Everything is in disarray. Im so angry, hurt, alone, and betrayed; wanting everything ive ever known to cease existence. I have no face, nor name to blame for my feelings, only my own reality. I try so hard to find someone to blame, it can be anyone. I know im insane, i tell myself all the time. They say my life is fine, that im selfish and stupid, that maybe something else is wrong with me. I know what depression is, i know the meaning, but even the dictionary couldn't tell you what it really is. I wish my words could paint a picture for you. That i could make everyone know what it is. It's nothing, absolute nothing. You see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing, taste nothing. You go through life in slow motion, while fast forwarding at the same time. Your mind is on record, that's what i know depression as.
You wake as you hear them shuffling in, staying in your chamber, let them think your still asleep. You hear dinner being started on the stove, your stomach growls but you wont dare leave your space. Don't be noticed and avoid conversation. Eventually, everywhere is silent and the sun no longer shines through the window. With only heads poking in the door, then bid their goodnights. I want nothing more than to sneak outside to my stash but instead, i eat my dinner that is now cold left-overs in the fridge.

To be continued.....