The Journal of Luella Penelope Bancris

Peacetime 12, 2058

When I woke up this morning, there were so many aches and pains in my bones I thought I had fallen out of the sky. I was on the ground, anyway, and it took me a few seconds to remember why I wasn't in my own bed at home. I looked around, and there wasn't anyone around but that one sickly kid I got stuck with yesterday. His nose keeps running and you can tell he's ashamed that he has to wipe it on his sleeve, but what other choice does he have? It's hard not to feel sorry for the kid, but I can't let myself feel too bad, because at the state he's in and the amount of medication I'm in control of (zero), he could be dead by morning.

There was one particularly bad fit of coughing when I got kinda scared. There was blood on his lips.

"You alright, man?" I asked him. I put a hand on his shoulder. It felt like ice.

"I-I-I-I." Poor kid couldn't speak. He coughed again, and this time a line of blood dripped down his chin.

"No, don't say anything. It's okay." I just kinda hugged him and held onto him for awhile until he fell asleep. Then I held him awhile longer, you know, because I didn't want to wake him up. Besides, it's freezing out here. And I got to thinking about how he can't be a day past sixteen, if he's that old. I started wondering why I'm doing this, fighting this fight. I could have stayed back in Warshire with the other orphans. Okay, we had it hard, but we weren't camped out beneath abandoned warehouses with shotguns, waiting for the enemy to show so we can shoot em and hope they don't shoot us first.

He's waking up now and saying something. I think he wants me to hold his hand. God, I think the kid's dying.

I'm so angry and I don't even know who I'm angry at.

Author's Note

Reviews make for a happy author, lovies. ;)

Reviews

[HaruHau-Chan]

This is great. However there is one thing I'd like to point out. In your sentence " I looked around, and there wasn't nobody but that one sickly kid I got stuck with yesterday." You might want to change the word "nobody" to "anyone around".

Then the sentence will look like this: "I looked around, and there wasn't anyone around but that one sickly kid I got stuck with yesterday."

Because you've had the character speak with proper grammar through the rest of the story. He sounds like he's well educated. However leaving the "nobody" in there will look like the opposite and almost out of character. That might confuse your audience.

The emotion in this piece is wonderful, and I like the fact that you have things scratched out. It makes it look like an actual journal entry.

Even though his piece was short, I'm actually rather attached to the kid, and I hope he'll pull through! T^T

[An owl on the moon]

Your write leaps into the mind and stirs the senses. Powerful and moving!

[Ellii Smith-Johnson]

What a great start. The grammar is brilliant, unlike a lot of stories I've read on other sites. I can't wait to read more and am going to do so right now!
-Ellii
Xoxo