Tears

A poem that I wrote for my friend.

These tears that fall down my face.
Makes me wish I were in a different place.
I feel all these warm, wet tears.
Its one of my worst fears.
I lay alone,
Waiting for the phone.
As I start to cry,
Wishing this were a big lie.
My heart is in a war,
My heart is in a detour.
There is no such thing as a Cure For this broken hearted Tear.
I go to my bed,
Hoping I would wake up dead.
Cause all this pain,
Is like being hit by a train.
My tears turn to black,
My heart starts to crack.
My heart has stopped,
Right at the top.
You turned my blood black to red,
Now all it seems as if I were dead.
Now my heart is black and blue.
I really hope you knew.

Author's Note

What a sad poem I wrote. T^T Btw, my best friend, Kasi, re-did this poem. Put this link in you address bar and go review it! http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Kasi_Chan/574678/

Reviews

[R.W. Blue]

Relax a bit on the neon font, please. It really can take a toll on the eyes. :P. The one issue with this poem is that you seem almost too focused on rhyming instead of trying to speak your mind. Some lines go together, but in order to rhyme with the preceding line, you add this unrelated wishy-washy crap that kills it. It also doesn't quite make sense, and I can't say I can relate to this since I don't know what has happened. And you might want to keep in mind what you have written before, because the first and seventh lines aren't in an order based on time. You've got the basics down, you just need to fix some oopsies!

[Rae]

I see you've changed it a bit. :P

[GAZZY]

hi ash

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

I like it...lots of emotion...very good
Great Job

[H]

Punctuation. Ever heard of it?

This whole poem is one sentence when it shouldn't be. Divide it into sentences, and space those sentences into verses.

Ex:

These tears that fall down my face make me wish I were in a different place.
I feel all these warm, wet tears. It's one of my worst fears.

[Rae]

There are lots of spelling errors, Ashimoto-Chan. But overall, it was very sad. And when I mean sad I mean good! :)