Thanks to all the people giving me tips on Japanese structures. I've edited this to fit 5-7-5 senyru form. Special thanks too Rita, as this is your version :) More originals on the way!
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Thank you. I'm considering changing it based on some of the other reviews, I've realised being const.. read moreThank you. I'm considering changing it based on some of the other reviews, I've realised being constrained to meter can be fun as well as challenging.
All by itself as a free verse poem it works to inspire images within the reader's mind. Your poem inspired me to write this Senryu which you may have as a gift. The first and third line follows /0/0/ meter, and the middle line follows /0/0/0/ meter; / an accent, and 0 a non-accent.
Stars tug on my mind
defying each leering shade
cast by lunar beams.
Eh? 0/0/0 meter, does that mean you didn't follow meter?
11 Years Ago
Aethereal is writing that the /is (an accent) or stressed syllable. The O is a non-accent or non-str.. read moreAethereal is writing that the /is (an accent) or stressed syllable. The O is a non-accent or non-stressed syllable. The first line is 5 syllables, then 7, then 5. Haiku's include an aspect of nature and season. Senryus have the same structure only are about human nature (man/emotions). At least this is my understanding. :)
All I'm sayingis that poems in most cases flows better if they have meter. I don't know if it's in t.. read moreAll I'm sayingis that poems in most cases flows better if they have meter. I don't know if it's in the Senryu law book that they have meter, but I place it there anyhow to get better flow.
11 Years Ago
I know of a form, kind of traditional, folk type. Women in villages used to sing a three line poem/s.. read moreI know of a form, kind of traditional, folk type. Women in villages used to sing a three line poem/song at wedding celebrations. Something like Haiku chain, but it had nothing to do with syllables and topic mostly used to be wedding, bride, groom, in laws etc in a romantic or funny way. It's a punjabi form called 'tappa'. Don't know too much about it.
11 Years Ago
Cool, you've all give me something to think about. Thanks for the knowledge.
Just read your haiku, and your explanation to WIT (though I 'got' the meaning you were going for). I like this premise! You need only to add a few syllables for it to follow traditional haiku. For example:
a presence is sensed
dark shadow falls over me
the moon is looming
Your version is more descriptive and in proper meter, so it looks like I'm making some changes. Than.. read moreYour version is more descriptive and in proper meter, so it looks like I'm making some changes. Thanks again Rita!
Cool, I'm gonna play around with it. Thanks for the advice. You have been a good source of poetry kn.. read moreCool, I'm gonna play around with it. Thanks for the advice. You have been a good source of poetry knowledge and encouragement.
I'm from the industrial wasteland that is England, I'm very passionate about poetry, while not being very educated on the subject. So constructive criticism is more than welcome.
I like poetry, for.. more..