Looming moon Haiku

Looming moon Haiku

A Poem by Samuel Jack

A presence is sensed

dark shadow falls over me

the moon is looming

© 2013 Samuel Jack


Author's Note

Samuel Jack
Thanks to all the people giving me tips on Japanese structures. I've edited this to fit 5-7-5 senyru form. Special thanks too Rita, as this is your version :) More originals on the way!

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Reviews

Wow I really liked this one, saying so much in so few words. Well done!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


Samuel Jack

11 Years Ago

Thank you. I'm considering changing it based on some of the other reviews, I've realised being const.. read more
All by itself as a free verse poem it works to inspire images within the reader's mind. Your poem inspired me to write this Senryu which you may have as a gift. The first and third line follows /0/0/ meter, and the middle line follows /0/0/0/ meter; / an accent, and 0 a non-accent.


Stars tug on my mind
defying each leering shade
cast by lunar beams.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


Aethereal

11 Years Ago

All I'm sayingis that poems in most cases flows better if they have meter. I don't know if it's in t.. read more
Zahra

11 Years Ago

I know of a form, kind of traditional, folk type. Women in villages used to sing a three line poem/s.. read more
Samuel Jack

11 Years Ago

Cool, you've all give me something to think about. Thanks for the knowledge.
Just read your haiku, and your explanation to WIT (though I 'got' the meaning you were going for). I like this premise! You need only to add a few syllables for it to follow traditional haiku. For example:

a presence is sensed
dark shadow falls over me
the moon is looming

Hope this is helpful!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


Samuel Jack

11 Years Ago

Your version is more descriptive and in proper meter, so it looks like I'm making some changes. Than.. read more
Haiku scheme:

First line: 5 syllables
Second line: 7 syllables
Third line: 5 syllables

Senryu is similar but more about emotional nature.


This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


Parsimony

11 Years Ago

Your meter scheme is 3-3-3
Samuel Jack

11 Years Ago

Cool, I'm gonna play around with it. Thanks for the advice. You have been a good source of poetry kn.. read more
I didn't get it :(
Are you practicing some shadow arts or what ??
Or you find someone by tracing his shadow in moonlight :D

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago


Samuel Jack

11 Years Ago

He senses a prescense behind him , a shadow falls over him, but it's just the moon looming over him.

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504 Views
15 Reviews
Added on June 17, 2013
Last Updated on June 22, 2013

Author

Samuel Jack
Samuel Jack

Birmingham, West Midlands, United Kingdom



About
I'm from the industrial wasteland that is England, I'm very passionate about poetry, while not being very educated on the subject. So constructive criticism is more than welcome. I like poetry, for.. more..

Writing